Story: 'Café Cin Cin.'

[Ron Blanco]

Here's my short story contribution for May

 

Café Cin Cin.

 

I'd really appreciate your feedback and suggestions on how to improve it.

 

ps: I've also tried to incorporate some of Mantaspook's suggestions for "Suspense", which was the theme a few months back I think.

 

pps: The next one will be 'lighter', I promise!

[sauerkraut]

Eww, that's a bleak and chilling tale, RB.

 

I think you built up the tension very well, and there were some clever little pointers to what was going to happen in the end. The hints about Lisa's new relationship are well done for instance, and I liked the neat touch of John wearing the funeral suit while Lisa looks "cheerful and alive." I wanted to jump in and warn her!

 

I did feel some of the descriptions of John's anguish were perhaps a touch overdone, especially in the opening paragraphs. Sometimes the same thing is said in three different ways, ("He longed to see her again, to hold her again, to be with her again.") which can get a bit much.

 

And one or two expressions threw me out of the story, e.g. the fist "wrenching" at his heart -- fists punch, don't they? Or "the thickening stench of decay" -- which I was in two minds about. I liked that phrase really, as it fitted with John's blunted emotions (which are also in clever contrast to the sharp razor). But then it put me in mind of "sickening stench" being said with a lisp and suddenly it didn't work any more Would thick stench be a possible alternative??

 

A minor technical point, but I think there's a bit of an overabundance of commas as well. That's my favourite trait so I tend to notice it in others

 

Overall though I think you did a great job with this. I liked the way we were given a glimpse of the background which contributed to John acting the way he did, and I liked the way the ending was left just a little ambiguous so I could carry on hoping Lisa gets away in the end

 

Thanks for posting it, RB, and sorry I'm taking so long to comment these days.

[Ron Blanco]

Thanks SK

 

Thanks for pointing out bits you liked. That's encouraging.

 

I agree some of it is overdone. I suppose I was trying to reflect his state of mind i.e. dwelling on things.

 

I thought the fist expression was ok as you can also clutch something in a fist. Have taken your comment on board though. The lisp observation made me laugh.

 

As for commas, well, I was experimenting a bit there, trying to slow the pace down.

 

In retrospect, I think the ending doesn't yet achieve what I wanted. I wanted ambiguity, but I wanted three specific outcomes to be plausible, one of which was positive and would allow him to walk away with dignity intact, and her unharmed.

 

Thanks for reading it, and commenting on it. It helps a lot.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Ron,

 

I really like the potential in this story but I suspect you're disappointed with how the writing was executed. (No pun intended.)

 

In my opinion there are three things that need attention.

 

1. Early transmission.

 

There are several points in the story where you 'transmit' pieces of information far too early, the story would be more impact if you delayed the information or implied something different.

 

Specifically:

 

(a) John's state of mind

 

It is laid out in the very first paragraph, the destruction of the flat and his thoughts whilst holding the cut throat razor give a very good indication where the story is going: to him attacking his ex-girlfriend, I couldn't see the other two specific outcomes that you mentioned.

 

The destruction of his flat could have been revealed more slowly, mentioning the 'cracked bathroom mirror' and not revealing the true extent of the damage until he is leaving, "picking his way through the destroyed furniture, glass crunching underfoot."

 

(b) The Ring

 

"Finally, he picked up a small red jewellery box, containing a diamond encrusted ring."

 

Too many commas! (Already mentioned) and early transmission of his intentions again. The reader would probably find this incongruous because the very next passage is this one:

 

"In the bathroom, John stripped to his waist and rinsed his face with hot water. He brushed on a lather of cream and reached for his cut throat razor. He held the snakewood handle and admired its beauty. It was his most treasured gift from Lisa and he decided that this would be the last time he used it. He drew the cool, steel blade lightly over the ball of his thumb, enjoying the sensation. Holding the razor between thumb and three fingers, he shaved."

 

The emphasis on the razor, especially the section I highlighted, makes his murderous intentions all too clear, and yet later:

 

He placed the small red jewellery box on the table.

“What is it?”

He revealed the ring and then gently he grasped her hand. She looked at the ring and then at him, bewildered. He smiled, and his eyes sparkled for a moment.

“Will you marry me?”

 

Taking into account his mental state and the fact he is armed this doesn't seem believable, perhaps you were trying to show he was self-delusional but this would have been better illustrated by NOT telling the reader about the ring, so it's appearance is more spontaneous.

 

This isn't very elegant though, If you want to plant a 'little cloud' about the ring you do this in a subtle way by saying he arrived at Café Cin Cin early and spent some time window shopping, then reel off a list like: 'baker, bike shop, newsagent, jewellers - he paused at the sparkling window and wondered if he had brought his credit card."

