Who has the most slappable face in entertainment?

[foo_fighter]

Originally posted by feargal

...does this mean we can expect to see you invading premiership pitches up and down the country, dispensing rapid-fire slaps to footballers? Oooh, hope so! Could be the new streaking!

Sorry for the delay in responding feargal, the "lay down" took longer than anticipated...

 

...and again, sorry, but I will not be actually offering out "scutchings" across all of the great stadia of our country, just thinking about the enormity of the task I had suggested has worn me out, the lord (and no, I don't mean chavers or snooty) only knows what attempting to carry the idea through would do to me.

 

Now of course, if we could organise a "rota", that might be a different matter...

 

[feargal]

Timo, the last time I had the misfortune to tune into local radio, Bernie Clifton had his own bloody show on Radio Sheffield!! It was absolute rhubarb as well. Surely one of our science-minded forum friends can develop a special torture for radio personnel, involving extreme frequencies until their ears bleed. An "aural slap" let's say.

 

SF's own Toby to be exempted from this punishment, of course.

[timo]

Feargal,

You have just given your uncle a marvellous idea! Why not subject Bernie Clifton to Ultrasound ? I was once told that it can cause incontinence in mild doses, and possible death in the case of maximum exposure. I read somewhere of American volunteers losing control of both bladder and bowels, when subjected to medium exposure in some experiment.

 

It would be amusing to subject Chesterfield's finest to Ultrasound whilst he was broadcasting his wretched show. Disgusting noises like those made by deflating balloons would be heard, as Clifton soiled himself, became more bewildered and distressed, and finally expired in an avalanche of stenching waste. If the 'wacky' entertainer were dressed as a chicken or an Ostrich, it could only add to the merriment.

[Guest bostonaire]

TED ROBBINS ....HES BLOODY EVERYWHERE!!

[LordSnooty]

Originally posted by timo

Feargal,

You have just given your uncle a marvellous idea! Why not subject Bernie Clifton to Ultrasound ? I was once told that it can cause incontinence in mild doses, and possible death in the case of maximum exposure. I read somewhere of American volunteers losing control of both bladder and bowels, when subjected to medium exposure in some experiment.

 

It would be amusing to subject Chesterfield's finest to Ultrasound whilst he was broadcasting his wretched show. Disgusting noises like those made by deflating balloons would be heard, as Clifton soiled himself, became more bewildered and distressed, and finally expired in an avalanche of stenching waste. If the 'wacky' entertainer were dressed as a chicken or an Ostrich, it could only add to the merriment.

 

Oh well, so much for the knightly code of honour! I can't help but agree, however, and would add that perhaps Clifton should be forced to bungie-jump - complete with bird, of course - from the fine suspension bridge which bears his name. That the giant rubber band should be at least twice the length of the drop goes without saying.

 

As a native of Derbyshire, I cannot condone the trashing of lovely Siestafield. Its magnificent Neo-Classical town hall is reason enough to adore the place. Try visiting Stoke-on-Trent - it makes Chesterfield look like Venice.

 

PS Bully Beef is indeed a fine fellow. Does he wear a black and red hooped sweater and sport a brutal 'bowl cut', I wonder?

[scallyali2]

GAIL PLATT AND SALLY WEBSTER,,,DONT YOU JUST HATE THE LOOK OF GORMYNESS ON THEIR FACES WHEN THERE IS A DILEMA,,,,

[Bully_Beef]

Gail platt; get her slapped!

 

Timo & Lord S, thanks for the kind acknowledgements. Lord S, glad you share my revulsion for His Soullessness, Jools Holland... that passage had me laughing out loud.

 

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but......NICOLE KIDMAN!

 

She is relentlessly vaunted by the press as being some sort of ultra-delectable siren/Holywood goddess, when in fact she has all the sex appeal of an under-nourished, pre-pubescent shop-mannequin (which - unless you are Jonathan King - is nil). Add to this her rodenty features, her lack of any descernible personality traits, and her non-presence on screen, and you have a celebrity who deserves to be slapped so hard that she falls out of her silly little high-heeled shoes.

 

Meanwhile, the thought of Bernie Clifton (of whom I have dim and painful memories from my youth) being forced to bungee jump in a bird suit whilst being subjected to the bowel-shattering effects of ultrasound, on his radio show, is delightful

[Swan_Vesta]

Praise be to the ressurection of this thread.

 

Timo,

 

I fully concur with electing Jonathon King as a candidate for a good slap, not content with producing offensive music that would repulse even the most tasteless listener, he is, in the words of the mighty Chris Morris: The crazy world of arthur brown, a two pin din plug, a slop badger - in short a purveyor of back door usery (courtesy of Brass Eye, Paedo special).

 

But what I find more offensive about King than the sum of his wholly awful parts is his persistant "I might be a convicted sex offender but everything'll be alright cos I'm loaded" expression which reflects his superior attitude to all and sundry including our judicial system.

 

King, I hope one day someone tempts you into a Rolls Royce and does you an extreme disservice by giving you the slap to end all slaps leaving you with a stinging, raw handprint across your wretched face.

[timo]

Snooty,

I had better retract my harsh words about Chesterfield in case my Aunty Marion reads them. I don't think she would take kindly to phrases such as 'Ey up Duck' numpties etc. She's never liked me, you know. It is all because I let Uncle Derek's tyres down one Sunday afternoon. I was all of seven, but you'd think it was yesterday. Oh, and there was the little incident with my cousin Joanne's budgie. She's never forgotten that either. I didn't leave the cage door open on purpose. It wasn't my fault that the budgie escaped. I know that I laughed when that flock of aggressive sparrows chased 'Dinky' over the treetops, but it is years ago now. I suppose, on reflection, the drunken telephone abuse, unsolicited cement deliveries, hoax bomb calls and vandalism to her garden didn't endear me to her either. Don't some relatives bear a bloody grudge, eh?

[rad]

Fearne Cotton. SOOOOOOOO slappable. Yet the BBC keep giving her more work. Whyyyyyy?