Men and Abortion.

[Frank Sidney]

Hello,

 

Have any men been through the same as me?

 

My partner had an abortion which I didn't want her to have. Of course it destroyed the relationship. She's now moved out.

 

I don't really want any more kids, I'm too old and initially agreed to the termination. My former partner always said she didn't want kids, although she's only 29.

 

After it had sunk in what I'd agreed to my heart sank. It was all I thought about, it consumed me. I thought it was my duty (I know that's silly) to try and save the baby. I became desperate and offered to give up work and look after the child. She said no. I asked her if she would have it, give it to me and leave. She said no.

 

I felt excluded from the process as my partner, her mother and friend seemed to ignore me. I felt lonely and isolated. I was even excluded from the hospital.

 

I never ranted and argued for her to change her mind, we never really discussed it in great length. There was nothing to discuss.

 

When my partner, her mother and step father turned up on the door step after returning from the hospital, I felt physically sick.

 

Its all over now and I feel better, but feel the whole process caused me damage I will never fully recover from.

 

Thanks

[Frank Sidney]

I feel better for that, dunno why.

[rubydazzler]

Be more careful next time. Have a vasectomy. It's the only way other than abstinence if you really don't want any more children. I'm glad you feel better now.

[sTaGeWaLkEr]

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out as you'd hoped Frank.

 

x

[medusa]

I'm so sad to hear that this has happened and you feel so damaged by it. It's such a difficult situation when one partner wants the baby and the other doesn't and I'm afraid there is just no solution to the impasse, bearing in mind how many changes and stress she would have to go through if she went through with the pregnancy.

 

I know that I could never have gone through with a termination (apart from under the 'you both die or you terminate and you get to live' scenario) but I will defend to the last a woman's right to choose. If the relationship has broken down as a result of this then how would it have been if she had given in to you and then lost the baby and had to deal with the pain of coping with a stillbirth? You can never predict the future in such a way and statistically losing a baby (by whatever means) is one of the most common causes of break up.

 

Could I suggest you talk to your GP and ask for some counselling or talk to CRUSE in order to help yourself through this as a whole human being? It's a crappy situation and you have my most heartfelt sympathy in facing this, but do face it and deal with your feelings and you may find yourself not feeling so broken at some point in the future. Good luck.

[Garbage]

You`re obviously down about it. Seek proper help, not pour your heart out on here in fantasy land.

 

Hope it works out.

[Bonny]

Well as you said in the first part of your message, you don't want kids, you agreed to the abortion... but then changed your mind?

 

It's irresponsible for two intelligent, consenting adults to have sex without adequate contraception. It would be even more irresponsible to bring a child into the world that wasn't wanted.

 

I'm sorry you feel you've suffered through this sad situation, but as someone has already suggested - maybe a vasectomy will prevent the same situation arrising again in the future? You can't change the past so you're going to have to find a way of living with it and then look forward to enjoying the future, hope you manage to do so.

[Frank Sidney]

mods please close - thanks

[plekhanov]

Hello,

 

Have any men been through the same as me?

 

My partner had an abortion which I didn't want her to have. Of course it destroyed the relationship. She's now moved out.

 

I don't really want any more kids, I'm too old and initially agreed to the termination. My former partner always said she didn't want kids, although she's only 29.

 

After it had sunk in what I'd agreed to my heart sank. It was all I thought about, it consumed me. I thought it was my duty (I know that's silly) to try and save the baby. I became desperate and offered to give up work and look after the child. She said no. I asked her if she would have it, give it to me and leave. She said no.

 

I felt excluded from the process as my partner, her mother and friend seemed to ignore me. I felt lonely and isolated. I was even excluded from the hospital.

 

I never ranted and argued for her to change her mind, we never really discussed it in great length. There was nothing to discuss.

 

When my partner, her mother and step father turned up on the door step after returning from the hospital, I felt physically sick.

 

Its all over now and I feel better, but feel the whole process caused me damage I will never fully recover from.

 

Thanks

I don't think it's silly to regard it as your duty to do everything you can for any potential offspring of yours just the opposite it's how all people should act. However this is an unfortunate binary situation where there can be no compromise and where thanks to biology only one of the potential parents has a choice.

 

With that in mind how could you realistically not be "excluded from the process" once you had asked her to subject herself to a pregnancy she didn't want and she refused? As with many other situations determined by our biology it doesn't seem fair because it isn't and unfortunately we have to try and deal with the lack of fairness and the hearbreak it can cause as best we can.

[mj.scuba]

I feel better for that, dunno why.

 

Well done for getting it off your chest matey, sounds like you needed to.