Divorced/Separated Parents, access.

[Berberis]

I've answered several times that personal experience is irrevelant and in your case a problem to objectively discussing an issue. I don't have any personal experience of this issue, but I do have the ability to think about it and thus talk about it.

You could do with developing the ability to think beyond your own experience and consider other scenarios. Otherwise you are doomed to create pointless suggestions that work for only a minority of cases.

Fine, I don't care. If the best you can do is ignore someone because you don't like their point of view then I don't know why you bother to post on a debating forum.

 

No experience, so no relevance to this discussion. Yet another arm chair expert I see

[Cyclone]

You've no experience of dying, do you have an opinion on whether you'd like to experience it?

 

That's not a threat by the way, just an easy example that one doesn't need to try something to be able to think about it. I'm pretty sure I don't want to be hit by lightning and that it hurts, but I've never tried it. I'm fairly sure that being taken hostage for money should be illegal, but it's never happened to me.

 

You see how that works?

[Berberis]

You've no experience of dying, do you have an opinion on whether you'd like to experience it?

 

That's not a threat by the way, just an easy example that one doesn't need to try something to be able to think about it. I'm pretty sure I don't want to be hit by lightning and that it hurts, but I've never tried it. I'm fairly sure that being taken hostage for money should be illegal, but it's never happened to me.

 

You see how that works?

 

It doesn’t work as you're not comparing like for like.

 

You have not been through the emotional trauma of losing your child through no fault of your own, you have no experience of the complicity of the issue and you have no knowledge of the heartache suffered by those who have been unlucky enough to have a bitter ex, but you will make assumptions and tell people what they should think, feel, and how to act.

 

You are an armchair know it all, that’s plain to see by the number of threads you contribute too. You know nothing of the subject, so until you do, take your opinion somewhere it is wanted.

 

The reason we have such a problem in this country is people listen to ill informed, know nothing people like you instead of speaking to those who have the relevant experience.

[Gothic_Angel]

I'm not so sure the law is as out of date/unreasonable as some think. I think that it just reflects current society. The majority of the mundane/boring/day to day/whatever you want to call them tasks involved in bringing up the children are automatically given/left to the women in the majority of families. And most men are quite happy with that, until there's a split, and suddenly mothers and the courts are conspiring against them.

 

I'm not saying some parents don't act unreasonably/unfairly after a split. I've known quite a few parents who've split but the parents acting badly have been equally male/female and not just one or the other.

[tezza86]

My little girls father has only ever seen our daughter 3 times up until she was 3 months old she is now 16months and never even had so much as a birthday card or christmas card off him, never contributed financially not even so much as a packet of baby wipes, or nappies nothing whatsoever. of the 3 times he did see her it had to be arranged the other occasions we did arrange for him to see her he never turned up or made excuses up as he'd been on the lash all night and couldn't be bothered to come and see our daughter in the end and because of other reasoms which i cannot go into on here I had to see a solicitor who advised him to get a solicitor also to go to mediation and get an agreement amongst other things down on paper he couldn't evem be bothered to do that. so is that wrong? should i have just given in to him and let him mess our daughter about?

 

this thread has mostly been about giving mothers a hard time when not letting fathers see the kids and i know that women can be just as bad. but lets face it SOME men just want the sex and not to accept any responsibility for what can happen as a consequence to having sex, i could never just walk away from my baby never wanting to see her again, so fair enough women can be vindictive etc but so can men they can just walk away and live as though they haven't a care in the world. I would have loved my little girls father to be in her life but i thjink that time has now passed. Any bloke can become a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy. i did post earlier but it got slightly overshadowed.

and im also abit split on the law side of things if all fathers were given the same parental rights as mothers then in my case my daughters father could come in and out of her life as and when he chooses and in my eyes thats no way for a child to be happy they need consistency but then when a childs been brought up with both parents and theres a split unless theres a genuine reason for one or the other not been allowed to see the child/ren then i think both should have the same rights. but the law will either be one way or the other, either way its not gonna please everyone.

[DragonofAna]

As I said before tezza86 - I agree with you. Some men are complete and utter bar stewards. Absolutely disgusts me - their inability to take responsibility.

The idea is to have agreed contact that takes place at set times, and if the parent messes up with no reasonable excuse then that right of contact is lost.

Perfectly reasonable.

And all cases are different and should be treated on their own merits.

 

Like Gothic Angel I know some men who want nothing to do with their kids except the occasional cuddle. Nappy changing and feeding are left to the mother. But I also know a lot of men who do just about everything for their children - from nappy changes to having streams of puke all over their shoulders.

You take the good with the not so good if you are a parent.

 

This topic has been aimed mainly at females because it is mainly females who take the children when a relationship ends. Does not mean those females are guilty of anything at all - just the way things tend to work. Some fathers want contact with their children and some don't. But I would guess that many more mothers want contact with their children than fathers. Because of that all fathers seem to have to suffer.

[luybell]

This thread does seem to be unfairly jumping on women but there will always be a minority of both sexes who will use the children to punish the ex partner. I have female friends who rather than stopping the children seeing their father have bent over backwards to set up & maintain regular access.

 

It really makes me angry to see women villified en masse like this. I can see some people have had bad personal experiences but that does not mean everyone is the same. My eldest daughters father is a waste of space & has never seen her (his choice). I am aware however that not everyone is the same.

 

I would guess that for every woman out there who is making life difficult for her ex there is a bloke doing the same. I have one friend whose ex is refusing to see the kids (as he thinks she would be able to go out) but also claims she is an unfit mother & is threatening to go for residency??

 

If the parent who has residency of the children wants to stop access or make things awkward just to be spiteful then they can do this regardless if wether they are the motehr or father.

 

I do not know the statistics but would think that in a large proportion of familes the mother does the bulk of the childcare (not necessarily because they are better at it) which is probably why initially at least the children tend to stay with them.

[tezza86]

yeh i know what you're saying DragonofAna unfortunately my little ones dad wouldnt even get a solicitor to get agreed contact set up shows how much he cares. i agree with you that all fathers seem to have to suffer because of a minority and its unfair I have had many men saying they could never do what my little ones father has and that gives me hope in knowing not all men are like that. i think the fathers that have been there for their kids from day one and do everything a mother does in teh time they're able to spend with them should get equal rights as the mother.

My question would be how would this work as you couldn't give some fathers equal rights but not others so some people aren't going to be happy?

[Berberis]

No one is vilifying women here. No one has said ALL women do this but those with experiance can claim to know many people who have had similar problems. I know I do, in fact a friend of mine a few years back committed suicide over this very problem. The number of men who have ended their own lives through the actions of their ex partners taking away access to their children and using organisations such as the CSA to attack them is huge.

 

The fact is this country’s legal system sees men as the guilty party no matter what and women star from a position of full support by the state. I know this because I have experienced it personally and I still am experiencing this while I go though not only fighting my ex but also fighting the CSA.

 

Organisations like the CSA are sexist and will actively seek out men rather than women. A study was done a few years ago where non paying parents where tracked. If you where a man you where caught within about 6 months, for a women it was between 18-24 months IF they bothered at all.

 

Not all women are like this, and those here who have made it clear they are not I comment your maturity, but do not feel you have to defend yourself as no one has said all women are the same.

[whitewitch]

I think the law stinks and also the women that are using their children as a weapon against their ex's. I'm separated from my daughters dad after a very drunken abusive (towards me) relationship. But I have always encouraged my daughter to see her dad even though my daughter didn't want to (when younger). I do think its important for the children concerned to see the parents being civil towards each other, If ever I need to pull him up about anything I will send my daughter to fetch me something then have a quiet word in his ear.