Ted's Mistake - first story submission

[olliefrancis]

This month's story - and my first submission.

 

Much critical feedback appreciated: this was fun, but I want to get better.

 

-Ollie

 

Ted's Mistake.

[Ron Blanco]

Hello Ollie,

 

I really enjoyed this.

 

I thought it flowed easily, with a nice sense of humour, from the first line to the last. I warmed to Ted but I also liked the message contained within the story.

 

A couple of bits raised an eyebrow:

 

1. The dialect of the gunman. Was he geordie or Japanese? I couldn't work it out.

2. The policemen. Were they transported from Dixon of Dock Green? Their sentiments seemed to be expressed in quite old-fashioned language.

 

Of course, maybe my observations are unfair and wide of the mark. But I am sure I am not being wide of the mark when I predict that anyone reading this will enjoy it and look forward to seeing more of your stories.

[olliefrancis]

Nope, you're absolutely right.

 

 

I was trying to use some kind of stereotype for their characters so that I could pay more attention to Ted. I didn't want to create too strong characters for them as I thought this might take the attention away from our elderly hero, so they just became a kind of mish mash of my own preconceptions etc. I might have gone a little too far if they became a distraction. I'll try to think a little harder about my 'set piece' characters on the next story and see if it works.

 

Thanks for the help Ron Blanco! Really appreciate it.

 

More please!

[Mantaspook]

Hi Ollie,

 

That was a nice, enjoyable story, the two things I really liked about it was the work that you put into Ted's character and the 'story arc' that involved his 'unfortunate accidents', especially the last one which had a wickedly humorous touch.

 

I agree with the points made by Ron Blanco, the burglar's accent was a little baffling and I think his character / appearance should have been explained to the reader in greater depth, this could be done concisely through Ted's eyes by describing him as looking like 'A undernourished Geordie ferret wearing Denims, Doc Martins and a permanent scowl.'

 

The start of the story is too rambling, it would be better if you 'set the scene' straight away, describing Ted pulling down the shutters, then being assaulted and bundled into the shop (much more impact!) then taking it from there.

 

The first two paragraphs would have been better if broken into smaller chunks and distributed throughout the story. They basically consist of:

 

Para 1The back story of Ted 'dodging the draft' is worth keeping because it gives the reader an insight into Ted's character. (By the way, wouldn't we say 'avoiding national service' in Britain?)

 

Para 2.Ted's sojourn down memory lane to the mortuary. I'd consider reducing or deleting this entirely as it adds little to the story.

 

Unrealistic elements

 

1. It seems unrealistic that (a) Ted is unsure whether he has 'one or two months' takings in the till, and (b) why would he keep such a large amount on the premises in the first place and if so, wouldn't he put it in a safe?

 

2. As Ron Blanco has already mentioned the policemen's dialogue was stilted and old fashioned.

 

For example:

 

"…Lot of burglaries round here. And, try our best; we don’t always catch the buggers. But, bearing in mind the severity of this particular case, we’ll make sure we pull out all the stops. Holding an old man at gunpoint; really, what’s this world coming to, hey Eh Officer Turk?’

 

‘I don’t know Sir,’ replied Officer Turk. ‘Downright disgrace, if you ask me, Sir.’

 

Change to:

 

"…Well, we'll do our best to catch him, especially as there's a gun involved." As the detective bent down to examine the broken till Ted fired a question at his shoulders.

 

"Do you think you'll catch him?" He asked.

 

"I'd like to think so, but unless forensic can come up with something it's likely he'll get away with it."

 

Ted quickly wiped the smirk off his face as the policeman turned around.

 

 

Remember, if you give a character a name you must give them something to do or say to move the story along, officer Turk is just a 'spear carrier' so he really doesn't need to have a name, he could just be referred to as 'constable' (If you think he is worth keeping.)

 

Betty's dialogue at the end is too long; people rarely talk in long multiple sentences like that, it would be a good exercise to reduce her speech to the bare minimum and integrate it with some dialogue from Ted as he's falling asleep. It could be a good comedy scene when he suddenly wakes back up.

 

Additional ideas

 

1 Ted shakes the burglars hand before he leaves the shop, captured on CCTV of course, this would make his guilt more visually certain.

 

2. What type of shop is it? I'm thinking antiques - as a sub plot could the 'thick' burglar turn around at the very last moment and pinch the most expensive piece item in the shop, despite a distressed Ted assuring him it's worthless, perhaps it has some sentimental value to Ted.

 

I hope you find some of the above pointers useful.

 

You've certainly created a very interesting and amusing tale & I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work.

[coyleys]

Nice to have you onboard Ollie.

Yes, I enjoyed this one, a great read.

I agree with what Ron and Mantas say, especially Mantas “Additional ideas” if I may make an addition...

On his way out, the burglar Picks up five Hamlet, and out of his ill gotten gains hands Ted a twenty pound note, sarcastically saying “Keep the change”

“Thank you very much” replies Ted.

And then when the burglar has gone Ted comes up with another idea to make a cool half a million, he calls upstairs to his wife. As she enters the shop “WHACK” she is dead before she hits the floor...

He dials 999...

When the police take the CCTV recordings Ted smiles to himself for he knew the CCTV had not worked for over three weeks.

When the forensics come, they notice his dead wife was holding a piece of paper, they read the paper.

One of the Forensics looks at Ted, gave a scowl before saying “Sir, you are contaminating the crime scene”

Ted was unaware of the steady flow down his leg and the pool in which he now stood.

The paper was an invoice for work carried out to the CCTV.

[olliefrancis]

Good ideas.

 

I like the suggestion about the handshake.

 

Thanks.