Divorced/Separated Parents, access.

[Rupert_Baehr]

Dragon, Northrend and any others who find themselves in this predicament, you have my sincere sympathy.

 

I was divorced 30 years ago. Fortunately, we had no children and although the divorce itself was traumatic, we both got over it.

 

I have a child by my second marriage. He's an adult, my wife and I are still married (she's an amazingly tolerant woman ) and we both enjoy our child and our grandchildren.

 

Many males are criticised for failing to provide maintenance for their children. I can appreciate that.

 

When the female takes the child so far away from the male, should she not be prepared to accept that the male is likely to reduce the support?

 

Ideally, the father and the mother live together and bring up the children. We don't live in an ideal world and sometimes, the father and the mother do not live together. That in itself is likely to cause additional expense (it costs more to run two households than it does to run one.)

 

I accept that the father (who will usually not be the custodial parent) is likely to have to bear the greater part of the additional expense, but where the mother chooses to take the child(ren) a long way away from the father should she not be faced with responsibility for that part of the additional expense?

 

I suspect that there are few (if any) cases where the responsibility for a marital breakdown lies solely with one party.

 

In my own divorce (which my wife's lawyers - for some strange reason - decided should be held in open court in front of a fairly senior judge) that judge was very harsh towards my wife. - I was the 'wronged party' and the judge was blunt about it.

 

In retrospect, I wasn't quite as innocent as the judge said. - I could've done better.

[DragonofAna]

Thanks guys. I plan to be active a lot here. I signed up a few days ago so that I would have somewhere I could talk to people to help beat the lonelyness.

 

That's one of the difficult things - not letting yourself get depressed when the house is so quiet and you are alone. I've worked my way through countless hobbies. Currently learning chinese for some reason or other. Don't ask me why.

 

Don't be despondant. My first partner and I seperated and even now - 25 years later we still get on well, and our kids have enjoyed having two christmas's. She and I made sure the kids got to maintain all family contact. We had some rough times but we made it. So it can happen and it does happen.

[FallenAngel6]

Anything to help. Maybe we should set up our own free Families need fathers thingymabob.

 

Not a bad idea actually - IMO the more people who hear about the pain fathers are going through the better!

 

Thanks guys. I plan to be active a lot here. I signed up a few days ago so that I would have somewhere I could talk to people to help beat the lonelyness.

 

I would still be careful on here. some people are quick to jump to judgements but then you can make friends, i have

[Berberis]

Thats not exactly true. As of about 2006 the law was changed. If the mother and father go to register the child or the father's name is on the birth certificate, even if the couple are not married then the father gets responsibility and the same rights as a married man.

 

But still the father has no rights - whether the couple are married or not.

 

I knew the law changed but I was not sure how that affected unmarried fathers.

 

I assume this has made very little difference anyway as women can register the birth and receive the birth certificate without the fathers input. This is what happened to me, me and my ex had argued over our sons last name. One day she just went out while I was at work and registered him in her name. There was nothing I could do about it.

[one snowball]

my parents split wen i was younger as my dad cheated but this was never held against him wen it came to us

my mum almost had to force us onto him for him to see us and its still happening to this day with my youngest brother which brakes my heart as he looks up to this arse hole

i no longer talk to my dad at all and he knows nothing about my 2 children but i like it this way

but i most say all my life i longed to have a loving father one that really cared and still do to this day

for that reason alone i think both parent are needed for a child to develop correctly and both parent should be given the same chances with there children but the minute they mess up be it on there head

where a child is old enough they should be given the option to voice there opinion although the majority of the decision should be the parents responsibility to sort out

if your mature enough to make a child you should be mature enough to turn a bad situation good

i would never in my wildest dreams stop my children from seeing there dad if we were to split unless i thought they were in real danger and to all you women out there that use your kids as a weapon to hurt there dad you make me sick cos the long term the damage will be with your child

[DragonofAna]

I knew the law changed but I was not sure how that affected unmarried fathers.

