Paedophiles in the family

[medusa]

Can we stop this one right there please?

 

It's against forum rules to start insulting other users so my advice is this: think what you want to think but if you post it on the forum then expect to get a ban for it.

[Tradescanthia]

A bit of taking the mick never hurt anyone, lighten up, have the odd dig. Life is too serious as it is. If you are not thick skinned [or headed] dont use forums.

[Alien]

A bit of taking the mick never hurt anyone, lighten up, have the odd dig. Life is too serious as it is. If you are not thick skinned [or headed] dont use forums.

 

 

Then I suggest you don't associate a member with paedophilia to justify your kicks. Remember the phrase..."<removed> sticks" well it really does.

 

I'll lighten up if you think next time.

 

 

Now...back on track eh!

[Dozy]

You make a valid observation that most don't. When threads are started mostly it's along the lines of what we should do to perps....and what we can do is wide and varied with such frighting complexity...on the other hand no one mentions the victim other than..."what if it was your kid" as a justification for their froth. The screaming has more to do with the screamer than it has to do with the victim. The victims and their family's journey continues long after, and usually because of those that concentrate their efforts on the perp. You can kill the offender, you can lock up the offender, but it's all you can do unless you strive for continued torture....the prob with that is you forget the victim and how to protect, and you lose all rights to humanity. That's why we have high incidents of child abuse because we only care about how we feel, rather than the child.

My bold

 

Could you expand on that a bit? You seem to be saying that the number of children being abused is so high because we don't give enough consideration to the victims, which doesn't seem at all logical to me. Perhaps I've just misunderstood what you're saying?

[Halibut]

My bold

 

Could you expand on that a bit? You seem to be saying that the number of children being abused is so high because we don't give enough consideration to the victims, which doesn't seem at all logical to me. Perhaps I've just misunderstood what you're saying?

 

I took it to mean that Alien is posting in support of Purdyamos's point that -

''people don't actually bother to consider how it is from the victim's point of view.'' - i.e. that the kneejerk calls for castration/pitchforking/violent retribution do not serve the interests of victims (whose feelings towards their abuser are often complicated and ambiguous) and are often more to do with expressing our own disgust and revulsion than they are with doing what's best.

Such outpourings of bile, understandable as they are help to create the kind of climate of fear and secrecy which is part and parcel of the paedophile's ability to operate secretly and create exactly the sort of situations where victims feel too scared to speak.

[Dozy]

I took it to mean that Alien is posting in support of Purdyamos's point that -

''people don't actually bother to consider how it is from the victim's point of view.'' - i.e. that the kneejerk calls for castration/pitchforking/violent retribution do not serve the interests of victims (whose feelings towards their abuser are often complicated and ambiguous) and are often more to do with expressing our own disgust and revulsion than they are with doing what's best.

Such outpourings of bile, understandable as they are help to create the kind of climate of fear and secrecy which is part and parcel of the paedophile's ability to operate secretly and create exactly the sort of situations where victims feel too scared to speak.

 

Thanks - I get it now! Still not sure I agree, though, will have to ponder on that.

[sarah1]

Heres my experience of having a paedophile in the family..

 

Sorry if it comes over a bit blurbish, but this is the first time I've ever written anything about this down in this way..

 

I was abused by a member of our family between the ages of 12 and 14..

 

I didn't tell anyone for the whole 2 years it was going on for quite a few different reasons.. The first reason was the fear of not being believed.. Partly because I was in a bit of disbelief myself as to what was happening.. I didn't want to believe it so I kind of made myself think it wasn't happening, if that makes sense.. It hurt to much when I did think about it.. Another reason was I didn't want to break up the family.. I knew they'd go bananas about it so the fear of thinking I'd broken the family was scary..

 

After a while, I felt I needed to tell but was still so scared to so I started dropping little hints.. Things like refusing to go to his house, but not giving a reason why, walking out of our house when he came in, refusing (but not openly saying so) to be anywhere near him, daft things like that.. I was hoping that someone would pick up on these signs and wonder why I was doing the things I was, but no-one ever did..

 

I did eventually tell.. The first person I told was my friend.. She didn't know what to do, she didn't really want to get involved which I totally understood.. She was as confused about it all as I was.. I then told my boyfriend I was with at the time.. I was hoping and praying that he would go to my parents and tell them what had happened to me, just so I didn't have to and I wouldn't feel so bad about it being me that was breaking up the family, but he didn't so I was still stuck with the dilemma of having to tell them which I was still very scared to do..

 

I then told my next boyfriend (who I'm still with to this day).. At first he didn't know what to do with what I'd told him.. He listened to what I said, but then didn't mention anything about it for ages, until one day, he went up to my parents whilst I was at work and told them.. I didn't know he was going to tell them.. He probably didn't tell me as he may have thought I'd have told him not to..

I walked into my parents house and my brother and sister were there.. They were going mental about it.. Saying all the things like "I'm going to kill him" etc etc.. The pennies finally dropped with them as to why I used to refuse to go to his house and not want to be near him....

 

I'll tell you something, the relief I felt about them finally knowing felt like the whole world had been lifted off my shoulders.. I was actually glad to hear them screaming and shouting about how they wanted to seriously hurt him as by this time, I'd got over not wanting to break up the family, I just wanted this <bleep> dead..

 

No-one ever mentioned it after that day though.. No-one in my family ever asked how I was or anything.. They avoided the subject completely.. I was wanting them to ask me about it so I could finally tell them everything that happened, but they didn't want to know..

