Nah then folks, during the 60s..

[cuttsie]

A Papal Visit 1967

 

The hapless but clitic Zakes aged 13 was not one to stalk, even though he possessed one. He always took great care and pride in choosing the right girls, who had to be clean, because he didn't want to end up with 'sailors' crawling about on his mast. Zakes was toying with the idea of joining the navy when he had finished with school, but being a fly git he might be more suited enlisting in the RAF instead. Unaided by a telescope, Zakes used his nelsonic eyesight to espy a girl of a similar age to his good self, who lived over the back gardens from where he lived at Newstead Rise.

 

Janet was a girl with orange coloured hair that reached down to her slim shoulders. Her alabaster pink skin was somewhat befreckled giving her the appearance of cuteness. There was a girl in school who was Zakes' favourite, but Janet was alright and would do. As us mariners always say, "Any port in a storm". It was rumoured in the locality that Janet suffered in a bad way with Avitaminosis, but it was also said that she was afebrile.

Zakes' eldest brother had been on a few dates with Janet's elder sister. This sister was a nurse, and Zakes presumed she tended and cared for his brother's every need and whim, whatever they may be. On one occasion they had gone out for a meal together, and on that particular evening the rain had come down like stair rods and they hadn't taken an umbrella with them. This made Zakes quite envious because his elder brother would have had his appetite whetted, knowing he was out with a wet nurse.

 

Zakes had for weeks now been trying to get Janet's attention, but hadn't been successful. He had fired peas, rice and lentils with his pea shooter from his bedroom window to no avail, because the distance between their houses was too great. He had considered using his catapult, but he didn't want to put her bedroom window through. Another possibility was to stand in her garden and throw grit up to her window, and if need be, chuck clods of clay, but the window cleaner wouldn't be too happy about that. Zakes had also tried calling from his bedroom window at night, using an old lime green blue coloured lampshade as a makeshift megaphone romantically calling,

 

"Janet The Gannet,

From an unknown planet". repeatedly,

He received no response.

 

One Saturday afternoon, Zakes had been playing subbuteo in the living room at the house of two of his mates who often played football with him on the street (rise). These two mates were brothers and they were called David and Gary Shirley (no relation to an earlier post), and David was the eldest of the two by a year or so. The Shirley brothers lived next door or two to the carrot topped Janet and her family.

 

Having said goodbye to the Shirley brothers, Zakes stepped on to the path outside their house and came face to face with the elusive Janet. Within a handful of seconds Zakes' heart was also throbbing, and he observed that Janet was eating from a small conic shaped paper bag half filled with cherry lips sweets. This, thought Zakes, must be one of the reasons why she had rusty coloured hair. The nervous Zakes admired the two pink slides in her hair, and decided to bite the bullet and almost chipped a tooth in the process. Shaking like a leaf, Zakes asked the girl from an unknown planet, if she would like to go on a 'nature' walk with him to Birley woods. After a few moments of cogitation, Janet said she would have to take a rain check. Zakes argued that the skies were clear, and rain hadn't been forecasted because he had heard the meteorological outlook on Radio We(a)therby that very morning. Janet's lips twitched with mirth, and she rolled her eyes but told Zakes she wasn't interested in doing a nature walk today. Zakes had no choice but to shrimdictively accept her decision. Zakes then sloped off in the direction of home leaving the coy, playing hard to get gannet standing alone, on her own, on the path.

 

Zakes arrived home, then slammed the door behind him because he wasn't born in a field. Entering the lounge Zakes noticed his aunty Grizzelda had come to visit, all the way from Harcourt Road in Sheffield 10. Aunty 'Griz' saw that Zakes was looking somewhat dispirited, and held her favourite nephew tightly and closely to her 58 inch bosom. Zakes felt titilated, and without showing it, discarded his demise and felt his spirits rise.

The well endowed aunty asked Zakes why he was looking so down and sad faced. Zakes explained that at school yesterday, a girl called Lynn had repelled his advances, and today a girl named Janet had also told him to get on his bike. His aunty with the giant sized paps, gave Zakes another warm hug and said......

 

"When one door closes, another one slams in your face" Ugh.

Cheers Zakes thats started my day of grand!

[poppins]

so cute, Zakes slammed the door behind him because he wasn't born in a field

[cuttsie]

so cute, Zakes slammed the door behind him because he wasn't born in a field

Thats what our mams used to shout at kids of a certain age when we left the back door open i can hear it now.Shut bloody door wa tha born in a field or summat!

