Story: 'The Painter by the Lake.'

[coyleys]

Ooo, great criticism, thanks!

Will reconsider the use of the hyphen

 

I’m glad you can take a bit of criticism Fanfa, it’s no good if all one gets is a pat on the back, we need to learn. Anyway here’s another bit of advice; don’t get the hyphen and dash mixed up.

 

This is not my work, I’m not that good.

 

The hyphen ( - )

 

The hyphen was once a common punctuation mark on typewriters, when a long word might have been split between two lines.

 

The hyphen is still used in a number of other areas:

 

Use a hyphen when adding a prefix to some words. The purpose of this hyphen is to make the word easier to read. If you were to leave the hyphen out of a word like re-examine, it would be reexamine, which would be harder to read.

 

Understand that some words do not require a hyphen to separate the prefix from the word, such as restate, pretest, and undo. Let a dictionary be your guide for when to use the hyphen after a prefix.

 

When you use a hyphen, the two words have to rely on each other.

For example: re-arrange. Cara is his ex-girlfriend.

 

Use hyphens when creating compound words from separate words.

 

eg: "The up-to-date newspaper reporters were quick to jump on the latest scandal. "

 

Use a hyphen when writing numbers out as words. Separate the two words of any number under one hundred with a hyphen.

 

eg:: There are fifty-two playing cards in a deck. ("The amount is one hundred and eighty" is a common error in US English, where the "and" is usually omitted. Elsewhere in the English-speaking world, however, the "and" is usually included.)

 

Be careful with spelling out numbers above one hundred — if the number is used as an adjective, it is completely hyphenated, since all compound adjectives are hyphenated (This is the one-hundredth episode.). Otherwise, a hyphen should only occur if a number greater than 100 occurs within the larger number, e.g., He lived to be one hundred twenty-one.

 

The dash( -- or — )

 

The dash should be used when making a brief interruption within a statement, a sudden change of thought, an additional comment, or a dramatic qualification.

 

It can also be used to add a parenthetical statement, such as for further clarification, but should still be relevant to the sentence. Otherwise, use parentheses.

 

Keep in mind that the rest of the sentence should still flow naturally. Try to remove the statement within the dash from the sentence; if the sentence appears disjointed or does not make sense, then you may need to revise. There should be spaces before and after the dash in British English.

 

An introductory clause is a brief phrase that comes — yes, you guessed it — at the beginning of a sentence.

 

This is the end of our sentence — or so we thought.

[Mantaspook]

One brutally honest critique as requested.

 

This is an interesting story with some good descriptive writing, but there are a couple of issues that need addressing.

 

1. Position of the Gull.

 

The inky black milk lapped onto the pebbled shoreline. Just a few feet out, a gull perched on its pedestal. Waiting.

 

The opening line isn't great, milk isn't inky black but as a painter myself I know exactly the effect you're trying to describe, basically a dark body of water in the foreground that turns into a sparkling line of white at the distant shoreline. However, 'just a few feet out' implies the gull is in the lake, 'perched on its pedestal' tells the reader it is sat on something, in view of what came later I thought the body was floating beneath the surface.

 

When we meet the gull again:

 

The gull seemed to be communicating with another. It squawked from its vantage point, gave a cursory glance around then gracefully flew in the direction of the other voice. Alone. Silly to have felt and enjoyed the company of a bird balanced on a rock.

 

We learn that the gull was balanced on a rock and 'vantage point' implies it is above the painter's head. Is it on an island in the lake? If so, why didn't you mention this? Because the gull was 'a few feet out' I visualised it as been on a small outcrop of rock that was barely breaking the water surface. (Which later turns into the corpse)

 

A stroke here and there combining to form the female figure that stared intently from the rock where the bird had settled. Staring directly into Alice’s eyes. It held her gaze for too long and she could sense the familiar rise of panic within her.

 

Too vague. How large is this rock? If the corpse is staring directly at Alice it must be close.

 

2. Alice's reactions are unbelievable.

 

A stroke here and there combining to form the female figure that stared intently from the rock where the bird had settled. Staring directly into Alice’s eyes. It held her gaze for too long and she could sense the familiar rise of panic within her. Alice turned away laughing at the power of her imagination and an attempt to ward off the fear, reprimanded herself, “You idiot! You painted it! You can paint over it if you don’t like it!

 

Bearing in mind she is still at the scene, wouldn't her natural reaction be to look up in horror to the rock to spot the body? Instead she laughs.

 

I can understand her looking at the rock, not seeing anything, then having a relieved laugh but the way you've wrote it did not seem natural.

 

Earlier in the story you mention her anxiety at losing her artistic touch, but you did this BEFORE you mentioned she was an artist!

 

You have to tell the reader what she is doing much earlier; this will also help with setting the scene. Try swapping paragraphs 3 and 4 and see how clearer the story becomes.

 

I would also consider moving the 'clouds of darkening menace' to near the end of the story, their arrival at the end of paragraph 1 is too early - they should be a 'hurry up' call to the artist but she doesn't seem anxious that her work may get soaked if it starts to rain, also their arrival implies menace which would be more dramatic if it coincided with the discovery of the body.

 

3. Identify & edit passive writing - 4 examples below.

 

1. "The gull seemed to be communicating with another. It squawked from its vantage point, "

 

> The gull squawked, replying to the distant cry of another bird.

 

2. "As the afternoon wore on so the painting began to splutter, choke and cling to its new life, finally being able to breathe with every quickening stroke Alice made."

 

Her quickening strokes grew swifter, more confident as she raced against the dying afternoon light, then the magic happened, the painting suddenly breathed! (Still a poor analogy?)

