At what age can you explain death to a child without freaking them out?

[danot]

Oh spoil all the childish things why don't you? No Father Christmas, no Tooth Fairy, no Easter Bunny .... you miserable git!

 

I bet all the "hit them with it straight" are men .... just a feeling I have

It's not our fault you women are better at lying.

[rubydazzler]

It's not our fault you women are better at lying.

meh! Don't let's go there .... how can you tell when a man's lying to you ... his lips are moving. Fair?

 

I've just taken a straw poll and the concensus is that being told that pappa had a new job looking after that big shiny star they could see every night , was far better than being told he was going to be burnt up and scattered to the four winds. I believe them. No-one died in my family until I was 11 by which time I knew what it meant and could cope with it. At three, it's not quite so clear cut.

 

But you do what you think is best, and when they're having nightmares and traumatised for life, don't come crying to me!

[leviathan13]

meh! Don't let's go there .... how can you tell when a man's lying to you ... his lips are moving. Fair?

 

I've just taken a straw poll and the concensus is that being told that pappa had a new job looking after that big shiny star they could see every night , was far better than being told he was going to be burnt up and scattered to the four winds. I believe them. No-one died in my family until I was 11 by which time I knew what it meant and could cope with it. At three, it's not quite so clear cut.

 

But you do what you think is best, and when they're having nightmares and traumatised for life, don't come crying to me!

 

Who did you ask in the poll though? If it's adults then it's a pointless poll, as it's an adult's mind you're picking, not a child's.

[rubydazzler]

Who did you ask in the poll though? If it's adults then it's a pointless poll, as it's an adult's mind you're picking, not a child's.

What? My kids of course. As I was discussing what I'd said, who else would I be asking ....

 

You have to actually wait for someone to grow up to see whether or not the manner of breaking the news was traumatic for them or not. Yes? What were you told as a child when someone close to you died? Or have you been fortunate and all your rellies are still extant?

[SHsheff]

What? My kids of course. As I was discussing what I'd said, who else would I be asking ....

 

You have to actually wait for someone to grow up to see whether or not the manner of breaking the news was traumatic for them or not. Yes? What were you told as a child when someone close to you died? Or have you been fortunate and all your rellies are still extant?

 

Exactly. My memory of being told that my great-grandma had died (at the age of 96) was that she'd died. There was no question of an afterlife, merely that she'd gone. Who knows if - or if not - that coloured my beliefs now? However, it was told to me truthfully by the adult who broke the news, and I've never had cause to question the statement. Never even thought of it, til now!

[Swan_Vesta]

I'd have to explain death in diluted terms, "Daddy's body stopped working and now he's gone". Obviously I'd not go in to horrific detail, that'd screw them right up - But I'd not sugar coat it.

 

We're quick to introduce our kids to the begining of life, ie "You're going to have a baby brother or sister" but are slow to show them the flip side. I know there's an element of protection but I can't see what that actually achieves in the long run.

[rubydazzler]

I'd have to explain death in diluted terms, "Daddy's body stopped working and now he's gone". Obviously I'd not go in to horrific detail, that'd screw them right up - But I'd not sugar coat it.

Gone? Gone where? Would be the next logical question. That's where the star polishing comes in useful for those of us who can't face up to the sordid realities of life.

 

Maybe I was wrong to sugar coat the pill but luckily, I'm never going to have to do it again. All our oldies have passed away now. It'll be me next, and someone else's job to pass on the sad news.

 

ETA: I didn't realise we were talking about older children. I just assumed that TeafanJnr was a small child, under 5 years old.

[whitehorses]

Kids set their own pace, so if the subject of death comes up, try and answer honestly but not too graphically.If they set more difficult questions, then they will be ready for the proper answers.

[Rupert_Baehr]

I was an altar boy when I was a kid.

 

Upside: Went to a load of wedding receptions.

 

Downside: Went to a load of funerals.

 

By the time I was 11, I'd helped bury about 40 or 50 people, including my great grandmother, a handful of great aunts and uncles, and a handful of 'cousins'. I'd also had a friend of mine (same age as me) die from Leukaemia - I found that difficult to understand, but I had to accept it.

 

Kids can do that. They're remarkably tough.

 

When I was 20, my grandfather (who had brought me up; he'd effectively been my father) died. I was upset, the whole family was upset.

 

My little brother (aged 7) couldn't understand it. "If Pop [grandfather] was sick and if he was in pain and if he's now in heaven and if he's no longer in pain, why are you all crying? Don't you want him not to be in pain any more? Don't you want him to be happy?

 

Children can usually cope with death remarkably well. Often better than adults do.

[Fivetide]

get them a couple of gerbils when they're five, by the time they're ten they'll know the basics.

 

circumstances are aaaall individual tho. generalising's a general thing..