 

A few months passed and I went up to my parents house and the <bleeps> car was parked outside.. I thought it a little odd after what had happened.. I walked in and there he was sat drinking tea at my mums table..

Imagine how I felt (and still feel).. I was distraught.. There they were welcoming him back into their home, knowing full well what he'd done to me.. It was like they just didn't care about me.. A few months previous, they were going to kill him, the next making him a cuppa..

The only people that did stand by me and still do, are my step sisters...

 

I've never asked my mum about why she seemed to forgive him and I don't think I ever will.. It would be dragging up the misery I went through again..

 

Yes I am now stronger in myself and I can now talk about it openly on here, but the pain never really goes away.. Never..

 

I've probably missed alot of what happened out of this post because I'm in a bit of a tither now.. Sorry..

[ukstudent]

He already explained, and so did I. This is one of the main problems with child abuse - people don't actually bother to consider how it is from the victim's point of view. The overwhelming majority of perpetrators never end up convicted, but a lack of conviction does not mean that the child didn't experience abuse.

 

If, as the OP suggests there was evidence, you don't necessarily need a victim's testimony to prosecute.

[Alien]

Heres my experience of having a paedophile in the family..

 

Sorry if it comes over a bit blurbish, but this is the first time I've ever written anything about this down in this way..

 

I was abused by a member of our family between the ages of 12 and 14..

 

I didn't tell anyone for the whole 2 years it was going on for quite a few different reasons.. The first reason was the fear of not being believed.. Partly because I was in a bit of disbelief myself as to what was happening.. I didn't want to believe it so I kind of made myself think it wasn't happening, if that makes sense.. It hurt to much when I did think about it.. Another reason was I didn't want to break up the family.. I knew they'd go bananas about it so the fear of thinking I'd broken the family was scary..

 

After a while, I felt I needed to tell but was still so scared to so I started dropping little hints.. Things like refusing to go to his house, but not giving a reason why, walking out of our house when he came in, refusing (but not openly saying so) to be anywhere near him, daft things like that.. I was hoping that someone would pick up on these signs and wonder why I was doing the things I was, but no-one ever did..

 

I did eventually tell.. The first person I told was my friend.. She didn't know what to do, she didn't really want to get involved which I totally understood.. She was as confused about it all as I was.. I then told my boyfriend I was with at the time.. I was hoping and praying that he would go to my parents and tell them what had happened to me, just so I didn't have to and I wouldn't feel so bad about it being me that was breaking up the family, but he didn't so I was still stuck with the dilemma of having to tell them which I was still very scared to do..

 

I then told my next boyfriend (who I'm still with to this day).. At first he didn't know what to do with what I'd told him.. He listened to what I said, but then didn't mention anything about it for ages, until one day, he went up to my parents whilst I was at work and told them.. I didn't know he was going to tell them.. He probably didn't tell me as he may have thought I'd have told him not to..

I walked into my parents house and my brother and sister were there.. They were going mental about it.. Saying all the things like "I'm going to kill him" etc etc.. The pennies finally dropped with them as to why I used to refuse to go to his house and not want to be near him....

 

I'll tell you something, the relief I felt about them finally knowing felt like the whole world had been lifted off my shoulders.. I was actually glad to hear them screaming and shouting about how they wanted to seriously hurt him as by this time, I'd got over not wanting to break up the family, I just wanted this <bleep> dead..

 

No-one ever mentioned it after that day though.. No-one in my family ever asked how I was or anything.. They avoided the subject completely.. I was wanting them to ask me about it so I could finally tell them everything that happened, but they didn't want to know..

 

A few months passed and I went up to my parents house and the <bleeps> car was parked outside.. I thought it a little odd after what had happened.. I walked in and there he was sat drinking tea at my mums table..

Imagine how I felt (and still feel).. I was distraught.. There they were welcoming him back into their home, knowing full well what he'd done to me.. It was like they just didn't care about me.. A few months previous, they were going to kill him, the next making him a cuppa..

The only people that did stand by me and still do, are my step sisters...

 

I've never asked my mum about why she seemed to forgive him and I don't think I ever will.. It would be dragging up the misery I went through again..

 

Yes I am now stronger in myself and I can now talk about it openly on here, but the pain never really goes away.. Never..

 

I've probably missed alot of what happened out of this post because I'm in a bit of a tither now.. Sorry..

 

 

A harrowing read but in all honesty Sarah, not surprising. It's amazing at what length a family will go to to protect itself...even to the point of ignoring one of it's own. I can imagine there are hundreds of thousands of stories similar to yours just waiting to get told but don't because of the fear or repercussions of having to go through a second bout of abuse.

 

You of course also perpetuate the situation by waiting for others to make a move on your behalf. Very difficult when it's ingrained into us from an early age that blood is thicker than water and the family is and should only be our ultimate concern...we forget that we are individuals. The family in these situations are only a microcosm of what's happening in the Catholic church...protect even if it goes against any decency or humanity. Paedophilia will continue to grow because it nurtures and depends on secrecy, denial and fear.

 

We have to accept that it happens rather than scream froth because those that are abused look at it as if they are part of the problem rather than a victim of the problem.

[HeadingNorth]

If, as the OP suggests there was evidence, you don't necessarily need a victim's testimony to prosecute.

 

Perhaps not, but you'll almost certainly fail to get a conviction. The alleged victim standing in court saying it never happened, is reasonable doubt.