Grandparent not acknowledging college graduation..what to do?

[Sierra]

This has been driving me crazy and I'd like some advice.

 

Our eldest graduated from college at the end of May. She's a good kid. She works, does community service, has never been in trouble with the law, etc. I should add that she graduated a double major. Most universities in the U.S. require four years to complete one Baccalaureate degree, or Bachelor's degree. I don't know what the equivalent would be in the U.K. Quite a few kids take five years to complete one Bachelor's degree. (Nephew, I'm lookin' at you. I love you but the constant partying and fun having has to stop. Your parents are getting fed up and the free ride on the gravy train is coming to an end. Sis, I told you it was a bad idea to let him go to San Diego State. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=San%20Diego%20State)

 

Our girl did two degrees in four years.

 

My father in law has yet to congratulate her. Not a phone call, not a card, and certainly no gift. We are all on fairly good terms with him. Basically, that's code for "we overlook his shoddy behavior because we don't want to fight". He's not been the best parent or grandparent, but my husband and I resolved long ago to make lemonade with the lemons we've been handed, and I feel shown we've incredible restraint in not bad mouthing grandpa to the kids over the years, despite some of the crappy things he's done. I cannot however, seem to overlook this slight to my daughter. This is an important milestone in any person's life and she is naturally very hurt by her grandfather's behavior. She won't say anything because she's like her dad that way. I've tried to let this go, but I am seriously considering calling and having a quiet word with him. Not that it would do a bit of good, but I'd get it off my chest.

 

Should I? Or not?

 

He's a widower, has been blessed with extremely good health for a man his age and is still quite sharp mentally, so it's not that. He is well fixed financially, travels at least six months out of the year, has an active social life and a wide circle of friends and acquaintences, most of whom are very pleasant. So he knows how to behave properly. When it suits him, ahem. The only other hitch in this is my sister in law. She is her father's biggest enabler. She's also a meddler par excellence and I've no doubt she would get wind of this and involve herself. Though if I were her, I'd do my best to stay OUT of it. So that means I will also have to deal with her.

 

Well, what does everyone think?

[HeadingNorth]

I think you already know whether or not you should make the call.

 

Not that it would do a bit of good, but I'd get it off my chest.

 

 

Your father-in-law is, to use the appropriate US slang, a jerk. Don't let his bad behaviuor upset the family. Your daughter, if she's old enough to be graduating college, must already know he's a jerk and although her behaviour will be upsetting her, it won't be surprising her.

 

 

I suspect - if you're a decent person which you probably are - that the reason you feel more hurt this time than normal, and more inclined to try to make him do something than normal, is because his being a jerk is affecting your child and not you. Nevertheless, I think your policy of not kicking up a stink when you know darn well it won't change him one iota, is still applicable today as it has been over the years.

[Weazel2006]

You have a smart daughter who does not need others to excel and does not need someone so negative to affect her outcomes. There will be many others offering praise and congratulations and often when you want someone like this to do something you want, you will be bitterly dissapointed.

 

Without knowing the deeper reasons why i would not like to judge him too harshly, but i have met his type and they think the world owes them some level of worship, my advice leave it be and watch your offspring flourish in this world, if some people can't extend a little credit where it is due....then let them wallow in their own self pity, what goes around comes around.

 

Congrats with a tiny hint of jealousy

[redrobbo]

Whilst it might make you feel somewhat better for getting it off your chest, it still won't make an atom of difference to his behaviour - which you've already acknowledged.

 

So, what happens in the future if, say, your daughter gets engaged, gets married, has a baby? You're surely not going to pick up the 'phone yet again and tell him how to behave towards his granddaughter?

 

It's his loss that he isn't that involved or engaged with his extended family. Don't be embarrassed by his behaviour - you're not responsible for him.

[chimay]

my mum passed away a couple of years ago and through his manipulation of a sick lady my brother got everything. Mum had promised my son some money when he graduated, whih he did lat week. Since my mum's death my brother and I haven't spoke. Should I or my son contact him about the money my mum promised my son (it's about £5000)?

[HeadingNorth]

my mum passed away a couple of years ago and through his manipulation of a sick lady my brother got everything. Mum had promised my son some money when he graduated, whih he did lat week. Since my mum's death my brother and I haven't spoke. Should I or my son contact him about the money my mum promised my son (it's about £5000)?

 

If it were me I would, but the cynic in me says that unless you have written proof that she ever made such a promise, he will probably deny it ever happened - and you certainly won't be able to force him to pay up. Therefore, once again, it comes down to whether you expect him to suffer any moral twinges or not. If not, then the contact would serve no useful purpose.

[Sierra]

I suspect - if you're a decent person which you probably are - that the reason you feel more hurt this time than normal, and more inclined to try to make him do something than normal, is because his being a jerk is affecting your child and not you.

 

This is exactly right. As any parent knows, watching your child suffer and being unable to do anything about it is a special kind of hell. I simply do not understand him, and I probably never will.

 

Weazel and redrobbo, you're right of course. Still, one does expect (hope?) that this time, that person will finally wake the hell UP and do the right thing. Just this once!

 

Thanks, I feel a bit better now.

[chimay]

If it were me I would, but the cynic in me says that unless you have written proof that she ever made such a promise, he will probably deny it ever happened - and you certainly won't be able to force him to pay up. Therefore, once again, it comes down to whether you expect him to suffer any moral twinges or not. If not, then the contact would serve no useful purpose.

 

I'd be hoping for the moral twinge as several family members know about mum's promise. But my son is more realistic and says that I'm wasting my time even thinking about it.

[Sierra]

redrobbo, what really kills is my sister in law enabling and excusing his bad behavior, no matter what. She is a huge part of the problem and I believe the main reason why he continues to take the path of least resistance and do what he wants to do, instead of what's right.

 

She keeps telling him it's ok. My feeling is that none of this is done with any malicious intent. He is simply a selfish person who doesn't take the feelings of others into consideration.

[chimay]

redrobbo, what really kills is my sister in law enabling and excusing his bad behavior, no matter what. She is a huge part of the problem and I believe the main reason why he continues to take the path of least resistance and do what he wants to do, instead of what's right.

 

She keeps telling him it's ok. My feeling is that none of this is done with any malicious intent. He is simply a selfish person who doesn't take the feelings of others into consideration.

 

Men of a certain age are more prone to selfishness than others especially if they are used to being the centre of attention.