Who has the most slappable face in entertainment?

[Bully_Beef]

Getting back to the slapping for a moment, if I may, gents.

I would like to nominate Joss Stone, not only for trying to approach soul music armed only with a handful of affected drama-school mannerisms, but also for braying like an amphetemine-addled child every time she is interviewed, and brimming over with revoltingly false modesty along the lines of “Christ, this, like, can’t be me - receving this award/performing at this festival/brown-nosing this music celebrity who I hadn’t previously heard of/etc. It’s, like, not actually happening???!!!” (except more nauseating by a factor of 100).

 

I don’t like to go bucking the system, but I feel that in this instance, rather than a slap in the face, the more edifying option (and more educational for the recipient) might be a kick up the arse. Timo, what a your thoughts on the legitimacy of this?

[timo]

Bully Beef,

You impress me with the savagery of your vituperation, and it is directed towards a most deserving target in Stone. An excellent and very accurate description of the woman's contrived, insincere 'incredulity' at her own success. To answer your question, yes, I think a subtle variation on your suggestion of a 'kick up the arse' would suffice. To elaborate further would be an affront to modesty and the 'family' orientation of the forum. Suffice to say that I would enjoy it, but Stone might not. At any rate, she would soon be hitting the high notes.

[Bully_Beef]

Originally posted by timo

Bully Beef,

You impress me with the savagery of your vituperation, and it is directed towards a most deserving target in Stone. An excellent and very accurate description of the woman's contrived, insincere 'incredulity' at her own success. To answer your question, yes, I think a subtle variation on your suggestion of a 'kick up the arse' would suffice. To elaborate further would be an affront to modesty and the 'family' orientation of the forum. Suffice to say that I would enjoy it, but Stone might not. At any rate, she would soon be hitting the high notes.

 

Haha, excellent, I'm glad you agree and are prepared to take it that step further. I have no doubt she would soon be expressing her amazement that "this, like, totally isn't happening??!!!"

[Don_Kiddick]

without a secong thought, Fiona Phillips of GMTV 'fame'

[Fareast]

Timo----Bully Beef

 

Surely some of the , "deserving cases " would be better served with the simultaneous actions you've mentioned.

As they moved backwards to escape the sock , filled with manure that was swishing them across the face , the foot that was kicking them up the arse might well reach into regions previously unexplored.

In their mad panic to escape the probing foot , they would move forward , only to be met by the sock .......ad infinitum.........

For the real , "stars" of slappability , perhaps a third feature could be introduced-------someone singing Des O'Conner songs in the background , at top volume.

[nick2]

This is a very cleansing, helpfull thread, a kind of e-therapy almost.

Don't we all feel better now we have got if off our chests ?

[sugarnspice]

Dearest Timo,

 

After thinking that we had slapped all the usual suspects and those that irk us beyond acceptable irritation, someone has come to mind this morning and I must share this with others.

 

Having 2 young children means that I am often found with a fixed moronic grin in faux enthusiasm for the preferred televisual delights that play on the CBeebies channel. Many presenters are in dire need of a quick slap but this woman I saw on there today needs to be discreetly placed in an institution before I would dare to go near her to give her the slap she so deserves.

 

Any parent with little ones may well be familiar with the programme Razzle Dazzle. There is a woman on there who quite frankly is insane and should be kept far away from all human beings, let alone vulnerable children. She needs a slap just to help reverse the startled rabbit expression. Has anyone seen this woman? My 2 and a half year old is left looking rather uncomfortable when her inane face and voice hog the screen. He also calls her "the crazy lady".

 

Please, I call on all parents of little children to line up and give this one a hearty, firm slap across the face.

 

Thank you for your time. I do feel slightly better now.

[timo]

Fareast,

Your suggestion of multiple punishment causes pleasure and amusement. What a very good idea! Whilst the addition of Des O'connor recordings is a credible refinement of cruelty, I would replace them with the monument to profoundly irritating self-importance that is Geri Halliwell's 'Look at Me', played constantly at full volume. Even the idea of it makes the senses reel.

 

Nick 2,

Glad that the thread provides a therapeutic function. In my case, it is more of an exorcism.

 

Sugarnaspice,

I am not familiar with childrens tv these days, save for Ballamorray, or Ballimory [whatever it is called], in which the 'multiracial' inhabitants of Hackney have been seemingly transported to some village in the Hebrides. I have sat through the programme at my neice's insistence, but aside from the latter and The Tweenies [which appears to feature demented aliens], I don't get to watch kiddies stuff. I shall ask dear little Louisa about Razzle Dazzle. Already, she is developing her uncle's pugilistic nature. At ballet, some weeks ago, the five year old felled a fellow pupil with a blow to the nose. When she returned, I asked why. The two had been made to work together as partners, and the unfortunate victim made the cardinal mistake of 'not darncing [sic] properly'. D'Arcy Bussell watch out...

[Fareast]

Timo ,

 

I apologise in advance here if I've missed something ------but you have such a huge thread that I haven't had time to explore it all in detail.

However , I do feel that you have been grossly negligent ; I'm afraid since this is your thread , you must take full responsbility for completely missing a Leading Contender in the Slappability Stakes.

I refer of course to that Antipodean Bundle of Awfulness , the one and only ------

 

Rolf Harris.

Not only is this man the creator of such ditties as , 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport ' , ' Two Little Boys' and [believe it or not ] one dubbed , 'Jake the Peg' but his fawning over our dumb friends is enough to send them and us , running to the bathroom to throw up.In fact I suspect the poor creatures have been heavily drugged in order to encourage them to appear in the same programme with him.

I only wish that someone had tied Mr. Harris down a long time ago or that Mr. Harris , senior , had slept in the spare bedroom precisely 9 months before little Rolfie appeared on the scene.

I can only think that you have missed him out as he was SO obvious a target-----rather like the postman in the Father Brown mystery story -----no one notices the obvious .

Well . now to the main event :----not only should this , "entertainer " be smacked from here to Sydney Harbour Bridge with kangaroo faeces wrapped in a net stocking but you could take advantage of his appearance by setting his beard on fire.

[Swan_Vesta]

This is becoming remarkably theraputic for me I must say, still fuelled by the irritation generated by a thread BoppinBruce started yesterday, true to my word I nominate Renee Zellweger's alter ego Bridget Jones.

 

What can I say, I f***ing hate her. The whiny, obsesive beeatch would get right up my nose if she could fit her fat arse up there, if you're that worried about the size of it then stop seeking refuge in chocolate and chardonay (incidentally putting away that amount of plonk on a regular basis probably means you have a drink problem!). I hate the pitiful cataloging of people into the shi**y little categories based on the individuals relationship with others instantly marking her out as a freak. Oh, and she's really, really posh too - that seals the deal.

 

I would like to lie in wait for her at the bottom of the fire pole and give her a proper spank across her piggy chops when I saw her plummet to the bottom. Once knocked out I would take delight in pelting her unconcious form with a selection of Green and Blacks chocolates until I tired of that and resorted to putting post it notes all over her body with "FREAK" written on them in a manic, childish scrawl.