Grandparent not acknowledging college graduation..what to do?

[MadnBad]

ruby, he does know. He was invited to the graduation but was unable to attend. We saw him about two weeks after the event and we gave him a set of pictures to enjoy. We'll probably have a get together later for family and friends to which he will also naturally be invited. It's quite hot here this time of year. Much pleasanter to wait until it cools down a bit.

 

My daughter has also kept in touch (mostly one sided of course) with her grandfather and kept him up to speed on her activities, so it's not like this is a surprise. He knew it was coming.

 

I guess more than anything, I'm disappointed that he even refuses to acknowledge her hard work. And she did work hard. She is his first grandchild to graduate from college and well, it really, really hurts.

 

Roop. Greedy bitch? Seriously? Are you drunk? I don't even know how to retort to something so unnecessarily nasty and unprovoked.

 

I've been a member of this forum for nearly six years and was even a mod for a while. In all that time NO ONE has ever been this rude to me, ev-ar. Christ. Even people I banned never called me names.

 

But congratulations. You've managed to do in two posts what no one else was able to accomplish in six years. Make me cry. I'm not sobbing, but I am sniffling and the monitor in front of me is blurred. To suggest that I have no right to expect that my father in law would take pride in his grandchild's accomplishments or that I'm a greedy bitch makes me believe that you are coming from someplace twisted.

 

Do me a favor, would you? Stay there.

 

And it's my father in law, not my father.

 

This certainly makes thing's a bit clearer and you're right supposing he isn't just absent minded or is waiting until he has a chance to see her in person to congratulate her then it is a bit off of him not to have at least rang.

When you met him two weeks later was your daughter present, did you discuss her achievement with him, has she rang him since she got her qualifications.

Is he actually refusing has he acknowledged that this indifference is deliberate.

There are still a lot of holes yet to form a full opinion.

[Sierra]

I realize that you guys are only getting MY side of the story. My father in law is not the type of person it's easy to get close to and God knows, I've tried over the years. My opinion of him is that he's always looking for the worm in the apple. If I bring him dinner or offer to clean his house for him because that's what a considerate daughter in law would do, then I must be up to no good. He can never just accept a good deed and enjoy the spirit in which it was given. He alternates between using people and being suspicious of them. I don't think he even trusted his late wife completely. It's really very sad. My sister in law stays in her dad's good graces by doing whatever he says and agreeing with him, no matter how wrong he might be.

 

He trusts and treats strangers and casual acquaintences better than his own family which I will never understand. He had a man doing some work on one of his rental houses. The man had brought his family with him. It was close to Christmas, so my father in law went out and bought the man's children toys. Something he neglected to do for any of his four grandchildren that year. Am I the only one who thinks that's weird? His house was robbed by a neighbor's son he felt sorry for and gave money to, (guess the kid figured there's more where that came from) and he nearly ended up in court with an ex-girlfriend who 'borrowed' money (along with her daughter) that was never repaid. Something he'd never have tolerated from his own, and I know because my husband and I repaid a loan to him with interest. I'd personally never charge a child of mine interest on a loan, but then it's his money and he can do what he likes. If my husband and I didn't like the terms, we could have gone to a bank.

 

I mentioned that he was a widower among other things, to paint a clearer picture of him. That eliminates people thinking maybe he's sick, not in his right mind, you know. If I didn't know any better, I might be thinking the same thing. Also, as ruby pointed out, men are usually not as good at these things as women and he no longer has a wife to remind him. It must be a gene they're missing because my 17 year old son wrapped his girlfriend's birthday present in Christmas paper and duct tape. My daughter and I had a good laugh and quietly re-wrapped it.

 

When I married my husband, I was very hopeful that I would be able to have the kind of good relationship with his father that I was never able to have with my own. I feel like Jane Fonda in 'On Golden Pond' when she tries to be nice to her dad and he tells her, 'worried about the will, are you? Well, it's all going to you except what I'm taking with me!" And she says, 'stop it! I don't want anything! I just want for us to get along!" Anyone who thinks that money and things can take the place of warm, caring family interaction has a screw loose. I wish I could just go out and buy his love and concern for my children. Like frozen peas from a grocery store, because I surely would. I have such good memories of my mother's father and even my other gruff grandpa was wonderful with us kids in his own way. When I was a kid, my grandfather once asked my dad if he ever spanked us. My dad was like, 'what the hell?! You spanked us!' My grandfather airily replied, 'that was different, you needed it!"

 

My kids are both old enough to understand that grandpa is more interested in his golf game than them, and that hurts. And what hurts them hurts me. X100.

[*_ash_*]

This has been driving me crazy and I'd like some advice.

