Allo1010 Posted December 6, 2010 Share Posted December 6, 2010 I agree with everyone else, if you use Quote marks e.g. A "words and stuff" poem it would probably flow a lot nicer. The first poem was definitely better, i think the second seemed a bit rushed and incomplete. While the first is just... Fantastic, it really drove to my heart and I really felt for the character, Which i don't do often =P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted December 18, 2010 Author Share Posted December 18, 2010 Hi Kaimani I showed your poem to my daughter and, like me, she loved it and really felt for Anna. She is going to take it to college with her and show it to her year tutor if that is ok with you. She says all the productions for this year are already set but that it could be something they would consider for next academic year. Are you happy for her to take it to college? MiS yeah yeah. that's fine. no problem at all. not a great poet so i don't the pieces are ever going to go far which is why if anyone thinks they can do something with the work i'm more than happy for them to even have copyright. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Kaimani ... hi! Love you first draft! The way you have 'poem' on every line shows a sense of anger which isn't normally assosciated with the word 'poem' - I think it's clever! I'm not very good at writing so I'll give you an analogy; I bought a Harley Davidson V-Rod in 2002. It was a brand new model and very raw in its design ... It was beautiful! However Harley Davidson decided to 'improve' it in later models.This totally wrecked the original concept. Instead of being a sleek chrome and aluminium machine it was painted and mucked about with to the point of becoming a parody and just another motorbike. I think that sometimes the initial concept works much better than a refined version. Your revised version has lost the edge in my opinion and I'd stick to the original. You seem a gifted writer (the reason why I'm replying) ... wish I could come up with ideas like that! Good luck; alco Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 thanks for the support, guys. will keep at it. but, yeah, it's unanimous, the first draft is better. thanks. and keep writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spooky3 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I too prefer the first version, maybe someone would suggest it for a NSPCC advert... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LFT1 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Interesting Piece. Lots of emotion. I often feel the initial emotion of a piece can outshine the polished pentameter. Best not to lose the emotional impact. Just my opinion. This poem is strong stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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