Poem - Name Calling

[Sir_Nigel]

I didn’t fancy Fatima but liked her sister Thinima

I asked her to go out with me and took her to the cinema.

She seemed a pleasant jolly girl and very nearly glamorous,

I bought her drinks and chocolate with hopes of something amorous.

Ignoring Renee Zellweger I fumbled for a breast or two

but suddenly she said to me ‘I’ve something to confess to you’

She told me that her family had suffered quite a tragic fate

I ceased my furtive groping then and asked her to elaborate.

Her father was an Irishman who’d settled down in Rotherham

He gave his daughters silly names and thought it wouldn’t bother ‘em.

‘There’s Windypoo and Sanilav and poor distraught Clemydia’

‘I’m glad that wasn’t you’ I said ‘I’d like as not get rid o’ ye.’

‘And Grizabell and Porkylips and baby sister Beverly’

(they’d finally stood up to him and remonstrated heavily)

Her father hoped to mould the fate of her and her beloved twin,

although they were identical, he hoped they’d grow: one fat, one thin

‘He claimed we’d be unique’ she said ‘and puzzle folks at spelling bees.’

‘Your mother must be pooped’ I said ‘she popped ‘em out like shelling peas’

The sisters took a further step to stop his foolish practises

they did what Lizzie Borden did and chopped him up with axes.

 

 

 

I didn’t ask her out again, for other girls I’d sooner pick.

I don’t know if she’s traumatised or just an effing lunatic.

I rather have a lady with no baggage and no axe to grind

A girl named Jane or Mary of the common, more relaxter kind

 

So don’t forget the message here, this isn’t just for merriment

If your loins are proving fruitful don’t be temped to experiment

Whether you’re malevolent or barely have an ounce of sense

just ponder on this story and it’s gruesome, blood-soaked consequence.

[Drakey]

Funny and Gruesome Sir Nigel. I like the Lizzie Borden reference.