Speech - Flopper Jones

[Ron Blanco]

Here's my effort for August.

 

Flopper Jones

 

I'd be very grateful for any comments.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Ron,

 

I thought this tale had a very good ending which I liked, however I thought the beginning was very stilted and the story didn't really get going until he scattered the sovereigns around the room.

 

Suggested improvements.

 

1. Delete the "dedication" speech - it's too recognisable as the lyrics that Roy Castle used to sing that on 'Record breakers' and it jarred.

 

2. Gazebo "flopper" Jones - no explanation is given why he has such an unusual name, may be worth changing it to something more Cornish sounding ("Jory Sharrock" is one Cornish name that came up in Google. What a cracking name!) and this ties in with the reference to the 'Dorset long board.'

 

3. The opening line by the MC sounded strange:

 

“And now, without further ado, I hand these ten gold sovereigns to today’s champion - Gazebo ‘Flopper’ Jones.”

 

The 'today' implies it is a daily event, not a long drawn out championship.

 

The "Thank you for insulting me" section was a good opening hook, it may have had even more impact if you'd led straight in with it, deleting the MC's speech altogether.

 

4. There were too many serial questions, perhaps if Jones had asked a question, then answered it before moving on to the next one it would flow better.

 

Is it for the love of money that I play my sport? Is it for financial gain that I take on the best? Is it my wish that you should pay to watch me?

I tell you all now, it is not. I do not play for money, just as I do not work for fun. Yes, perhaps I am the best here, perhaps the best in these lands,

 

Suggested alternative:

 

"Is it for the love of money that I play my sport? - I say no.

Is it for financial gain that I take on the best? - Again, no!

Is it my wish that you should pay to watch me? - Good Lord! No!

I do not play for money, nor fame, or for your adulation. I play because I want to and I must. I play because it is my only refuge, however fleeting, from the troubles that beset me…"

 

5. The prize money seems high. Although the year isn't stated if sovereigns are in common usage their value would be in the order of 22 to thirty shillings, quite a sum of money for the time when beer was 6d a pint (in 1917-ish) so if my maths is right 10 sovereigns (in 1917) equals something like £1540 to £2100 in today's money, this seems unrealistic for a shove hal'penny tournament, I think a bit of further research is needed.

 

6. The final section, when he scatters the coins etc. is good. The narrators struggle with his emotions was balanced by the need to maintain control and I think you handled it very well, if it had got too emotional at the end it would have undermined the restrained, dignified anger that runs throughout the story.

 

I hope you find the above critique useful and it helps you to develop your writing technique, please feel free to debate any points you disagree with & add your own comments.

[Ron Blanco]

Hi mantaspook,

 

Thanks very much for taking the time to read and comment on my 'rather last minute' effort.

 

"please feel free to debate any points you disagree with & add your own comments"

 

There is not much need for debate as I agree with your comments which I will incorporate into a cleaner version.

 

I'd like to keep the 'dedication' bit as a tribute to Roy Castle and Record Breakers, which I used to love, even though it does jar.

 

There's not much explanation for using the name "Gazebo" other than I'd been camping recently and there had been a lot of envious glances towards a posh group next to us who had a Gazebo, and I took a shine to the word. 'Flopper' is a shove ha'penny term.

 

The prize money does seem large, but I think I will leave it like that and cross my fingers that other readers are not as sharp with their arithmetic.

 

I completely agree with your points about the intro and the excess of questions.

 

I'm glad you liked some bits. It is really intended as a swipe at the concept of a 'professional sportsman' which I still regard as a contradiction in terms.

 

Thanks again.

[sauerkraut]

Gosh, shove ha’penny, that brings back some memories! I’d love to know whatever happened to my dad’s homemade shove ha’penny board: our family used to have great fun with that

 

Anyway, it was a very interesting idea and, like Mantaspook, I liked the “thank you for insulting me” line. The Roy Castle quote led me to expect the piece to be more lighthearted than it turned out to be, though, so that had me a bit confused. I wasn’t sure if I should be taking the character seriously. Did he throw away the coins simply as a gesture, knowing he could wangle them back later by mentioning his crippled son? That spoilt his credibility for me I’m afraid. But perhaps I’m too much of a cynic!

 

Good on you for having a go, though. I’ve never written any kind of speech in my life and I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. Maybe yours was a tick over-sentimental for my taste, but it did read like a very impassioned speech, and it conjured up a vivid impression of the setting.

[coyleys]

Hi ya Ron.

I got there eventually, It’s a good one, but then again aren’t all your little tales.

This would be good as a script, part of a play. I can visualise it now, like the priest preaching Hell, Fire and damnation, the scorn on his face, arms waving, finger pointing whilst declaring, “You will all be damned”. I half expected him to be a conman, and he would exit the back door and drive away in his Rolls Royce.

There are a few good ‘one-liners’.

I hate to jump on the ‘Manta bandwagon’ but he was spot-on, especially about the name, Gazebo ‘Flopper’ Jones. Make it relevant to the story. If you reread my ‘A brief history in time’ (Oops! I haven’t posted that one yet) or ‘A crime of instinct’ you will see all my names are relevant or innuendo’s.

It’s good Ron and deserves more comments.

Good man.

I will now see what our little Canadian friend has been up to.

[Ron Blanco]

Thanks SK and Coyleys. I've taken some of yours and Mantaspook's comments on board and tidied it up a bit.

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1256997227.DOC

 

I was interested to see SK's cynical interpretation that Flopper was a con man. That didn't enter my head as I wrote it, but it would have been a great ending for those who find the sentimentality too much to stomach.