 

I assume this has made very little difference anyway as women can register the birth and receive the birth certificate without the fathers input. This is what happened to me, me and my ex had argued over our sons last name. One day she just went out while I was at work and registered him in her name. There was nothing I could do about it.

 

Unfortunately in these cases there is little else you can do other than go to court and hope the judge will award you responsibility. I suppose it's partly because anyone could say they are father of a child if the father's name is not on the birth certificate.

Your surname does not have to be the same as the childs though - as long as you are named on the birth certificate as the father. I believe this also is enough to give you responsibility.

 

For fathers who have children after 2003 who are not married but who's name appears on the birth certificate responsibility is automatic.

 

In England and Wales, if the parents of a child are married to each other at the time of the birth, or if they have jointly adopted a child, then they both have parental responsibility. Parents do not lose parental responsibility if they divorce, and this applies to both the resident and the non-resident parent.

 

This is not automatically the case for unmarried parents. According to current law, a mother always has parental responsibility for her child. A father, however, has this responsibility only if he is married to the mother when the child is born or has acquired legal responsibility for his child through one of these three routes:

 

* (from 1 December 2003) by jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother

* by a parental responsibility agreement with the mother

* by a parental responsibility order, made by a court

 

Living with the mother, even for a long time, does not give a father parental responsibility and if the parents are not married, parental responsibility does not always pass to the natural father if the mother dies.

[DragonofAna]

I posted that before I had finished. The grey area is the part I have bolded out as there is some question of whether this requires the actual presence of the father during the registration or simply registering the baby in the father's name.

 

And for any who think this is aimed at making females look bad - it isn't. There are sometimes very good reasons why a mother moves away or may wish for there to be no contact - such as abuse.

I can fully understand why a female who has moved away from her home to another city to be with her partner returns to her home town if the relationship fails. But the point is that by preventing contact the children are missing out on fathers and their families. This can greatly impact on the child in later years.

 

Every case is different. Couples can split amicably and then things turn bad - either because one or the other has found a new partner or because one or the other is having further problems caused directly or indirectly through the breakdown in the relationship, but parents should remember that this is supposed to be about the welfare and well being of the child(ren) and any personal problems between the adults should not involve those children.

[Dottys]

I wanted to name the father of my baby on the birth certificate, however as dragonofana points out there are strict laws here. My partner left before our baby was born, since we were not married I was not allowed to name him, I tried contacting him to get the responsibility agreement signed, I further requested he attend with me, but he wouldn't. Eventually I saw a solicitor with a view to going for an order of the court, I spent over £500 but the letters just got returned stating ... "no longer at this address". Unless I can get an address for the absent father I have no chance of making him accept any responsibility for his child/ or getting his name added to the birth certificate. I was told by the register office that ... "unmarried mothers could lie if they were given the power to legally name the father on the birth certificate", I felt degraded by the experience, and very sad for my child re having a blank on the father section of the birth certificate. I was shocked to find that in this day and age we continue to attach such stigma to unmarried mothers, and the baby's who's fathers refuse to take responsibility.

The CSA are abrupt and unhelpful, I feel like a criminal.

 

I feel really sorry for those dads whom are prevented from taking part in their children's lives, mainly by vindictive ex partners. I would have loved for my child to have had contact with his father, and believe he is very much deprived as a consequence of only having one parent. As long as there are no risk issues dads should get shared custody.

[CottonTop]

This is interesting.....over here, if I have children and I go after their father for child support, if he denies they are his, he can receive a court order to be tested for paternity. So even if he didn't want to take responsibility, the state would hunt him down and find out for sure. As a side note, there is a public channel here that shows pictures of "dead beat parents" who owe child support. It lists how much they owe as well, if I'm not mistaken. It allows members of the public to phone in if they know the where abouts of these people who shirk responsibility to provide monetary care for their children.

[GothicCharm]

Thanks everyone for your input on this thread. I didn't realise fathers didn't have any real rights to their children which makes me sick when it comes to those who just don't care.

 

Sounds like britain could use taking on the laws of the usa when it comes to divorce/separation involving children.