 

Our eldest graduated from college at the end of May. She's a good kid. She works, does community service, has never been in trouble with the law, etc. I should add that she graduated a double major. Most universities in the U.S. require four years to complete one Baccalaureate degree, or Bachelor's degree. I don't know what the equivalent would be in the U.K. Quite a few kids take five years to complete one Bachelor's degree. (Nephew, I'm lookin' at you. I love you but the constant partying and fun having has to stop. Your parents are getting fed up and the free ride on the gravy train is coming to an end. Sis, I told you it was a bad idea to let him go to San Diego State. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=San%20Diego%20State)

 

Our girl did two degrees in four years.

My father in law has yet to congratulate her. Not a phone call, not a card, and certainly no gift. We are all on fairly good terms with him. Basically, that's code for "we overlook his shoddy behavior because we don't want to fight". He's not been the best parent or grandparent, but my husband and I resolved long ago to make lemonade with the lemons we've been handed, and I feel shown we've incredible restraint in not bad mouthing grandpa to the kids over the years, despite some of the crappy things he's done. I cannot however, seem to overlook this slight to my daughter. This is an important milestone in any person's life and she is naturally very hurt by her grandfather's behavior. She won't say anything because she's like her dad that way. I've tried to let this go, but I am seriously considering calling and having a quiet word with him. Not that it would do a bit of good, but I'd get it off my chest.

 

Should I? Or not?

 

He's a widower, has been blessed with extremely good health for a man his age and is still quite sharp mentally, so it's not that. He is well fixed financially, travels at least six months out of the year, has an active social life and a wide circle of friends and acquaintences, most of whom are very pleasant. So he knows how to behave properly. When it suits him, ahem. The only other hitch in this is my sister in law. She is her father's biggest enabler. She's also a meddler par excellence and I've no doubt she would get wind of this and involve herself. Though if I were her, I'd do my best to stay OUT of it. So that means I will also have to deal with her.

Well, what does everyone think?

 

I read this post, with a view to reading responses, but they all look long and I'm going to bed, so if it's been said then fair enough, or if I'm entirely wrong then also fair enough..

 

The bit I've highlighted is the bit I wanted to comment on when I read it. And so add what I think.

 

I would ring [or text/email him] and say, you haven't said/done anything! (as you say).

 

Just do it now!, but tell him to say that he has been busy, and unforgivably hasn't found the time to congratulate.

 

She'll never know.

 

 

edit: I'll read the entire thread in the morning, as I might want to change my mind, especially as I've just seen that this has 2 pages, and there is an enormous post above mine!

[EdnaKrabappe]

Sierra, I was the first person in my immediate family to go to university (my sister being the second and who is still there) ... I recieved nothing money wise or cards when i graduated, my gran came to my graduation and we went for some lunch as i recall but that was it. I paid for my own robes/mortar hire and as I couldn't afford a graduation picture, being a four years in debt student and all that, I didn't have one.

 

Some older people simply don't see it as a big deal. Most kids go to uni these days so they will graduate.

 

In my case it did upset me re my mum* who hadn't acknowledged it one little bit but I wasn't upset re my gran(who had brought me up). Although it was a big deal to me, it wasn't to her. I was just pleased she came to my ceremony. My mother didn't.

 

Don't fall out with your father in law over this. Just remember to be the better person yourself.

 

(* Who was more cross that I wanted to graduate with all my friends in the July as she had a hotel and didn't want to leave it during peak season so had asked me to graduate in November - none of my university friends were so I refused and she was sulking about that.)

[Sierra]

Your daughter has obtained a degree. (forget the 'double Major' bit ... it's a degree with 2 major subjects.

 

Rupert, umm, isn't two double?! Suffice it to say she did far more work than her single major classmates. I certainly wouldn't hold it against you if you honestly made a mistake, but surely you know it's bad form to cuss people out or insult them. It completely invalidates your point and immediately puts people on the defensive. Unless that's your intent, in which case go for it.

 

As for "saying what we want" on the forum (the best forum in the world by the way), do you know how many times I heard that when I was a moderator?! I always had this image of the person as Cartman on South Park, with too much eye shadow and a leopard print miniskirt and heels screaming, 'whatevah! I do what I want!"

 

Sierra, I was the first person in my immediate family to go to university (my sister being the second and who is still there) ... I recieved nothing money wise or cards when i graduated, my gran came to my graduation and we went for some lunch as i recall but that was it. I paid for my own robes/mortar hire and as I couldn't afford a graduation picture, being a four years in debt student and all that, I didn't have one.

 

Some older people simply don't see it as a big deal. Most kids go to uni these days so they will graduate.

 

In my case it did upset me re my mum* who hadn't acknowledged it one little bit but I wasn't upset re my gran(who had brought me up). Although it was a big deal to me, it wasn't to her. I was just pleased she came to my ceremony. My mother didn't.

 

Don't fall out with your father in law over this. Just remember to be the better person yourself.

 

(* Who was more cross that I wanted to graduate with all my friends in the July as she had a hotel and didn't want to leave it during peak season so had asked me to graduate in November - none of my university friends were so I refused and she was sulking about that.)

