sauerkraut Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I remembered I had a story with a weapon in it lurking on my computer, so I've come out of hibernation to post it. All comments welcome! Link deleted by author Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Hi SK, How's the writing going? Won any more prizes lately? Thanks for posting this story. It comes across to me like a charming, modern day fairy-tale. It seems like this story could have gone in several directions - Menacing? Dramatic? But you went for sentimental? I thought this was a shame, but I know this is just personal taste. Even so, it was enjoyable. I think the first paragraph is very smooth - a great introduction. I think the structure is straightforward, which I like, the pace good and the narrative keeps the story flowing effortlessly. Your use of phrases like 'wispy fog' really add to the richness of the writing without disrupting the flow. The dialogue is generally believable, although I thought she might have been even more scared than she was by someone following her home. She also rather seemed to jump to the conclusion about Alan's family connection I thought. Melanie is quite a nice character, but I didn't get much of a feel for Alan, or the attacker. Maybe Alan could benefit from a bit more development as he is one of the two main characters. Also, when I discovered that Mel was the product of a sleazy affair, I was left tutting at Alan and Rita. Perhaps you could have put in some extenuating circumstances for their affair to maintain the warm glow that the rest of the story creates. I didn't get any feel for the settings and think this is one area it might be improved. Perhaps by focusing more on the surroundings as she walked home it might create more atmosphere in the piece. Even so, I'm sure other readers will love it and may even be reaching for their handkerchiefs at the end. Overall, in my opinion it doesn't have the bite of "The Vultures", or the entertainment value of "Janet Goes Nuts", but it is a pleasant, smooth read with a warm feel to it. Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted May 25, 2009 Author Share Posted May 25, 2009 Thanks very much for those comments, RB. Some useful pointers there. When I can summon up some fresh enthusiasm for the story I shall have a go at a re-write. I've been suffering a dire bout of writer's block just lately, so no great writing successes to report I'm afraid. I did get a revamped version of Amber Essence shortlisted in a competition at the start of the year, so I've had a grand total of three stories published now. I think my journey to fame and fortune is going to be somewhat slow and plodding Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 I've been suffering a dire bout of writer's block just lately Ah. I've been having a spurt, though my previous months' stories for Graveyard and Red Herring are still unfinished. I don't think I read Amber Essence. And what were the other two that were published? I think it's excellent that you've had some stories published, SK, and you are an inspiration. Have you thought about a novel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Hi Sauerkraut. That was a good read, I have said it before; one just falls into your stories and before you know it, it’s the end. I have just finished “My Cousin Rachel, by DuMaurier” and all the way through I couldn’t help thinking; Sauerkraut could have written this. Anyway, I think Guardian Angel was well written and I cannot offer any words of advice (I’m not very good at this advice lark, am I?) I’m just glad we have trusty old (have less of the old) Ron Blanco in our mist. The story has a lot of potential but I think it needs expanding; I have a few ideas on that, so if you don’t mind me sticking my two penath in, await my PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted June 24, 2009 Author Share Posted June 24, 2009 Aww, thanks for that, coyleys. It's really good to know that someone somewhere appreciates my stories, even when they still need a lot of work. I intend to completely revamp Guardian Angel, so I shall await your PM with interest! RB, sorry: I overlooked your question. My other grand publications were The Letter (again from a competition) and a re-written version of Customer Disservice, which I sold to The Weekly News ... actually sold like wot a proper writer does!! I've started a novel but I've been stuck at chapter 5 for a very long time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Ah! Well done with the publications SK and I hope you find the inspiration to break through the wall in chapter 5. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falls Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hi, A great tale. I'm really envious of the way you craft all your stories. Sometimes it takes me days just to write a sentence, let alone a paragraph. Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Hi Sauerkraut, did you get my PM? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Oops, sorry, I haven't logged in for a while. Got it now, though, thanks. Have saved & will read properly and inwardly digest when I have more time. Meanwhile thanks very much: you've put a lot of thought into that PS Falls, thank you for your kind comments. I'm having one of those "can't put 2 sentences together" phases at the moment so I know how it feels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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