Falls Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 I noticed SFWG seem to be running out of stories lately, so while my "Project Manager" was out at the shops, I dug this out of a drawer. Desire under the willows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 This is a marvellous piece of writing; there is some really good descriptive work that draws the reader into Guy's little world. Some aspects of the story may have been better if it was dialogue was used to explain the situation, for instance: At the last moment Lydia, her Mother’s sister, had suggested Deborah come and stay with her for a few days. This is quite clunky and becomes one of those 'stoppers' that makes the reader pause to figure out who is who, much more slick is: "At the last moment Deborah was invited to stay with her aunt Lydia for a few days." continued…This looked like the perfect solution but then more problems came along. Her parents, particularly her father, thought Lydia might not be a good influence on Deborah but eventually agreed to the visit. We're told what has happened, if there was a telephone conversation between Guy and Deborah that showed what the situation was, that would have been much better. suggested alternative "Guess what Darling? My Aunt Lydias invited me over so I'll be able to make it after all, Daddy's not very happy though…" "Why not?" "He says she's a bad influence on me," she giggled mischievously, "anyway, you'll meet her next week so you can see for yourself, you'll really like her, most men do!" Talking of dialogue: “Would you care for some champagne, Deborah? It’s still chilled.” “Just a little Guy, I’m not a drinker and so I don’t want to get sloshed” The way they use each others names seems a little unrealistic, after all, there is only the two of them there. Suggested alternative “Would you care for some champagne? It’s still chilled,” he said. “Just a little, I’m not a drinker and so I don’t want to get sloshed.” Apostrophes God!, she’s beautiful and she’s mine for the whole afternoon. I still can’t believe this is actually happening after all the up’s and down’s. The apostrophes shouldn't be there; keep an eye on them, whilst they look very minor they're a very misunderstood piece of punctuation. There is an admirable economical control in your writing; you set out the story and explain what is going on in a concise and clear manner, sometimes it's too passive but 'Desire under the willows' is more active and as such it is a much better read. The build up to the final scene was very well done, I had a inkling the story would end humorously, however, instead of the expected chuckle it was a real laugh out loud moment. A brilliant ending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 "so while my "Project Manager" was out at the shops," Awww, so you've got one of those as well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Falls I commend you, that was a cracking piece. I agree with Mantas “some really good descriptive work”. Have you any more little gem’s like that in the drawer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falls Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 Thanks Guy's, I have taken you comments to heart and have revised the tale accordingly. Do you think its worth re-launching on the group? The double life I have drifted into these days (ie. disfunctional scribbler or painter and decorator) is beginning to take its toll. Its a real cat and mouse game,sneeking onto the laptop when I should be painting. Its getting more like Allo-Allo ever day. I only need Coyleys to appear and say, "It is I, Le Claire" and the scene would be complete. Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I only need Coyleys to appear and say, "It is I, Le Claire" :hihi: and I thought I was crazy. :hihi: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Hi Falls, I just thought I'd add my thanks to you for posting this very entertaining piece. I was very impressed with Guy's attention to detail in his preparations: especially the contents of the picnic and his reconnaissance. I liked the thread of French phrases. Also his feeling of having her to himself for the afternoon resonated as a genuine, and strong, romantic feeling. In terms of suggestions, all I can think is that the build up to "I want it" could have been slower and thus drawn me in more - provided you could think of some more suitably ambiguous dialogue. I can't, so maybe best as it is. I laughed so much at that line, as it was so abrupt, and because I was still laughing it might have reduced the impact of the ending a tad. I found myself in this very situation last summer in Cambridge, though there was no picnic, and absolutely no chance to find a quiet spot. My own attempt at winning over the lady consisted of a rather slap-stick effort at keeping my balance on the back of the punt. She was on the edge of her seat as she speculated whether I would fall in, get knocked out by a low bridge or be left marooned, clinging to the pole, each time it got stuck in the soft river bed. It had the right result though, so I'd recommend it as a cheaper alternative to Guy's method. Cheers Falls, Ron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 How did I miss this ? I shall read it at my leasure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Falls asked me to read this, and Im glad I did. What a funny ending, just my type of humour !! :hihi: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.