[zakes]

Mum Zakes had gone very early this morning with the local knitting club on a day trip to Wales, and she promised tobring Zakes a bar of taffee back with her. Zakes couldn't remember the name of the town where she'd gone but it was something like, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. This gave Zakes and his dad the chance to have a man to man tete-a-tete under four eyes.

 

Zakes asked his dad why it was he wasn't pulling gorgeous birds, instead of the scabby ones he tended to get lumbered with, making him feel like a failure. Dad Zakes told his youngest and most precious son to try to remember the 5 F's, Find 'em, Feel 'em, Fin__r 'em, F___ 'em, Forget 'em. Zakes gave his dad a misty look, his dad gave a sympathetic smile in return then said, "Son, you are not a failure, failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up." Dad Zakes continued to explain and foolishly told his son that the only guaranteed way to pull a gorgeous bird is either if you have a boat load of money, or if you possess a twelve incher, or preferably both. Zakes listened intently as his father proceeded by saying "The bad news is, you are working class and you don't have any dosh now, and you will never have any, and your other problem is, you've only got an eleven incher". Hearing this broke Zakes' heart and he burst into tears and was inconsolable, even though his dad tried. With salt filled teardrops rolling down his lovely cheeks the saddened Zakes left the living room slamming the door behind him.

 

Using the left cuff of his pink jacket to wipe his snot ridden snout, the despairing Zakes approached the pond at Frecheville with the sole intention of chucking himsen in. Just at the point of launching himself, Zakes heard a familiar voice calling his name. Zakes turned around to see a lad he knew called Bonehead Ed who had an intelligence quotient smaller than the size of his shoes, and who lived on East Glade Avenue in Hackenthorpe. Bonehead Ed had with him a pal called Nobby The Nobbler who was as much use as a wet fart in a colander that cahn't gerr'aht cusset hoiles, and he abided next door but one to his mate.

The two unwelcome numbskulls reached Zakes, and Bonehead Ed spoke first by saying "Well, well, well". Zakes jokingly responded with ,"What's a well wi'aht a bucket?" Then The Nobbler interjected with an aggressive, "Nuff to drahn thee in!" Zakes felt an underlying tension which made him afeared of these two pillox. Little did they know that when Zakes gets scared he gets dangerous, and comes out feighting.

 

The silence was next disturbed by Nobby The Nobbler when he barked in the direction of Zakes, "That pink jacket thar's gorron, mecks thee look like a puff, where did tha gerrit frum?" Zakes boldly retorted, "Pigs arse, second shelf, that's where ah gorrit frum!" This rocked Gobby Nobby as he glanced over to his pal for back up. Bonehead Ed withdrew a pack of five Park Drive plain fags from the right hand pocket of his brown and yellow checked hipsters, then placed a ciggie between his thick puppet lips and asked Zakes, "Has tha gorra match?". Zakes loudly replied ,"AAH! My arse and thar face!" Then with Templaresque speed, skill and strength Zakes bundled them both into the pond, turned on his heel and scarpered.

 

Nearing home Zakes thought of what his dad had said to him earlier in the day. Suddenly Zakes' face broke into a ten mile wide grin as it dawned upon him that he was only thirteen and there was still plenty of time for him to get a boat load of money when his dad wins on the pools coupon, and also time for him to grow at least one more inch.

[cuttsie]

Mum Zakes had gone very early this morning with the local knitting club on a day trip to Wales, and she promised tobring Zakes a bar of taffee back with her. Zakes couldn't remember the name of the town where she'd gone but it was something like, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. This gave Zakes and his dad the chance to have a man to man tete-a-tete under four eyes.

 

Zakes asked his dad why it was he wasn't pulling gorgeous birds, instead of the scabby ones he tended to get lumbered with, making him feel like a failure. Dad Zakes told his youngest and most precious son to try to remember the 5 F's, Find 'em, Feel 'em, Fin__r 'em, F___ 'em, Forget 'em. Zakes gave his dad a misty look, his dad gave a sympathetic smile in return then said, "Son, you are not a failure, failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up." Dad Zakes continued to explain and foolishly told his son that the only guaranteed way to pull a gorgeous bird is either if you have a boat load of money, or if you possess a twelve incher, or preferably both. Zakes listened intently as his father proceeded by saying "The bad news is, you are working class and you don't have any dosh now, and you will never have any, and your other problem is, you've only got an eleven incher". Hearing this broke Zakes' heart and he burst into tears and was inconsolable, even though his dad tried. With salt filled teardrops rolling down his lovely cheeks the saddened Zakes left the living room slamming the door behind him.

