Kaimani Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 toying with the idea of repetion to emphasize a point. what do you all think? ========================================================= A n eleven year old Anna lying in the foetus position praying ‘god not tonight i don’t like uncle Jonny’s special love poem A god sleeping or just plain indifferent again tonight so Jonny gives her his secret love poem A knife under her pillow the next night she’s tired of praying and bleeding poem A scream in the dark as steel hits lung, spleen and heart again and again and again till Jonny stops poem A sad song, ashes to ashes dust to dust priest says Jonny was a good man may he rest in peace poem A next day mother looks her own child in the eye ‘I love you you know that but your father can’t stand the shame poem. A hundred bucks, tears and hugs bus to anywhere but here I’ll write to you when things settle down my child poem. A twelve year old, pregnant and on the street because uncle Jonny was a good man poem A free clinic free test I’m sorry Anna but the results are not so good poem. A dark night of the soul can’t work tonight can’t work ever she lays in her rented room poem A six months gone soon the baby will come and will need to eat poem A night on the streets violence and rage they bring but better a broken neck than a broken heart poem. A pneumonic fit no free meds the virus spreads poem. A lucky night regular wants to take care of her so Anna packs up and moves in poem A child will need a father, better one who drink, cheats and punches than none at all poem. An eight month test results sent to the house the man opens the letter poem. A you bitch you killed you gave me aids I’ll kill you poem. A please don’t you’ll hurt the baby, please don’t please don’t poem. A kick in the stomach, punch to the head brilliant light before she passes out poem A three days later I’m sorry Anna the baby didn’t make it poem A twelve year old rope around her neck not praying before she jumps poem. An unmarked grave, another statistic dust to dust, ashes to ashes, no sad songs no Anna was a good girl poem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amaranthus Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 I started to cry when I got to the please don't please don't, and it just got worse from there. You really have a talent for evoking an emotional response. I guess the repetition angle worked quite well because you've left me very very sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted May 14, 2010 Author Share Posted May 14, 2010 thanks shaz. still working on it. it's a performance piece that why i thought the repetion might work. but i think the 'poem' bit comes in too often. will try to remedy that. going for a sadness and anger result. want the reader, or listener to be sad about things that happen and then angry that they do happen. we'll see. will post the revised version in a couple of days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tallyman Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 That's a very strong piece Kaimani, very emotional. I understand it's in a very rough state, but a diamond nonetheless. I wonder if you are going to do some more work on the rhythm of the lines next, getting it just that little bit more fluent? A also wonder about the benefit of enclosing the title in quotes, as in: An "Eleven year old Anna lying in the foetus position praying ‘god not tonight i don’t like uncle Jonny’s special love'" poem A "God sleeping or just plain indifferent again tonight so Jonny gives her his secret love" poem I know it's a performance piece, but when it appears in writing it might help the reader anticipate how you'd perform it. Just a thought Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 Hi Kaimani, I think it works. The story seems over the top, but I suppose these things happen. I think the repetition of the word poem is fine. I wonder if it should start and end with short lines, in order to lead us in more smoothly e.g. This is a poem A cannot be true poem A fingers in ears shouting la la la poem A n eleven year old ..... Just a thought. Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amaranthus Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 That's a very strong piece Kaimani, very emotional. I understand it's in a very rough state, but a diamond nonetheless. I wonder if you are going to do some more work on the rhythm of the lines next, getting it just that little bit more fluent? A also wonder about the benefit of enclosing the title in quotes, as in: An "Eleven year old Anna lying in the foetus position praying ‘god not tonight i don’t like uncle Jonny’s special love'" poem A "God sleeping or just plain indifferent again tonight so Jonny gives her his secret love" poem I know it's a performance piece, but when it appears in writing it might help the reader anticipate how you'd perform it. Just a thought I agree 100% with this, it makes it flow much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted November 23, 2010 Author Share Posted November 23, 2010 got the feedback that the original style was, among other things, 'annoying' so i changed it to: Anna Every night, in the foetus position, she prays the dark protects her. Every night, with the dark watching, Uncle Johnny gives her his secret love. Every night, as she bleeds, he tells her she is his special little girl. Then one night there is no prayer in the dark, just a knife under her pillow. That night Steel hits lung, spleen and heart again and again and again That night, in the dark, Anna doesn’t scream. She doesn’t bleed. That night Uncle Johnny screams. He bleeds. Uncle Jonny stops. The priest is quick to say, ‘may he rest in peace, Jonny was a good man’. Sad songs, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. A mother gives her child a hundred bucks. ‘Your father can’t stand the shame’. She will write when the storm settles. Then the last tear, last hug, the last lie. With Uncle Jonny still a good man Anna gets a bus to anywhere. Two months. Mother doesn’t write. The storm must still be raging. A pregnant twelve year old trades her cervix for bread. Then a pneumonic fit, a free clinic, free test, same night back on the street. A regular won’t pay. Anna keeps a knife in her purse. She doesn’t know how long she’s passed out. Can’t even remember the kicks to the stomach and punches to the head. But After a broken heart broken bones and skin are respite. But she knows something is not right. Two more customers, dawn breaks And she heads to the free clinic. ‘I’m sorry Anna the baby didn’t make it. And the HIV is spreading too fast...”’ That night she doesn’t pray when she ties the rope around her neck... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidinsheff Posted November 27, 2010 Share Posted November 27, 2010 No No No! Your original piece was tons better. I loved the rawness of it. I was a little confused at first but then the words grabbed me and I understood what was going on and dreaded where it was going. I felt like the eleven year old - helpless and on a roundabout that she couldn't stop or get off. I could hear the child in the first rough draft. In the redone version you seem to be outside looking in and it's an adults voice speaking. My daughter is an actor/singer/dancer and I could just envisage your first draft being performed on stage by a group of young people - it was excellent - please don't spoil it by trying to follow some rigid rules re how a poem should be set out - the beauty of poetry for me is that anything goes and its how the poem affects the reader that is most important not how it is set out or whether or not it rhymes properly loved it - a REAL diamond! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 No No No! Your original piece was tons better. I loved the rawness of it. I was a little confused at first but then the words grabbed me and I understood what was going on and dreaded where it was going. I felt like the eleven year old - helpless and on a roundabout that she couldn't stop or get off. I could hear the child in the first rough draft. In the redone version you seem to be outside looking in and it's an adults voice speaking. My daughter is an actor/singer/dancer and I could just envisage your first draft being performed on stage by a group of young people - it was excellent - please don't spoil it by trying to follow some rigid rules re how a poem should be set out - the beauty of poetry for me is that anything goes and its how the poem affects the reader that is most important not how it is set out or whether or not it rhymes properly loved it - a REAL diamond! thanks sheff. i agree with you for the most part. i've started my degree in creative writing at Hallam and have been emersed in 'feet' 'metre' pentametres, etc and so am trying to use those. i do feel that i'm loosing some of the edge in trying to stay within the straight jacket that is poetry rules. but, again, houdini could only escape the jacket coz he knew how it worked. i suppose once i know the rules i acn bend them to return to what form i feel is best. wish me luck. as for the perfomance thing. that would be interesting. would you do me the honour of showing it to your daughter and see if she has any ideas. it would be good for woman's day i guess or something like that. thanks for the feed back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidinsheff Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 Hi Kaimani I showed your poem to my daughter and, like me, she loved it and really felt for Anna. She is going to take it to college with her and show it to her year tutor if that is ok with you. She says all the productions for this year are already set but that it could be something they would consider for next academic year. Are you happy for her to take it to college? MiS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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