Speech - challenge for August

[maidinsheff]

Speech. (Word 2007 .Docx file)

 

GL Note If the above link doesn't work try > Speech. (Word 2003 .Doc file)

 

 

I hope I am doing this right I failed miserably at the first hurdle as I could not come up with a speech (wedding, after dinner, or otherwise) but the challenge did inspire me to write a small piece - entitled 'Speech'. I would be interested to hear what other people think of it. I know it doesn't fit the bill but I can ask to be let off the hook this once, being a novice and all.

 

Thanks

 

MaidinSheffield

[coyleys]

Well I thought this was a cracking story, a nice bit of descriptive work.

Like yourself, one of my favorites is Jane Eyre, and like your character I fell into the book. However I did find her sisters ‘Wuthering Heights ‘a bit hard to get into.

As for suggestions on how to better the story, I can think of none, it’s just fine.

Great stuff, I look forward to reading more of your contributions.

[Tallyman]

maidinsheff

 

Firstly, congratulations on coming up with something to post this month!

 

Secondly, I agree with Coyleys: what a lovely little story. We love it when the underdog triumphs and leaves her so-called 'superiors' gobsmacked.

 

As Coyleys has said, it has some fine descriptive pieces and some nice turns of phrase. I enjoyed it very much, and I hope you'll take the following observations in the positive spirit in which they're meant.

 

Miss Barton's unpleasant character arrives in the story fully formed. You tell us what she's like and show her at work in the classroom. But, on the face of it, she behaves so unlike a teacher should that I wonder what made her that way. Is it the years of teaching uninterested children or some terrible incident in the distant past? Why is she dismissive and sarcastic? Is she just going through the motions on her way to retirement? Has she lost the love of literature that once made her bring the pages alive to pupils long since gone? If so, how did she lose it? And, if she lost something, does Julie's stunning performance help to bring it back?

 

Your pivotal part of the story is, of course, when Julie begins to read and something magical happens. I can see the shots in a filmed version of this: the jaws slowly dropping, the fidgeting stopping, perhaps even a fantasy moment as Julie - in her battered shoes and grubby socks - stands reading aloud in Mr Rochester's room while he and Jane move around her, enacting the scene, miming the words as Julie's voice does the speaking for them.

 

And, in a way, that's the thing: the challenge in your story is to do exactly that in writing. To make this moment work, you have to blend together the classroom, the pupils, Julie, Miss Barton, Jane Eyre and Rochester to make a whirl of sudden understanding, expression and enlightenment - strong enough to make jaws drop and Denise Welch cry. In that moment, we have to be transported to a higher plane, a moment above and beyond the classroom, where the anticipated stumblings of an inexperienced reader unexpectedly become beautifully rendered.

 

I think you've gone a great deal of the way towards achieving that, but I'd suggest there is room for more. The passage you chose to quote from is good, but how much better would it be if the lines you quote relate directly to something/someone in Julie's classroom? For example:

 

The sneer on Miss Barton's face slowly fades.

'I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative tonight...'

 

I feel you need more quoted lines, and that you could contrive to make each one more relevant to the changes you're trying to make in the classroom characters. Julie triumphs and does something unexpected, but it also affects others - notably Denise and Miss Barton. What particular quote does that? What is it that makes Denise cry? Why exactly does Miss Barton's jaw drop? Is there something that makes her realise something about herself?

 

Also, you have the opportunity to alter the speed of the 'reading scene', for want of a better expression. As Julie starts to read, you have short quotes and longer descriptive passages - this is where you describe the changes both in the classroom and in Julie herself. As you establish what's happening, you have the opportunity to shorten the description bit by bit until you're almost matching it with the quotes, making each short sentence from the book match some action/reaction in the classroom, until Julie reaches her final sentence and it all stops abruptly, leaving the classroom in the kind of silence that follows a terrific explosion.

 

Anyway, just a few ramblings. But it is a lovely little story!

[Ron Blanco]

Hi MaidinSheff,

 

Thanks for posting something. It's a real pleasure to read other writers' work, whatever standard.

 

Your story, I thought, was beautifully written. I also thought the tone and characterisation were consistent with the subject of the story - quite formal and old-fashioned.

 

On the down side, the concept overlaps with that of a book I read recently called "The Eyre Affair", so for me it was lacking the impact of originality, but even so I enjoyed the sheer quality of your writing,

 

Thanks again for posting something.

[sauerkraut]

Well done MaidinSheff. Great username, by the way . I’m with Ron Blanco that it’s good to see someone posting something, especially when things have been rather quiet around here for a while. (Guilty as charged ).

 

It looks like you’ve really enjoyed making words work for you, coming up with some vivid images. I especially liked the “futile battering” of the fly at the end. Often, I felt the language was almost too rich, with description piled upon description almost to the point where the effect was overdone. But that could simply be my personal preference for simplicity. A minor pernickety point was the page number in Jane Eyre. I found myself thinking “Page 88? That sounds a bit soon for her to be talking to Mr Rochester...” which distracted me enough that I had to go and have a look. Sure enough, in my edition Jane’s still at Lowood on page 88. That’s easily mended, though.

 

Anyway, you’ve inspired me to go and read the whole thing again, now! I hope we’ll be hearing something more from you soon