 

Using the left cuff of his pink jacket to wipe his snot ridden snout, the despairing Zakes approached the pond at Frecheville with the sole intention of chucking himsen in. Just at the point of launching himself, Zakes heard a familiar voice calling his name. Zakes turned around to see a lad he knew called Bonehead Ed who had an intelligence quotient smaller than the size of his shoes, and who lived on East Glade Avenue in Hackenthorpe. Bonehead Ed had with him a pal called Nobby The Nobbler who was as much use as a wet fart in a colander that cahn't gerr'aht cusset hoiles, and he abided next door but one to his mate.

The two unwelcome numbskulls reached Zakes, and Bonehead Ed spoke first by saying "Well, well, well". Zakes jokingly responded with ,"What's a well wi'aht a bucket?" Then The Nobbler interjected with an aggressive, "Nuff to drahn thee in!" Zakes felt an underlying tension which made him afeared of these two pillox. Little did they know that when Zakes gets scared he gets dangerous, and comes out feighting.

 

The silence was next disturbed by Nobby The Nobbler when he barked in the direction of Zakes, "That pink jacket thar's gorron, mecks thee look like a puff, where did tha gerrit frum?" Zakes boldly retorted, "Pigs arse, second shelf, that's where ah gorrit frum!" This rocked Gobby Nobby as he glanced over to his pal for back up. Bonehead Ed withdrew a pack of five Park Drive plain fags from the right hand pocket of his brown and yellow checked hipsters, then placed a ciggie between his thick puppet lips and asked Zakes, "Has tha gorra match?". Zakes loudly replied ,"AAH! My arse and thar face!" Then with Templaresque speed, skill and strength Zakes bundled them both into the pond, turned on his heel and scarpered.

 

Nearing home Zakes thought of what his dad had said to him earlier in the day. Suddenly Zakes' face broke into a ten mile wide grin as it dawned upon him that he was only thirteen and there was still plenty of time for him to get a boat load of money when his dad wins on the pools coupon, and also time for him to grow at least one more inch.

Who needs The News of World, Zakes world gives it a ten break, Cheers!

[denlin]

Krasnaya Zvezda, Egdirbmac 5

 

Zakes' mum had gone to Cairncross in Scotland for a few days to visit her ill brother John who was in unhealth, and he was'nt very well either. It was early Sunday morning as Zakes and his dad left the family home on their way to the newsagent shop for fags and papers. Three minutes into their stroll a strange man who Zakes had seen a few times before was coming from the opposite direction and nearing the two. Zakes didn't like the look of the man attired in white Mackintosh and black Trilby hat, and thought he may be a forrin spy. The two adults greeted each other in passing and Zakes distinkly heard his dad say Phil to the other man, and as Zakes passed the man he noticed that he had a copy of Pravda newspaper in his left pocket. When Zakes was again level with his dad, he mentioned that he thought the man Phil by the way was a spy, but Dad Zakes smiled down to his youngest son and said, ''Don't be daft lad, Mr Kimby is an agent for McLean's Toothpaste company, don't let your imagination run away with you''.

A few minutes away from the newspaper shop another man walked by dressed in a similar way to that Mr Kimby, and as this man passed by, Dad Zakes said ''Hello Anthony'' and the man responded with a gruff ''O'reight''. Zakes said that that Anthony man also looked like a spy too, and Dad Zakes told his son that the man was Blunt by name and blunt by nature, but was a nice man. Dad Zakes then def(l)ected the conversation by asking his son what he'd like for his birthday on Tuesday, and Zakes said his wish would be for a pet dog, and his dad said ''We'll see lad''.

On entering the newsagents shop Dad Zakes said a friendly ''Hello, Mr Burgess'' to the man behind the counter who was perusing a copy of the Izvestia newspaper, and Dad Zakes promptly ordered a pack of 20 Sobranie cigarettes, the 'Screws of the World' newspaper, plus a comic and a Caramac bar for his son. On the way home Zakes asked his dad who the guy was in the shop, and Dad Zakes replied that he knew the man from the local pub, and his favourite tipple was a straight double vodka.

The rest of the journey home was tassiturnly silent.

 

57 hours later on Tuesday at 17.00, Zakes and his dad were in Mace's pet shop at the market, and Zakes went to the dog cages and wanted a male dog, and not one of those habitchual ones, and decided on a Borzoi, and before anyone could say Sputnikartificialsatellite, he named it Lev Yashin!

 

:hihi::hihi: Very good Zakes but not sure whether Burgess, McLean or Anthony Blunt came from Sheffield

[zakes]

Reply to Denlin.

 

As a young ‘un I had a highly Imaginative Imagination.