 

This would create a nice juncture in the story because the reader is presented with two believable options as to where the story may go.

 

2. Too much 'telling' - not enough 'showing'

 

In his bedroom, John surveyed his wardrobe. He panned along the rail of drab, lifeless clothes and finally reached for his finest suit, last used at his parents’ funeral.

 

He hurried away, into his bedroom, but there his black suit triggered more memories. For the thousandth time he saw the final mangled images of his parents. The circumstances of their crash had denied his parents any dignity. His eyes narrowed, his nostrils flared and he clenched his fist until his nails drew blood from his palm.

 

How could you 'show' the highlighted sections?

 

How about:

 

"He tried on the raven black jacket; his hands smoothed down the lapels and dropped naturally into the pockets. He felt something, withdrawing the stiff piece of paper he opened it, the church service for his parents funeral blurred before his eyes, warm salty tears rained down on it as a kaleidoscope of horrible images from the car crash came flooding back."

 

There are several other sections where you are passively telling the reader, not actively showing them, for instance:

 

He retracted, once again, into a ball, and rocked back and forth, as hostile emotions bombarded him. His love still burned strong, but being unreciprocated, was met in equal measure by pain. Self-pity was prominent, his future having evaporated, like the lakes of tears he’d shed. Thoughts of loneliness, becoming increasingly persistent, now haunted him. And humiliation lurked, ready to ambush him.

 

Have a think about how you could alter this to SHOW John's anguish.

 

3. Edit surplus elements & wording.

 

For instance the exchange with the waitress could be reduced to a much slicker "John ordered a coffee from the waitress and sat down in a chair facing the door."

 

His breath quickened, bellowing his chest. His heart pounded, echoing through his body.

 

Bellowing is more commonly used as 'to shout loudly' - "His beating heart pounded in time with his quickening breaths." Is more concise.

 

The 'fist wrenched at his heart' has already been mentioned.

 

He twisted her hand so their palms and wrists were both facing upwards.

 

So he's going to attack her WRISTS with a CUT THROAT razor? - As the name suggests, it would be a lot more effective (not to mention, horrifying) if he gets her to expose her throat or he steps behind her and slashes her throat, perhaps if John had bought her a necklace and offered to help her put it on that would give him the opportunity.

 

In retrospect, I think the ending doesn't yet achieve what I wanted. I wanted ambiguity, but I wanted three specific outcomes to be plausible, one of which was positive and would allow him to walk away with dignity intact, and her unharmed.

 

What were the three outcomes you imagined? Was it:

 

1. He kills her.

2. He injures her.

3. He leaves her unarmed

 

This is a very difficult objective to achieve, my main impression was that only one path was open to him, however, I'll shut up for now and open the floor for suggestions from the other writers.

 

I'll have a think about the ending and see if I can come up with something that is close to what you were trying to achieve.

[Ron Blanco]

Hi Mantaspook.

 

That is very, very useful. Thank you. I knew this story wasn't quite right and I needed some help. You (and SK) have given me a lot of ideas here which will help me to adapt it.

 

It is particularly interesting to see where you think the story is heading i.e. him attacking her. I showed it to a friend who believed that John would slash his own wrists in front of her. The third ending that I had was that he places the razor in her palm, thereby returning her gift and retaining some dignity.

 

So the three endings I wanted to be possible were:

 

1. He slashes his wrists

2. He slashes her wrists

3. He returns the razor to her

 

In fact I'm now wondering if it might be best to build up the possibility of 1 and 2 but ultimately just explicitly state that he places the razor in her palm, so the ending would be a bit unexpected, but believable all the same.

 

The overall idea behind this was that love can have a very powerful effect on people. It is not unthinkable for a person in this situation to have suicidal thoughts. Nor is it unheard of that he might seek revenge, or wish to stop someone else getting the woman he loves. But it is always best to try to overcome these emotions and walk away with dignity intact.

 

I think those were the three key elements I was trying to get across.

 

Thanks again for your help.

[coyleys]

Hi Ron, I finally got to read Cafe Cin Cin, and I thought it was a really good one. Then I read the comments and so reread the story, I must admit, I picked up on none of the comments mentioned, but it’s two against one and two that outstrip me in writing expertise. That just goes to show you I would make a lousy proof-reader.

Anyway, nice story. I think the only input I can give, is to put more emphasis on John state of mind. Probably had a history of depression, maybe even schizophrenia.

Thanks for the read Ron; I always enjoy your tales. Cin-Cin.

[Ron Blanco]

Thanks for the comments and for the tip, Coyleys.

 

Old Ron