Men and Abortion.

[KTHFB]

Closed at OP's request

 

Now re-opened at OP's request.

[Frank Sidney]

Well as you said in the first part of your message, you don't want kids, you agreed to the abortion... but then changed your mind?

 

It's irresponsible for two intelligent, consenting adults to have sex without adequate contraception. It would be even more irresponsible to bring a child into the world that wasn't wanted.

 

I'm sorry you feel you've suffered through this sad situation, but as someone has already suggested - maybe a vasectomy will prevent the same situation arrising again in the future? You can't change the past so you're going to have to find a way of living with it and then look forward to enjoying the future, hope you manage to do so.

 

Thanks for your good wishes.

 

Also thanks to the SF for re-opening the thread at my request.

 

I don't really think that suggesting a vasectomy is the answer I was looking for! The thread is how a man copes with an abortion he didn't agree to. The baby was not planned but mistakes happen. I wouldn't expect an innocent child to pay such a heavy price for our stupidity.

 

Therefore, surely only a man who has been through the same can offer guidance? Although, alnyone can comment, of course.

 

As I said I didn't want any more children, perhaps this should have been planned more children, but this doeasn't mean I would terminate ones life that happened by mistake. The female stated she definately didn't want children but neither you or Cloudybay suggest she should have taken the drastic steps you prescribe for me!

 

No doubt there are many people who are trying desperately to have children. Many more trying to adopt. I would have prefered the latter to a termination. It all seems so clinical, and heartless.

[Aries22]

It's sad that your partner had the abortion, think how lucky you were to escape from her, pity it was an unborn child had to be the victim.

[Frank Sidney]

It's sad that your partner had the abortion, think how lucky you were to escape from her, pity it was an unborn child had to be the victim.

 

I feel so now, although I feel no malice towards her personally.

[rubydazzler]

The female stated she definately didn't want children but neither you or Cloudybay suggest she should have taken the drastic steps you prescribe for me!

I can't see anything from Cloudybay, perhaps you mean me? I'm not sure of your point tbh, either in making this comment or in re-opening the thread You stated you didn't want anymore children, yes? The only way to be sure of that is to be sterilised and as you said you're not a young man, it seems the best way to ensure that you don't. Or at least take some precautions when having sexual intercourse.

 

I wasn't commenting on 'the female' I was commenting on 'the male', ie you. Had 'the female' been the one posting and making similar statements you made, my advice would have been the same.

 

You're obviously feeling low about it to be looking for the comfort of strangers. Maybe you should consider having some counselling to help you to come to terms with what's happened?

[Rivelin6]

I think it's very harsh of people to tell the OP off for something that can't be changed now when all he wants is some empathy for the situation he finds himself in. It's like telling a teenager they shouldn't have had sex if they don't want to be pregnant or someone who smokes that's the reason their baby died of a cot death.People grieving for babies already have enough guilt without telling them what they did wrong. I think Medusa's words are very wise and you need to acknowledge your pain not push it down because it will come back to haunt you later and then it will be harder to deal with. Sorry you had to go through this.

[Frank Sidney]

I can't see anything from Cloudybay, perhaps you mean me? I'm not sure of your point tbh, either in making this comment or in re-opening the thread You stated you didn't want anymore children, yes? The only way to be sure of that is to be sterilised and as you said you're not a young man, it seems the best way to ensure that you don't. Or at least take some precautions when having sexual intercourse.

 

I wasn't commenting on 'the female' I was commenting on 'the male', ie you. Had 'the female' been the one posting and making similar statements you made, my advice would have been the same.

 

You're obviously feeling low about it to be looking for the comfort of strangers. Maybe you should consider having some counselling to help you to come to terms with what's happened?

 

Oops sorry Cloudybay! I don't feel bad anymore that's why I asked for it to be reopened because I can discuss it without distress. I certainly dont want counselling. Thats the last thing I need.

 

Its a fair topic for discussion, dont you think? I dont know why you dont want to discuss it, if you dont then dont. The thread is aimed at men really, for their views. Its hard for women to comment on how abortion affects men, well, because theyre not men!

 

Another reason why I asked for it to be reopened is because after it was closed numerous people sent me pm's I thought by reopening it they could have a say.

 

My main point is that if a unwanted pregnancy occures and the man says he wants the baby, why doesnt he have more rights. When men dont want the baby they stillhave to pay maintenance.

[plekhanov]

The female stated she definately didn't want children but neither you or Cloudybay suggest she should have taken the drastic steps you prescribe for me!

But it's not as essential for women to do so because as it's women who get pregnant they have a choice about what happens next if an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy occurs.

 

Men don't so there's a greater onus upon us to take precautions to avoid ourselves being rendered utterly powerless and deeply upset.

 

My main point is that if a unwanted pregnancy occures and the man says he wants the baby, why doesnt he have more rights. When men dont want the baby they stillhave to pay maintenance.

What rights could a man possibly have in such a situation?

 

The only "right" men could have which would make any real difference would be the ability to override the choice of the woman who is actually pregnant and somehow force her to go through with the pregnancy against her will.

 

Are you seriously arguing that men should have the right to forcibly seize control of women's bodies like that? If not what rights to you think men should have that would change the situation?

[Treatment]

I feel better for that, dunno why.

 

Better out than in my friend.

[Darth Vader]

I think some of your feelings are that you haven't really received closure, as you never got to say hello, never mind goodbye, to your child. No funeral, no marking of the end of a life, albeit prematurely. I realise it's nowhere near developed and not capable of living at that stage, etc but it doesn't mean that it doesn't tear you apart.

 

It's also about the feelings of powerlessness. After all, you had a 50% hand in this, so why don't you get a say? I can understand the frustration and devastation this must cause but I still feel that the law is correct, and, as the pregnancy "happens" to the woman, it has to be her choice.

 

As you say, there is no turning the clock back, and you have been hurt enough, without torturing yourself with thoughts that will only serve to hurt you further.

 

By offering to support the child on your own, you did all you possibly could. Don't punish yourself. Why not write a goodbye letter to your child, and, or, create a little spot in your garden to remember? It might help to at least get some of the feeling of power or ownership of the situation back by choosing your own personal goodbye?