Story: 'A curious place to find a horse.'

[Falls]

Hi,

 

This is a tale from circa 1930.

 

Even I had to admit, it was a most curious place to find a horse ... Read On

 

A curious place to find a horse.

 

Regards

[Mantaspook]

Hi Falls,

 

Well done for having a go at one of this month's themes.

 

I really like this, once again your writing reminds me on the late James Herriot, and aw, poor old Shemp! I got the impression he was a lovely horse, not only from this story but from his debut in your 'On a rail' story.

 

The third person perspective didn't work too well with this story, the focus seems to shift back and forth between young Eric, his grandmother and the other adults, if the story was told purely from Eric's perspective I think it would have been better.

 

Always have a look at any character that doesn't immediately contribute to the story & edit them out if possible, the most obvious example was Uncle John's unmarried sisters that got a mention but played no further part in the story.

 

There was another reason for Eric’s reluctance that had nothing to do with the distance or the weather. Clara, her husband John and John’s unmarried sisters lived in a unique property on a busy road in the city. Actually it was two large attached houses: The family lived in one house while the other was used for their well-established carpentry and funeral directing business.

 

Now the family were extremely careful separating activities in the house from what might be happening next door but it was inevitable that once in a while, such things as interconnecting doors might inadvertently be left ajar. We all know partially opened doors are an open invitation for small children, particularly an inquisitive boy like Eric. As far as anyone knew, he only made one incursion through an open door and even then, he didn’t venture too far over the threshold but something on the other side must have upset him.

 

The trouble with third person perspective is that it can lead to 'passive' writing that reads a little like a pamphlet from the council, if you analyse the above passage the description of the incident that spooked Eric is so subtlety implied it's almost invisible, I'm all for making the readers use their imagination but the story would have a lot more impact if you concentrated on Eric's reaction.

 

Here is a more 'active' example that (hopefully) conveys the same message in a more concise and exciting manner:

 

Eric didn't like Aunt Clara's house, it was a like a big old mansion because it was two buildings knocked into one. Clara and Uncle John lived in one half whilst the family business was run from the other side and this was why Eric was very reluctant to visit - it was because of the all the dead bodies next door.

 

One day, like any normal inquisitive boy, Eric was exploring and had wandered through a door he shouldn't have - straight into the parlour where an elderly gentleman was laid out in an open coffin!

 

He ran back through the door straight into his grandmother's arms, neck tingling with fear, eyes wide and bawling like a new born baby.

 

Uncle John, a wood plane still in his hands, ran in from the yard, he passed swiftly through the parlour and came through the door, anxiously looking for the source of all the commotion. Eric immediately mistook him for the man in the coffin, miraculously risen from the dead to angrily chase the small boy who had disturbed him and bolted for the door, heart hammering, his flailing hands clawed desperately at the locked kitchen door.

 

Note that I didn't say what their business was; there are enough clues for the reader to figure it out.

 

The ending

 

The ending was a little too ambiguous - I wasn't sure if Eric realised the horse was about to be put down or whether his grandmother's intervention distracted him.

 

You could end the story in two different ways.

 

1. Rite of passage ending - The adults try to hold the truth back but Eric realises what is about to happen, he is about to leave his childhood behind, come to terms with his fear of death (personified by the earlier incident) and realise his own mortality.

 

2. Poignant ending - Eric doesn't realise and assumes he will see the horse again, promising to bring him a carrot for when he's better. The adults look at each other knowingly but don't tell him.

 

Overall, I think the second option is more in keeping with the rest of the story so that is the one I would personally opt for.

 

Summary.

 

Start and finish the story with Eric, not his grandmother.

 

Tell the story from the young lad's perspective.

 

Edit the passive writing; it has to be more active to have impact.

 

Eric's fondness for Shemp needs greater emphasis - this would give a greater emotional impact when the horse has to be put down.

 

Decide which ending you want to go for, leave the reader in no doubt regarding Eric's emotions.

 

 

A big from me, I love reading old stories like this.

[Falls]

Hi Mantas,

 

Once again, thanks for all your comments. I'm in the process of revising the story and it should be complete in a day or so.

 

I do tend to hold back on dramatizing my stories in case I over do it. In this particular case, there was plenty of scope for real life drama if I had chosen to mine it. For example, 'Eric' could have been scared as a small child by discovering the old gentleman you mentioned but it was more likely the result of being used to "test" a newly finished coffin (they used to make all their own in those days).

 

This would be as a sort of template, being approximatly the same size as the intended 'occupant'. Having the lid put on, if only for a few seconds must have been terrifying.

 

All this had happened to other family members over the years, including my father when he was 'Eric's' age. As you grew older you would occassionally be drawn into other aspects of the business.

 

My father made sure none of this ever happened to me.

 

 

Regards

[Drakey]

I was intringue by just the title but unfortunately I haven't enough posts to access it.

[coyleys]

Hi ya Falls.

I liked this one; we will have to start calling you ‘Mr. Nostalgic’. I’m please to see you have stopped using brackets (to explain the obvious) It did tend to break up the flow of the narrative.

Once again Mantas raised some good points, but I’m not really sure on the endings. Mmmm, I think in this case, I’ll stick with the original, sorry Mantas.

I would like to read more comments on this one. So come on you lot, 180 views and only three comments, you took the time to read, so let’s have a line or two.

All-in-all a cracking little tale my little Canadian Dee-Dar, I’m just sorry it took so long for me to read.

Great stuff.

[Ron Blanco]

Hi Falls,

 

I enjoyed this. I don't think the quality of the writing was as good as some of your other stories, but the emotional aspect lifts it in my opinion.

 

I like your coffin explanation for the boy's reluctance to go in the house, though I didn't fully engage with this mystery as I read the story. Perhaps you could lead us a bit further along that thread of the story? Or did I simply miss the hints that might have led me to solve the mystery - I am notoriously slow on that side of things sometimes. For example you could include another incident that shows Eric has become claustrophobic, walking through a tunnel perhaps? Maybe slip in that he sleeps with the light on? For me there would also have to be a moment when he shudders when he sees a coffin. These clues might lead to a connection with the coffin theory allowing us to put two and two together. Although then it would become the main thread of the story and there would be almost no need for the horse at all. Hmmm, not sure what to think then, but those are my thoughts so far.

 

Looking forward to the revised version.

 

cheers Falls