Falls Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Rosie - By Coyleys, as told to Falls http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1235848119.doc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Before I read this, I have to say; I gave Falls a Very! Very! Basic idea, and so all credit goes to Falls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 A charming story. Happy, sad, romantic and nicely told. Cheers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I have a confession to make to fellow "Writers Group" folks. For some months I have hardly ever been on SF, but on occasions I have seen the contributions from all those who take the time to contribute to this wonderful Group. Falls, tonight I read your contribution on this thread. It's wonderful, and such a change from your "real life" adventures we have come to know, admire and envy. I don't think I have uploaded my own contributions made previously on the server which resided on the original server base. I won't repeat the exercise on this new Server. I really shall aim to start supporting this Group in future with my witteringly new contributions very soon. I've missed being a small part of the Group. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Sorry it took so long to comment Falls. Anyway, you made a first class job of this one, although I always look forward to your 007 exploits, this one made a nice change; it just shows there is no end to your talents. I just wonder what Falls has up his sleeve for the next one. Great stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I really shall aim to start supporting this Group in future with my witteringly new contributions very soon. I've missed being a small part of the Group. So where has the illusive Shoeshine been? Let you out on parole, have they? Or have you had a mid-life crisis, and become the new Sheffield gigolo? “Lock up your daughters” Anyway, nice to have you back, Shoeee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 So where has the illusive Shoeshine been? Let you out on parole, have they? Or have you had a mid-life crisis, and become the new Sheffield gigolo? “Lock up your daughters” Anyway, nice to have you back, Shoeee. I'm pleased to report I have binocular vision once more, and have another grandchild, too. As for the gigolo enquiry..... there'll be time enough for that later, coyleys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falls Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 Hello, Thank you for your kind words. I 'm supposed to be on 'Sabatical' from the Forum, while I concentrate on some outstanding jobs that need doing around here. I do however, sneak a look at SFWG from time to time. I also write the odd sentence or two when nobody is looking. P.S. I know! Before Coyleys points it out; most of my sentences are odd, or at very least strange, anyway. Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I know! Before Coyleys points it out; most of my sentences are odd, or at very least strange, anyway. Regards Nar’then Falls, what’s all this abart then, you make me sound like the Simon Cowell of the SFWG. I must admit you have me somewhat discombobulated, (thanks for that one Mantas, it describes Coyley to a tee) sorry, I digress. Anyway, “Odd, Strange” the thoughts never crossed my mind. I realise you didn’t have a lot of time with this piece, but you still did a grand job. I think the only thing that may let your writing down a little (in my opinion that is) is the lack of feelings; I have often said it before to others “play about with the adjectives”, take a sentence and expand on it. On my first draft, I will often insert comments... “She walked across the moor, (describe moor) to her home”. Then when I am in a more pensive mood, I will expand... “As she walked to her home, she stopped to ponder, and gazed upon the coarse bracken and heather that dominated the bleak moorland. A few isolated trees could be seen on the horizon that seemed to bow like a manservant to his master, and yield to the awesome power of the northern winds. Only a small sapling refused to give way to the supremacy of Mother Nature, such an arrogant display of defiance and with dire consequences, for the sapling suddenly shattered and was taken high by the prevailing wind, finally settling into the quagmire, to be lost forever”. That was probably a bit OTT, but it was a chuffin windy day and nearly blew the bloomers of the poor young wench, I think you get my drift. So we have taken eight words and turned them into a titillating (Oh! That’s a nice word) paragraph. Anyway, enjoy your break and recharge your batteries. I look forward to your return and reading further tales of your daring do’s and dastardly deeds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tallyman Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Falls What a lovely, sweet and heartwarming story. It's always a pleasure to read your work, you put so much into it and there's always something to be learned from it. But, if you wanted some feedback on the writing style, for what it's worth: Your writing usually takes the form of a factual account. Fact or fiction, it comes across as a telling of an actual event. This is your style, and it works for you, but it's important to remember that you're still striving to produce a polished piece of writing. For that reason, don't use 'etc.' as it suggests you wanted to construct the end the sentence properly, but ran out of words to use. You also seemed to change tense several times. For some of the story, you use the past tense: 'he walked into Rosie's kitchen', 'the cat did as it was told'. For other parts, you use the present tense: 'He carefully picks up one of the letters', 'his Dad is still reading the paper'. Sometimes, tenses change in the same paragraph, so that's worth watching. Finally, you always try and make sure the reader understands the meaning of any acronyms or abbreviations you use, which of course is a great help. But the way in which you do it is sometimes problematic, because you occasionally depart from the story to make the explanation: 'British Army Of (the) Rhine' for instance. The brackets make it awkward, and make us step outside the story for a moment. The abbreviation is being explained by a Bobbie's dad, and characters don't speak in brackets. Finally, there's no need to put some words in quotes: 'a sister called, "Joan".' She really was called Joan, there's no need for quotes. Quotes would suggest that perhaps 'Joan' was a pseudonym! I hope the above is some help, but I also hope you keep writing your excellent stories with which to entertain us all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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