 

3. " With a sense of curiosity Alice stood back from what she had been working on to see for herself what had emerged."

 

> Alice stepped back, curious to see what had emerged…

 

4. She again laughed at herself but could not ascertain whether this was at her own foolishness or as a ploy to escape the mounting dread she felt growing within her heart.

 

> She laughed nervously, but was unsure whether it was at her foolishness or the rising fear within her pounding heart.

 

I'm not keen on these sentences:

 

But she didn’t ‘feel’ it. It didn’t ‘move’ her. She worried. She was supposed to be ‘moved’. What did it mean when it just didn’t happen? Where had her ‘feeling’ gone?

 

She cherished the times when it worked because she felt. She actually felt – she wasn’t sure what it was: satisfaction; pleasure?

 

Poorly punctuated, too many speech marks that aren’t needed (around 'feel') also ending a paragraph with multiple questions breaks up the flow of the story, this is just a personal bias, I've seen other writers do it. Haven't I? When? Why'd you ask? it's also annoying.

 

I agree with the previous posters about the dashes & the 'flanked on three sides' - I think the origin of this goes back to the cavalry, the sides of the horse are called flanks and you can be attacked from the left or right flank. Anywhere else is front & rear.

 

I look forward to seeing how this story develops, poor Alice appears to have some mental issues, her character needs building up if you are to emphasise her mental disintegration.

 

Apart from the couple of passive sentences I've already highlighted your choice of language & imagery is good, be more careful with your descriptions, it took two read-throughs before everything clicked into place, with a bit of editing this story could be a lot smoother and the facts could be presented in a more logical sequence so the reader absorbs the information in one pass.

[fanfa]

Oh my goodness......thank you so much for this....thought my story had been wiped!!Am about to read criticism now

 

Thanks again

[fanfa]

Thanks for those really helful points, Mantaspook. Will work on them

 

Interesting you thought the gull was perched on a corpse....I hadn't even thought of that!! In my mind's eye the gull is resting on a rock that is about 20 metres from the shoreline

[fanfa]

All the bits you have picked out are exactly the bits I wasn't happy with! Thought the passage with the inverted commas 'feel' et al was too cliched

 

I think because I know this story so well I needed fresh eyes show me the bits I had failed to explain adequately

 

Love the idea of the gull sitting on the corpse....there is indeed a corpse somewhere in the story

 

 

Thank you agin. Your time is much appreciated

[Mantaspook]

Because you've stated this is part of a longer story its not within my remit to speculate too much where you are going with this, however, if this was simply a short story here's what I would have done. Please feel free to incorporate any of these elements into your story if you think they will fit.

 

Alice sits down by the lake, racked with indecision about her painting ability.

 

She notices the seagull, apparently floating on a log, it is drifting towards her, yes! that is the final piece of the composition, something in the foreground to add interest, she works in a trance, frantically trying to capture the scene before the light fails.

 

The skies darken, she notices distractedly that the gull is pecking at the log but is to busy to take much notice. Gull number two appears overhead, swoops down to attack gull number one, there is a bit of low level aerial combat, Alice's easel is knocked over and the gulls crash into the box containing her paints.

 

It starts to rain; she takes down the easel, grabs her paint box & other belongings, shielding the painting under her umbrella she makes a run for her car.

 

Once she is settled in the car she relaxes, she knows the painting is good and that she hasn't lost her ability. She looks at the painting on the back seat and notices, with horror, that the gull was sitting on a submerged corpse.

 

She thinks she is losing her mind, (it could be implied this is not the first time this has happened.) She decides to correct the painting straight away, opening the paint box she finds a human eye staring at her!

 

Anyway, that's how I'd do it.

[coyleys]

Oh my goodness......thank you so much for this....thought my story had been wiped!!Am about to read criticism now

 

Thanks again

 

Beware the ellipsis, for they curse the narrative.

 

To clarify, when using an ellipsis, you only need three dots, like this … not five or six.

 

Nice to hear from you Mantas, and thanks for tidying-up my mess.

[Mantaspook]

thanks for tidying-up my mess.

 

You're welcome...........again. That's 11 dots

[Ron Blanco]

What impression hae you got of Alice? Want to se if 've managedto get across what I need to

 

I think she's quite intriguing. Her tendency to put everything in inverted commas could become annoying, but apart from that she seems to have some interesting frailties which I find reassuring, making her human not robotic.

 

I'm not sure what all this talk is of corpses. I didn't get that at all. There's a bit about a figure staring intently back at her, but do corpses stare intently? I wouldn't have thought so. Instead, I got the impression that the figure was not a corpse, but related to someone else who we don't know about yet. Maybe herself, but that's just a wild guess. Her mother would be my second guess, followed by her sister, daughter or lesbian lover (in that order).

 

And then there's the anxiety and panic. I like this aspect but wasn't sure what was causing it. I assumed this would come later - maybe when we find out more about her past.

 

Is she a professional artist? She seems to feel under pressure to produce works of art, to churn them out, as if her livelihood depends on it. Personally, I would feel short-changed if I paid for a painting that had been created in that way.

[fanfa]

Hi, Ron

 

I wasn't thinking of her seeing corpses either! I know what she has seen but not going to reveal that just yet! [but it's none of the people you listed]

 

She's an art lecturer - not really a jobbing artist. Surrounded by talented young things whi makes her increasingly unsure of her own abilities. This is partly the cause of her anxiety, it is partly caused by the figure she sees, partly by somthing else

 

Thank you very much for the feedback. I love tat different people see/find different things.

 

I shall refrain from the use of 'inverted commas' in future