First few pages of a book

[Kaimani]

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1265816504.docx

 

hey guys. long time. good to see the creativity continues. have a look at the first few pages of a book i've been working on.

the point of view of the narator, i've been told, is somewhat strange. but think it might work.

read as much, or as little as you want. those who might want more pages i'll be glad to oblige.

thanks.

brutal honesty.

[Kaimani]

nothing, guys? wasn't that bad was it?

[coyleys]

Hi Kaimani

Firstly there was a lot of irritating typos, mainly the use or not of capital letters.

Then you seem to use a lot of unnecessary words or clichés. It reminded me of an early episode of Stargate – I don’t know if you ever saw it – when Daniel first met an ascended being on the planet Kheb, I think it was; Season 3, Episode 64, ‘Maternal Instinct’, but I may be wrong. (God! Am I sad or what?). Sorry, I digress.

And to say it was 1,290 words, there wasn’t a lot of narrative, what narrative there was seemed to jump about a bit. I found it a bit confusing but I think I got your drift. Try to go easy on the clichés and it may flow a bit better.

Anyway, that’s my very, very, amateur opinion, for what it’s worth..

Sorry Kaimani, once again I’m off your Christmas list.

 

P.S. I don’t get the 16 on the Ethnicity 16?

[Kaimani]

ha ha, you're not at all. will brew you some homemade ale:-) i'll work on it as you said. that's the whole point, right? been working on taking a lot of unnecessary words. one of my faults, and pet hates. still on early dreafts so hope to get it better. thanks for the feedback. note to self-GET RID OF CLICHES.

ps-you're right about the stargate episode. hadn't realised it, but i see your point:-)

so, more narrative, less cliches and make the narrative less jumpy. will do my homework.

the ethnicity thing is when on those equal oppotunity forms they list all kinds of different ethnicities and you pick a number to say which you think you are. must take that off, doesn't work if i have to elaborate.

thanks for the feedback. most appreciated.

[shoeshine]

hiya Kaimani ..... great to see you back on the Group.

 

You've produced a first few pages which are possibly best sited after the description/introduction of where the main character is placed .... in a restrictive area, or a war zone or medical facility following some sort of trauma.

 

Your offered pages here are compelling reading, without doubt .... but the character needs (in my honest opinion) to be set within a context wherein he's found himself.

 

I hope this helps.

[Kaimani]

thanks shoeshine. narrative, my weakest point. will work better on it. think the idea of the narrator being the voice the guy hears in his head is something amis, rushdie etc should try. gonna go back to a more traditional narrator so i can work more on the narrative than the narration as well.

AND THE CLICHES. CAN THE CLICHES.

thanks.

good to be back