You mentioned the 3 spies Burgess, McLean and Blunt, perhaps you didn’t notice that I had included the other 2 spies making up the Cambridge 5 (spelt backwards in the story title), namely John Cairncross and Kim Philby. The mention of Kim Philby is in the line ……’he mentioned that he thought the man Phil by the way was a spy.’

 

Another example is :-…on the way home Zakes asked his dad who the guy was in the shop,…Guy Burgess.

 

P.S. It does seem strange though, that the four men I came across on that sunny morn bore the names of four of the spies!

I enjoy putting hidden things in my storyettes. 2 posts later which was Glass String 1966 I put in the name Jim Carner = Gymkhana. There is more hidden stuff in other posts too.

 

Thanx for reading my stuff, it’s much appreciated.

 

Zakes.

[zakes]

Mikado 1967.

 

The ever alert but pentacious Zakes would have to adventure alone by himself for the next two days. Zakes' two pals of the month were in the scouts and had gone away for the weekend to attend a jamboree. Jam is what the qui vive Zakes now had on his three slices of toasted ryeveeta bread as he breakfasted at home on the estate Newstead.

Zakes was hoping his two pathfinding pioneering pals were having a good time at camp learning how to knot knots, light fires and how to become good bob-a-jobbers. Zakes had never once aspired to be a boy scout, because it was against his principles to be a member of any paramilitary organisation.

 

Mum Zakes barged her way into the kitchen and cast a thin lipped smile in the direction of her youngest and sweetest and most good lookingest son. He responded with a quick twitch of his lips and a tweak of his left eyebrow. Zakes was asked by his mum if he was planning to go out today, and he replied in the affirmative by saying yes. Mum Zakes went on to say that in the early evening there would be a Japanese musical on the television, and it would be nice if he could come home a little later than usual or alternatively if he came home early, food would be already prepared for him to take to his sleeping room. Zakes agreed to his mum's request and decided to jest by asking her if she would like him to go to the shop to get her half a pound of Jap desserts.

Mum Zakes soon nipped his japery in the bud by giving him a deptorious glare, then she picked up her salmon blue coloured rural science gloves, and she made her way to the back garden to tend to her beloved Banzai plants.

 

Whilst chewing on his last slice of toast to end his morning meal, Zakes mused wondering why his mum found it so difficult to accept that she was from the Hoi Pol Loi, but liked to think herself to be one of the bourgeoisie bleedahs by watching posh stuff on the telly.

 

Afternoon arrived, and Zakes had prepared himself for a long walk. Zakes liked to walk and often covered many miles, God bless his sole. He always advanced by gaining ground even though he was well known as a stationary traveller. The survival artist that Zakes was, did on one occasion strain the ascarids in his right foot because he had walked too far and too long whilst wearing designer pit boots acquired from the army surplus store in downtown Frechethorpe. Attired in his brand spanking new jacket made from finest quality Angolan anthrax leather, Zakes set off.

 

The plan was to walk to the Manor estate and to have a neb around and to see if there was any decent birds knocking about. After a few minutes Zakes had a change of heart courtesy of Christian Barnard, and decided against going to the Manor because he remembered that a friend of his called Justin Thyme had told him that the Manor estate people were rough, uncultured and uncultivated, and that even the pensioners were strutting about proudly showing off their love bites plastered about their wrinkly necks. Zakes made the decision to walk about Basegreen and Gleadless Townend instead. On reaching Fox Lane, Zakes espied over the road a young woman called Sophisticated Sophie who was a known local streetwalker. Sophie was famous for not being expensive to hire, but Zakes didn'thave any dosh on him. Zakes didn't like the idea that Sophie used axle grease, and she also used polythene sandwich bags and string. Zakes decided not to pross over the road and scurried by pretty sharpishly.

 

After several unadventurous hours in Basegreen and the Townend, Zakes made his way in the direction of home. On arrival Zakes went into the kitchen and could hear the sound of the Japanese musical coming through the wall from the lounge. Zakes picked up the plate with his evening meal upon it. Zakes feasted his eyes on the food feast which comprised of pork pie, rice, lettuce, sushi redskins, onions, there was also a spot of Molman's Custard on the side.

 

Reclining upon his bed Zakes masticated with gusto and verve, and with a long loud belch which is actually a diverted fart, he licked his lips and slung his now empty plate onto the Axminster.

With appetite now fully sated, Zakes reached for the book he had recently nicked from the local library. The book was about the sexual behaviour of whales in the deep seas of the world. The information in the book was quite well advanced when one considered it was written in 1851. There was suddenly a knock on his bedroom door, and Zakes quickly tucked under his pillow the Herman Melville book titled, Moby's Dick.

