At what age can you explain death to a child without freaking them out?

[Swan_Vesta]

Gone? Gone where? Would be the next logical question. That's where the star polishing comes in useful for those of us who can't face up to the sordid realities of life.

 

That's where my problem will start. Do I lead with placations such as life after death or to mine own self be true and say that the being you knew as your Father is dead, his body remains but the essence which made him the man you loved is no more because when the body dies so does 'he'?

 

My view is that it's what you see as right at the time ...... Just hope I don't have to do it for a very long time

[danot]

meh! Don't let's go there .... how can you tell when a man's lying to you ... his lips are moving. Fair?

 

I've just taken a straw poll and the concensus is that being told that pappa had a new job looking after that big shiny star they could see every night , was far better than being told he was going to be burnt up and scattered to the four winds. I believe them. No-one died in my family until I was 11 by which time I knew what it meant and could cope with it. At three, it's not quite so clear cut.

 

But you do what you think is best, and when they're having nightmares and traumatised for life, don't come crying to me!

What makes you think any of my kids would be traumatized by what I tell them?.. you're not aware of what my opinion is yet.

[CottonTop]

TeaFan never mentioned in his original post how old TeaFan Jr is. That would be relevant to how one might answer the question. However, here is what I can share from personal experience. I was 9 years old the first time I experienced a death I can remember. Others seemed to think I wouldn't understand the finality of death, but I most certainly did. Now my oldest lost her Nonnie (my mother) a few months after her 4th birthday. I explained that her Nonnie had died and gone to heaven to live with the angels because that was my belief at the time. She accepted that we all die at some point but seems not to be worried about when that might happen to her father or to me. My youngest is 4 1/2 now and asks a lot about what being dead is but I leave out the heaven stuff. I've told her it is like the person goes to sleep and never wakes up.

[TeaFan]

TeaFan never mentioned in his original post how old TeaFan Jr is. That would be relevant to how one might answer the question. However, here is what I can share from personal experience. I was 9 years old the first time I experienced a death I can remember. Others seemed to think I wouldn't understand the finality of death, but I most certainly did. Now my oldest lost her Nonnie (my mother) a few months after her 4th birthday. I explained that her Nonnie had died and gone to heaven to live with the angels because that was my belief at the time. She accepted that we all die at some point but seems not to be worried about when that might happen to her father or to me. My youngest is 4 1/2 now and asks a lot about what being dead is but I leave out the heaven stuff. I've told her it is like the person goes to sleep and never wakes up.

 

The little 'un is 2. I guess I was more interested in the more abstract idea of death than the more concrete notion of a close relative dying. I suppose what I'm worried about is that a kid that age, learning that people stop living, might then get over-anxious that their parents might die, or that they might (although that seems less likely), unless they're old enough to understand that it's unlikely their parents will die for a long time to come.

[Rupert_Baehr]

Two is a bit young. At that age, I suggest you might want to consider talking about 'people going away' 'not being around for a while' and other vagaries.

 

At that age, kids forget people (fairly) easily. Death is not something a 2-year old can understand, so some form of euphemism should work just fine.

[TeaFan]

Two is a bit young. At that age, I suggest you might want to consider talking about 'people going away' 'not being around for a while' and other vagaries.

 

At that age, kids forget people (fairly) easily. Death is not something a 2-year old can understand, so some form of euphemism should work just fine.

 

I'm not imagining it coming up yet, probably in about a year's time. I like to think ahead!

[Draggletail]

......To answer the question, I just used to say that they were put there so that people wouldn't be forgotten by their relatives, whilst they were living in the sky taking care of the stars

Our young 'un got quite concerned about death at around the age of three (ish) after he saw photos of his Granma and asked about her, I told him she had died, and had gone up into the sky with the blue clouds, the sunshine and the birdies.

 

He seemed happy with it at the time, but quite often needed verification of this.

 

He once more recently commented that when someone died, they would have to get on an aireoplane to get up there, and when we discovered a new verse to one of the Michael Finnegan Rhymes the other day

There was an old man named Michael Finnegan

He grew fat and then grew thin again

Then he died and had to begin again

Poor old Michael Finnegan....Begin again

instantly said "That's how it is Daddy isn't it, when you die you begin again?" Now I don't know where he's got that from, but I love the Idea

[chantellecs]

last year, my nan and aunt died within days of each other and i had to tell my son, who was 4 at the time.

i simply told him that they had been poorly and gone to heaven to be with the angels, he never questioned this, just asked for things he remebered to be on there house.

when he speaks about them, he knows they are no longer with us and he dont expect them to come back as they have "gone away" for a while.

 

i think how each child accepts death is different and you need to tell them in a way in which you feel comfortable.

[Bozo]

I'm not imagining it coming up yet, probably in about a year's time. I like to think ahead!

 

All kids are different, they ask different questions at different times and settle for different answers. Young Bozo asked from about 3 onwards and still asks at 4. I think it was provoked by all the media attention around Michael Jackson, as well as asking about some relatives we talked about that he never got to meet. As he had already picked up on the whole heaven thing I just resorted to telling him that nobody really knew what happened, some thought there was a special place but whatever it was I was certain it was somewhere safe from any harm. But we've also had "will you die?" and "will I die?". You just have to try to find answers that don't make them worry too much but are honest, that you can live with and don't entail on a whole lot of back trekking later on.

 

I was going to go with the Socrates "dreamless sleep" notion, but worried it would scare him about falling asleep.

[rubydazzler]

On a lighter note - Draggletail, I've just spotted your siggie. That's so funny! Loving the workings of the mind of a little child