Grandparent not acknowledging college graduation..what to do?

[Eater Sundae]

Sierra, I was the first person in my immediate family to go to university (my sister being the second and who is still there) ... I recieved nothing money wise or cards when i graduated, my gran came to my graduation and we went for some lunch as i recall but that was it. I paid for my own robes/mortar hire and as I couldn't afford a graduation picture, being a four years in debt student and all that, I didn't have one.

 

Some older people simply don't see it as a big deal. Most kids go to uni these days so they will graduate.

 

In my case it did upset me re my mum* who hadn't acknowledged it one little bit but I wasn't upset re my gran(who had brought me up). Although it was a big deal to me, it wasn't to her. I was just pleased she came to my ceremony. My mother didn't.

 

Don't fall out with your father in law over this. Just remember to be the better person yourself.

 

(* Who was more cross that I wanted to graduate with all my friends in the July as she had a hotel and didn't want to leave it during peak season so had asked me to graduate in November - none of my university friends were so I refused and she was sulking about that.)

 

I was the first in my immediate family to graduate, also. Similarly I was not given anything. I don't think my dad ever congratulated me. I doubt we ever discussed it, but conversely I didn't feel that he had failed in any way. He just wasn't demonstrative. I knew he was as proud as punch (although he might not have really known what a degree was) - he didn't need to say or do anything.

[hazel]

Sierra

 

Why is it so important to you that a horrible man does not behave as he should, it sounds to me that he never has.

 

It's sheer delight when your children go to uni and get their degree being given the chance, that in my case, I never had. You must be so proud of your daughter, I know I was when my son got his degree --what does it matter if a jealous man does not aknowledge her achievment. Lots of others will and are doing, ie SF

 

You sound as if you have been blessed with bright clever children-- a credit to you and your husband,

I think if it was me I should be thanking God that they had not inherited his genes

Congratulations to her.

 

hazel

[Twiglet]

Rupert, umm, isn't two double?! Suffice it to say she did far more work than her single major classmates.

 

Hi Sierra, a 'double major' is one degree with two major concentrations. It essentially involves taking half of the classes for each degree - obtaining the total credits for one degree but in two subjects.

 

That isn't to downplay it though - it's always more difficult to get a degree this way and involves more work to keep up with peers in both subjects who get the extra classes

[Sierra]

Well done your daughter Sierra. Your immediate family showing your pride in your daughter will mean the most to her. If grandad isn't bothered - then its his loss IMO. I just can't imagine not wanting to show pride in anything my grandchildren achieve.

 

Coincidentally, our daughter graduates on Tuesday with first class honours. She's done her degree part time, as she's been working for more than 20 years, mostly in nursing, and the course is work related. Her dad and I will be there, and will take her for lunch and a couple of drinks to celebrate!

 

Ms. MacBeth, please tell your daughter I send my congratulations and best wishes to her. I know how proud you and her father are of her. I do.

 

I dropped out of college. One of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life. I always intended to go back and finish...but it's so much more difficult with a family, etc. Which makes your girl's achievements that much more spectacular. Good for her.

 

As for why it's important for her grandpa to acknowledge this? I'm not sure exactly. Because he's supposed to? I know people don't always do what they're supposed to, but I know a number of people who are having trouble with their kids. Drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, raising their grandkids because their child(ren) don't want to or can't take the responsibility, flunking out of everything, bad attitudes. Strike that last one, I think that's fairly normal, heh.

 

Just the other day, a friend confessed that they discovered her 20 year old son has been using his stepfather's ATM card without his permission. They couldn't figure out how the money was disappearing and never suspected him. They're angry and scared. She suspects he has a drug or gambling problem and she doesn't know what to do. They've given him every advantage and they don't know how he could lie to them and steal from them. They're heartbroken over this. I put myself in their place and I wouldn't know what to do, either. My husband and I feel incredibly blessed and are thankful every day that we aren't having any of these problems. Well, except for the bad attitudes, sometimes.

