Worried about a Very Depressed Friend

[locket]

my husband has got a mate who has recently split up in their relationship. he is 44 she is 40. althought they had been together 7 years on & off but never lived together.

it was clear to outsiders it wasnt going to work. he went through the same last year for 10 months beating him self up & blaming him self just wanting a 5th attempt at the relationship to put things right. he got the chance in february & it ended in may.

since then he has got worse than last year, but this time my husband is worried about his state of mind. he cant let go of her to try to move on. he thinks his life is now over & at 44 he is going to spend of his life lonley at his parents. without the woman the woman he thought of his dreams (she was more of a nightmare).

he is a nice genuine bloke with lots to offer but cant make him see that.

What can we do to help

[Northrend]

I wish I knew but I can only sympathise with him as I am 33 and going through exactly the same thing. I've had to be signed off and am on meds to try and help me out of it. It's not easy and most nights I get low and just have the nastiest thoughts. Even having 2 kids some days isn't enough to justify me not ending it all.

 

I have had some councilling which has helped. I still got a long way to go though.

[locket]

hubby speak to him every day telling him what he can that things will get better eventually & he has to go out & get on with stuff. he lives with his parents & they are really worried too. he wont entertain going to doctors for any help.

[Northrend]

Well it's not something that is required but please tell him from me it does sure help. You can get medication that makes you feel happy all the time. Mine has yet to kick in been taking it for 2 weeks now.

 

I had to swallow my pride and seek help because I became scared of the thoughts I was having.

[locket]

thanks hope all goes well for you northrend.

[Northrend]

Also depends on what response you get from the other person. If his ex still cares she might not want to be with him but might show it. I am not so lucky I know what my ex thinks of me and I know that should I ever do anything stupid she would be the last person to know.

 

Thanks. I hope so too.

[locket]

spoke to his ex she doesnt want anything to do with him. she only went back with him on occasions to sap him of what she could. to all of his mates she wasnt worth the heartache what it is causing him. we know he deserves & will find better in time & hopefully look back on this & think why did i put myself throught it.

but while he cant let her go he cant move on. but she has & life alll rosie for her which is what make us mad.

the main point at the moment is to get him out of himself & back on the right road. but he doesnt seem to listen to us.

[Northrend]

It's something you can't help him with unless he wants to be helped. What I found is that since separating I realised I had friends I never did and also self confidence has taken a blow but I am being constantly given compliments and I have been on several dates. I battle the depression behind closed doors and put on a good poker face.

 

For me it's my children that are the hardest part to get over. I have often not seen them when I know I should but It's very hard. I get no help to see the children even though I changed my job role to allow for contact.

 

He will get better but he really does need some help. Like I said it's a pride thing.. and what good is pride when your dead..

[Babooshka]

I know that this is going to seem unsympathetic, and cold, but, I think some people need a reality check. There is 'depression', and there is great sadness. Two very different things. I also think that people need to get a hold on their lives. Couples break up, every day, the world over. It is a fact of life.

 

The fact that your husband's friend has broken up with his girlfriend, (with whom he has not even resided), FIVE times, should suggest that this particular relationship was unlikely to be something ever-lasting. It amazes me, therefore, that people don't stop repeating unhealthy patterns. They throw themselves in to relationships that are no good for them.

 

Some people have stopped having all sense of personal responsibility. They become so dependent on someone else for their happiness (or, madly, in many cases, their UNhappiness), that they lose all sense of self.

 

Rather than DO something about it, they just wallow in self-pity, and say they are depressed. They can not be bothered to face the music, and say, 'right, this particular relationship has ended, so now it is time to focus on ME and MY life, and do something about it to pick myself back up'.

 

We have all been through devastating relationship breakups, but it is time people realised that it is YOUR responsibility to get yourself together, and get on with life. It will probably happen again, in all fairness, as it does to all of us.

 

Once you sit, and make a conscious effort to do something for yourself, and look after yourself, rather than sit at home, cry, and swallow pills to 'make you happy', then you will find that things get better. Many people don't seem to want to help themselves these days, though.

 

Breaking up with someone does not mean you have 'depression'. Take action. Sounds to me like this guy needs a good kick up the bum! There is so much to do out there, that does not cost the earth. So many fun things, that can build your self-esteem....but he has to start to undertake them. If he doesn't then he, alone, is the cause of his pointless misery.

[Bulgarian]

You can get medication that makes you feel happy all the time.

 

It doesn't really work like that, if it works at all, it's not guaranteed.