Mum Zakes entered the bedroom and thanked Zakes for being such a good boy to allow his parents to watch the Japanese musical undisturbed. Zakes smiled, and not being uneducated asked his mum if she'd enjoyed watching The Mikado. Mum Zakes looked quite puzzled then said, "No son, we've been watching The Bridge over the River Choir!"

[cuttsie]

Mikado 1967.

 

The ever alert but pentacious Zakes would have to adventure alone by himself for the next two days. Zakes' two pals of the month were in the scouts and had gone away for the weekend to attend a jamboree. Jam is what the qui vive Zakes now had on his three slices of toasted ryeveeta bread as he breakfasted at home on the estate Newstead.

Zakes was hoping his two pathfinding pioneering pals were having a good time at camp learning how to knot knots, light fires and how to become good bob-a-jobbers. Zakes had never once aspired to be a boy scout, because it was against his principles to be a member of any paramilitary organisation.

 

Mum Zakes barged her way into the kitchen and cast a thin lipped smile in the direction of her youngest and sweetest and most good lookingest son. He responded with a quick twitch of his lips and a tweak of his left eyebrow. Zakes was asked by his mum if he was planning to go out today, and he replied in the affirmative by saying yes. Mum Zakes went on to say that in the early evening there would be a Japanese musical on the television, and it would be nice if he could come home a little later than usual or alternatively if he came home early, food would be already prepared for him to take to his sleeping room. Zakes agreed to his mum's request and decided to jest by asking her if she would like him to go to the shop to get her half a pound of Jap desserts.

Mum Zakes soon nipped his japery in the bud by giving him a deptorious glare, then she picked up her salmon blue coloured rural science gloves, and she made her way to the back garden to tend to her beloved Banzai plants.

 

Whilst chewing on his last slice of toast to end his morning meal, Zakes mused wondering why his mum found it so difficult to accept that she was from the Hoi Pol Loi, but liked to think herself to be one of the bourgeoisie bleedahs by watching posh stuff on the telly.

 

Afternoon arrived, and Zakes had prepared himself for a long walk. Zakes liked to walk and often covered many miles, God bless his sole. He always advanced by gaining ground even though he was well known as a stationary traveller. The survival artist that Zakes was, did on one occasion strain the ascarids in his right foot because he had walked too far and too long whilst wearing designer pit boots acquired from the army surplus store in downtown Frechethorpe. Attired in his brand spanking new jacket made from finest quality Angolan anthrax leather, Zakes set off.

 

The plan was to walk to the Manor estate and to have a neb around and to see if there was any decent birds knocking about. After a few minutes Zakes had a change of heart courtesy of Christian Barnard, and decided against going to the Manor because he remembered that a friend of his called Justin Thyme had told him that the Manor estate people were rough, uncultured and uncultivated, and that even the pensioners were strutting about proudly showing off their love bites plastered about their wrinkly necks. Zakes made the decision to walk about Basegreen and Gleadless Townend instead. On reaching Fox Lane, Zakes espied over the road a young woman called Sophisticated Sophie who was a known local streetwalker. Sophie was famous for not being expensive to hire, but Zakes didn'thave any dosh on him. Zakes didn't like the idea that Sophie used axle grease, and she also used polythene sandwich bags and string. Zakes decided not to pross over the road and scurried by pretty sharpishly.

 

After several unadventurous hours in Basegreen and the Townend, Zakes made his way in the direction of home. On arrival Zakes went into the kitchen and could hear the sound of the Japanese musical coming through the wall from the lounge. Zakes picked up the plate with his evening meal upon it. Zakes feasted his eyes on the food feast which comprised of pork pie, rice, lettuce, sushi redskins, onions, there was also a spot of Molman's Custard on the side.

 

Reclining upon his bed Zakes masticated with gusto and verve, and with a long loud belch which is actually a diverted fart, he licked his lips and slung his now empty plate onto the Axminster.

With appetite now fully sated, Zakes reached for the book he had recently nicked from the local library. The book was about the sexual behaviour of whales in the deep seas of the world. The information in the book was quite well advanced when one considered it was written in 1851. There was suddenly a knock on his bedroom door, and Zakes quickly tucked under his pillow the Herman Melville book titled, Moby's Dick.

Mum Zakes entered the bedroom and thanked Zakes for being such a good boy to allow his parents to watch the Japanese musical undisturbed. Zakes smiled, and not being uneducated asked his mum if she'd enjoyed watching The Mikado. Mum Zakes looked quite puzzled then said, "No son, we've been watching The Bridge over the River Choir!"

Thanks Zakes, Tha,s made my day as usual .

The best stuff ever on Sheffield Forum .

[cuttsie]

Zakes is there some thing missing or was i dreaming.