paulwilliams Posted July 10, 2010 Author Share Posted July 10, 2010 I bumped into my 'worst nightmare' bully on this forum recently. He was enquiring after some school pictures I had mentioned on some other thread. He PMed me and seemed quite shocked when I reminded him what a nasty person he had been. That is nice to know. People do mellow as they put a few years under their belts. Did he say sorry? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulwilliams Posted July 10, 2010 Author Share Posted July 10, 2010 I'm not so sure about that. It is one option for people to deflect the pain somewhere else. That is very true. I gained size but left the puppy fat behind, swapped the glasses for contacts. People who I met from facebook can't believe it is me and have a very different approach to me. They needn't bother, I made a conserted effort to channel my energies into helping kids get through what I went through in a positive way. I don't go chucking my weight around, but I know for a fact that a couple of my old school friends do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 I'm not so sure about that. It is one option for people to deflect the pain somewhere else. Well they cant have learnt much from their experience then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloomdido Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 Well they cant have learnt much from their experience then. People do what they have to to survive bad things with the limited coping strategies they have to hand. I read a book by Alice Miller called, 'The drama of the child'. It explains a lot. I know people who were abused/bullied by their parents. Some went on to be the opposite and provided oodles of love and care for their children and others went on to make exactly the same mistakes. They became their abusive parent. It's scary to see and I have two teenage children who will testify that is what their mother did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeadingNorth Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 Well they cant have learnt much from their experience then. It is sadly true, in many cases. However the vast majority of people who are bullied, do not turn into bullies themselves. It's similar to the case regarding child abuse, where most abusers were themselves abused as children, but the converse is emphatically not true. Most abuse victims do not become abusers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 People do what they have to to survive bad things with the limited coping strategies they have to hand. I read a book by Alice Miller called, 'The drama of the child'. It explains a lot. I know people who were abused/bullied by their parents. Some went on to be the opposite and provided oodles of love and care for their children and others went on to make exactly the same mistakes. They became their abusive parent. It's scary to see and I have two teenage children who will testify that is what their mother did. This has always puzzled me as to why some abused people go on to abuse others, and other people dont. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloomdido Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 The book explains how people go on to either abuse others or abuse themselves. mainly as a result of their parents messing them up. The child chooses to believe that it must be them who is bad, so that they can justify the actions of the bad parent. Fascinating stuff. Google the book. It is well respected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 The book explains how people go on to either abuse others or abuse themselves. mainly as a result of their parents messing them up. The child chooses to believe that it must be them who is bad, so that they can justify the actions of the bad parent. Fascinating stuff. Google the book. It is well respected. Yes, I would like to borrow it from the library. The thing I CANT understand is how a WOMAN can abuse her children. Motherly love is suppose to be the strongest love there is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloomdido Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 Mmmmm. Not all mothers had decent role models. If you don't know how to be a good mother, if you weren't given unconditional love a a child, then how do you learn to give it to your own children? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 Mmmmm. Not all mothers had decent role models. If you don't know how to be a good mother, if you weren't given unconditional love a a child, then how do you learn to give it to your own children? No I dont agree, some women have had terrible childhoods with no role model, but turn out to be loving mothers themselves dont they ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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