 

Edna, I am sorry. That wasn't nice of your mum at all. Makes you wonder what the hell some people are thinking. They act like this happens every week and if they miss it this time they can make it the next, like catching the next bus. And you think, 'my gosh. I know you want to get back to whatever it is you're doing, (don't we all) but can you just give me a few hours of your time? Just this once?! To me, there are some things you just don't miss. Unless you're dead, in jail, or in the hospital. OTOH, as someone upthread said, 'if you have to go chasing them down and calling them to do what's right, whats the point? It's just not the same."

 

My daughter is not the first one in the family to graduate college, but she is the first grandchild (on my husband's side) to do so.

 

I was talking to a friend about this last night, and we both agreed people would rather hear bad news from you than good news. I know someone who's lost a lot of weight and she looks fabulous. She told me she's been disappointed in some people's reactions and sad that not everyone is happy for her. I suppose that's human nature and haven't we all been guilty of Schadenfreude at one time or another?

 

So, thanks to everyone who gave me helpful advice, I appreciate it and I think I'll call him.

[Berberis]

Why do you or your daughter need the acknowledgement of a grandparent? What does it bring other then worlds and praise? Did you daughter go to collage solely to impress her grandparents?

 

I think her graduation is testament enough she does not need her grandparents approval or praise.

 

Life is too short, if the person in question is acting like an idiot, ignore them, get on with your life. They are the only losers here.

 

Throw a big party to celebrate and only invite those who will appreciate it or who have supported or helped your daughter. It’s her achievement after all.

[Plain Talker]

If the grandpa wants to be a miserable old 'censored', and not be proud of his granddaughter's achievements, that's his loss, not yours or hers.

 

If you've let him know, and he's not "big enough" to man-up and share in the pride and pleasure of her achievements, then pfffft. ( *dismissive gesture* ) Sod him, frankly.

 

If my granddaughter had got her degree and was ready to graduate, I'd be so damn proud of her, I'd be turning cartwheels, chair or no chair. I'd be thrilled to little pieces if she had achieved this.

 

Sod the 'lavishing money on her' stuff others have mentioned, that's just money:- it's the physical presence at the ceremony, it's the sheer simple fact of taking pride in her that is the real value here.

 

If he can't even do that, he's not worth bothering about, IMO.

[Ms Macbeth]

Well done your daughter Sierra. Your immediate family showing your pride in your daughter will mean the most to her. If grandad isn't bothered - then its his loss IMO. I just can't imagine not wanting to show pride in anything my grandchildren achieve.

 

Coincidentally, our daughter graduates on Tuesday with first class honours. She's done her degree part time, as she's been working for more than 20 years, mostly in nursing, and the course is work related. Her dad and I will be there, and will take her for lunch and a couple of drinks to celebrate!

[Plain Talker]

Well done your daughter Sierra. Your immediate family showing your pride in your daughter will mean the most to her. If grandad isn't bothered - then its his loss IMO. I just can't imagine not wanting to show pride in anything my grandchildren achieve.

 

Coincidentally, our daughter graduates on Tuesday with first class honours. She's done her degree part time, as she's been working for more than 20 years, mostly in nursing, and the course is work related. Her dad and I will be there, and will take her for lunch and a couple of drinks to celebrate!

 

and well-done "Miss"-Macbeth then also. Congratulations to her as well. (to do the degree at the same time as holding down a job, and running a home is no mean feat! )

[Eater Sundae]

ruby, he does know. He was invited to the graduation but was unable to attend. We saw him about two weeks after the event and we gave him a set of pictures to enjoy. We'll probably have a get together later for family and friends to which he will also naturally be invited. It's quite hot here this time of year. Much pleasanter to wait until it cools down a bit.

 

My daughter has also kept in touch (mostly one sided of course) with her grandfather and kept him up to speed on her activities, so it's not like this is a surprise. He knew it was coming.

 

I guess more than anything, I'm disappointed that he even refuses to acknowledge her hard work. And she did work hard. She is his first grandchild to graduate from college and well, it really, really hurts.

 

Roop. Greedy bitch? Seriously? Are you drunk? I don't even know how to retort to something so unnecessarily nasty and unprovoked.

 

I've been a member of this forum for nearly six years and was even a mod for a while. In all that time NO ONE has ever been this rude to me, ev-ar. Christ. Even people I banned never called me names.

 

But congratulations. You've managed to do in two posts what no one else was able to accomplish in six years. Make me cry. I'm not sobbing, but I am sniffling and the monitor in front of me is blurred. To suggest that I have no right to expect that my father in law would take pride in his grandchild's accomplishments or that I'm a greedy bitch makes me believe that you are coming from someplace twisted.

 

Do me a favor, would you? Stay there.

 

And it's my father in law, not my father.

 

RE my bold bit. Does he actually know what you are expecting him to do? He's not exactly experienced when it comes to relatives getting a degree.