 

I guess that's it. That grandpa doesn't appreciate what he's got. That he doesn't realize how very lucky he is because he could be visiting his grandchild in jail. Or the hospital. Or the morgue. That life is short and you should take every opportunity to show the people most important to you how much they mean to you, right now. Today. Because one of you may not be here tomorrow, God forbid. I'm also sad because I know I should just let it go and stop hoping for him to be someone he's clearly not, and wishing for something that will never be. Doesn't stop me from wanting it, though.

[Sierra]

Hi Sierra, a 'double major' is one degree with two major concentrations. It essentially involves taking half of the classes for each degree - obtaining the total credits for one degree but in two subjects.

 

That isn't to downplay it though - it's always more difficult to get a degree this way and involves more work to keep up with peers in both subjects who get the extra classes

 

Ahhhh. Thanks Twiglet. My daughter has explained it to me. Several times. I don't dare ask again.

 

I'm still not certain if it's the same in both countries. Even here it can be different. I'm not completely sure if the University of California system and the California State University system have the same requirements. Well, one thing is the same anyway. It is more work.

[MadnBad]

I realize that you guys are only getting MY side of the story. My father in law is not the type of person it's easy to get close to and God knows, I've tried over the years. My opinion of him is that he's always looking for the worm in the apple. If I bring him dinner or offer to clean his house for him because that's what a considerate daughter in law would do, then I must be up to no good. He can never just accept a good deed and enjoy the spirit in which it was given. He alternates between using people and being suspicious of them. I don't think he even trusted his late wife completely. It's really very sad. My sister in law stays in her dad's good graces by doing whatever he says and agreeing with him, no matter how wrong he might be.

 

He trusts and treats strangers and casual acquaintences better than his own family which I will never understand. He had a man doing some work on one of his rental houses. The man had brought his family with him. It was close to Christmas, so my father in law went out and bought the man's children toys. Something he neglected to do for any of his four grandchildren that year. Am I the only one who thinks that's weird? His house was robbed by a neighbor's son he felt sorry for and gave money to, (guess the kid figured there's more where that came from) and he nearly ended up in court with an ex-girlfriend who 'borrowed' money (along with her daughter) that was never repaid. Something he'd never have tolerated from his own, and I know because my husband and I repaid a loan to him with interest. I'd personally never charge a child of mine interest on a loan, but then it's his money and he can do what he likes. If my husband and I didn't like the terms, we could have gone to a bank.

 

I mentioned that he was a widower among other things, to paint a clearer picture of him. That eliminates people thinking maybe he's sick, not in his right mind, you know. If I didn't know any better, I might be thinking the same thing. Also, as ruby pointed out, men are usually not as good at these things as women and he no longer has a wife to remind him. It must be a gene they're missing because my 17 year old son wrapped his girlfriend's birthday present in Christmas paper and duct tape. My daughter and I had a good laugh and quietly re-wrapped it.

 

When I married my husband, I was very hopeful that I would be able to have the kind of good relationship with his father that I was never able to have with my own. I feel like Jane Fonda in 'On Golden Pond' when she tries to be nice to her dad and he tells her, 'worried about the will, are you? Well, it's all going to you except what I'm taking with me!" And she says, 'stop it! I don't want anything! I just want for us to get along!" Anyone who thinks that money and things can take the place of warm, caring family interaction has a screw loose. I wish I could just go out and buy his love and concern for my children. Like frozen peas from a grocery store, because I surely would. I have such good memories of my mother's father and even my other gruff grandpa was wonderful with us kids in his own way. When I was a kid, my grandfather once asked my dad if he ever spanked us. My dad was like, 'what the hell?! You spanked us!' My grandfather airily replied, 'that was different, you needed it!"

 

My kids are both old enough to understand that grandpa is more interested in his golf game than them, and that hurts. And what hurts them hurts me. X100.

 

Sounds like he's been burnt to many times by people he should be able to trust so his state of mind that someone who naturally would expect nothing of him is more deserving makes a slightly skewed sense.

And it seems that he trusts blood relatives like his daughter more than married into the family relatives like you, so maybe it would be better if your husband spoke to him rather than you on this subject since he may suspect you're after more than a simple acknowledgement of your daughters achievement.

But saying all that is does sound like that you need a proper heart to heart talk to gain real understanding of each other and where you stand about you and your families relationship to him because it really does seem that you would love to have this surrogate father figure and he may be able to fill that role if he knew the depth of your feelings.

[Sierra]

Sounds like he's been burnt to many times by people he should be able to trust so his state of mind that someone who naturally would expect nothing of him is more deserving makes a slightly skewed sense.

And it seems that he trusts blood relatives like his daughter more than married into the family relatives like you, so maybe it would be better if your husband spoke to him rather than you on this subject since he may suspect you're after more than a simple acknowledgement of your daughters achievement.

But saying all that is does sound like that you need a proper heart to heart talk to gain real understanding of each other and where you stand about you and your families relationship to him because it really does seem that you would love to have this surrogate father figure and he may be able to fill that role if he knew the depth of your feelings.

 

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for your heartfelt response.

 

Yes, my father in law had some hard knocks as a child. His parents divorced when he was small and his father pretty much abandoned them. He did reconcile with his father as an adult, but let's face it. How can you make up for all the lost years? You can't, really.

 

He listens to his daughter above all others, but again, she mostly tells him what he wants to hear. When I saw the neighbor kid hanging around, I warned my father in law to watch out, because I felt that boy was bad news. Instead, he listened to his daughter, who was stroking his ego by telling him what a wonderful person he was to spend time with this kid. After the little creep came back and robbed my father in law's house, my father in law told me privately that he should have listened to me. I told him, 'Look. I was honestly trying to warn you! I felt honor bound to speak up because it didn't look like anyone else was going to!"

 

Sadly, I fear you're right about him thinking I want more than an acknowledgement, but surely he can at least congratulate her? That doesn't cost a thing and it would mean so much to my daughter! He suspects everyone except the people who he should really be wary of, which drives me crazy. My husband is fed up. (and after a lifetime dealing with his father and sister, I don't blame him) He says his father doesn't listen anyway and at his age, isn't about to change.

 

Actually, I'm probably angriest with my sister in law. Like someone who spoils a child, she isn't doing her father any favors by constantly taking his side. It just fuels his bad behavior and paranoia that disagreement = criticism.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Cyclone]

At the moment, Ruby, I'm a really 'grumpy grandpa' - I'm full of 'lizard spit' and it's making me feel really barbary ...Not quite as bad as the original owner - but 'up there'.

 

I'm a grandpa. The sun shines from my grand children's fundaments.:hihi: They can do no wrong.

 

I'm really lucky. - My son is a decent human being (the transmogrification happened at about the same time that I stopped being 'the dumbest arsehole in the universe' )

 

From what she said, Sierra is upset because her dad (who is [apparently] now a rich man, because his wife is dead and he doesn't need all that money to spend on himself) hasn't sent a bucket-load of money to her daughter.

 

I think that's outrageous.

 

Hence my post.

 

Maybe I misread an earlier post, but I didn't see any money mentioned until you mentioned it. I assumed she was looking for a phone call and a "well done" to her daughter from her father-in-law.

[Ms Macbeth]

Sierra, we had a lovely day on Tuesday - its about 15 years since our son got his last degree so our daughter deciding to do one was a bonus! Sheffield University should get some plaudits for the way they organised the ceremony, it was pitched just right for the (mainly young) graduates.

 

I sincerely hope you and your husband enjoy your daughter's day as much. If you can get granddad to show an interest that would be good. If you can't, I'm sure your immediate family will make up for it.

[Cyclone]

... and it would mean so much to my daughter!

Are you sure? It doesn't sound like he's been much of a grandparent for the rest of her life, so I doubt that she has that high expectations of a sudden change at this point.

 

I guess all you can do is ask him to congratulate her. It doesn't have to be a long discussion or turn into an argument, phone or text him, ask him to congratulate her and end the conversation. Either he does it or he chooses not to.

I asked my parents to cancel a planned holiday to come to my graduation. In hindsight (and I said this on the day), I'd have been better off going on holiday with them. There's nothing magical about standing on stage and being given a certificate and a handshake.