Am i being selfish?

[lubylou]

Right, i feel really guilty at the moment, and not for the first time recently, as some of you know, we lost my dad last year, anyway, mums still not coping too well i dont think, she has a new dog to keep her company,and she goes out during the week with her twin sister, when it comes to weekends, she doesnt seem to do much, especially Sundays, i have been going up on a Sunday with my kids to spend the day with her, but on some occasions, i really dont feel like going, and today is 1 of those days, i wasnt well for a couple of days from Thursday and i work during the week, so i need to do my own household chores etc, and just feel like relaxing for a bit. My mum called this morning to see if we were going up, i asked the kids if they wanted too, but they were still in bed and tired, so said no, so she asked me if i wanted too on my own, and i got from the tone of the question that she was bored and wanted me too. Anyway, i said no, cos i had stuff to do, now im feeling sooo guilty , i know how much she is struggling, but i need my time aswell and find her hard work at times when i do go up. Do you think im been selfish? I have been there for her since my dad passed, but it can get so tiring, but i hate the thought of her been on her own, even if it is only 1 day a week.

[pattricia]

Right, i feel really guilty at the moment, and not for the first time recently, as some of you know, we lost my dad last year, anyway, mums still not coping too well i dont think, she has a new dog to keep her company,and she goes out during the week with her twin sister, when it comes to weekends, she doesnt seem to do much, especially Sundays, i have been going up on a Sunday with my kids to spend the day with her, but on some occasions, i really dont feel like going, and today is 1 of those days, i wasnt well for a couple of days from Thursday and i work during the week, so i need to do my own household chores etc, and just feel like relaxing for a bit. My mum called this morning to see if we were going up, i asked the kids if they wanted too, but they were still in bed and tired, so said no, so she asked me if i wanted too on my own, and i got from the tone of the question that she was bored and wanted me too. Anyway, i said no, cos i had stuff to do, now im feeling sooo guilty , i know how much she is struggling, but i need my time aswell and find her hard work at times when i do go up. Do you think im been selfish? I have been there for her since my dad passed, but it can get so tiring, but i hate the thought of her been on her own, even if it is only 1 day a week.

 

This happened to me as well. If I didnt go up I felt guilty,even though I had been up in the week. You need your own space,and if you explain this to your mother,she will understand. Never feel guilty about anything.Time will resolve her problems.

[Alien]

Invite her over to you...get her to help you. From what i've read no, that wouldn't seem selfish.

[natjack]

I can see how you feel but you can't spend all your time with other people, we all have our own stuff to do, so don't feel bad about it.

 

Can't she come to yours for a change of scene? Maybe she could give you a hand with your stuff, or cook the dinner at your house?

[lubylou]

I have invited her to us before, but she wont leave the dog on his own, he,s a big Alsation, she knows she is welcome here anytime, but i think she has got stuck in a rut now she has the dog. The dog cant come here btw as i have 3 cats, who wouldnt be very happy.

[pattricia]

I have invited her to us before, but she wont leave the dog on his own, he,s a big Alsation, she knows she is welcome here anytime, but i think she has got stuck in a rut now she has the dog. The dog cant come here btw as i have 3 cats, who wouldnt be very happy.

 

She needs another friend who isnt a relative, preferably one with a dog, then they can walk them together. Otherwise even an elderly person without a dog, would enjoy walking with your mother and her dog. Has she no friends of her own age ?

[Eater Sundae]

Right, i feel really guilty at the moment, and not for the first time recently, as some of you know, we lost my dad last year, anyway, mums still not coping too well i dont think, she has a new dog to keep her company,and she goes out during the week with her twin sister, when it comes to weekends, she doesnt seem to do much, especially Sundays, i have been going up on a Sunday with my kids to spend the day with her, but on some occasions, i really dont feel like going, and today is 1 of those days, i wasnt well for a couple of days from Thursday and i work during the week, so i need to do my own household chores etc, and just feel like relaxing for a bit. My mum called this morning to see if we were going up, i asked the kids if they wanted too, but they were still in bed and tired, so said no, so she asked me if i wanted too on my own, and i got from the tone of the question that she was bored and wanted me too. Anyway, i said no, cos i had stuff to do, now im feeling sooo guilty , i know how much she is struggling, but i need my time aswell and find her hard work at times when i do go up. Do you think im been selfish? I have been there for her since my dad passed, but it can get so tiring, but i hate the thought of her been on her own, even if it is only 1 day a week.

 

 

Personally, I don't think you're being selfish (other than in the strict literal sense of thinking of yourself. You are trying to help your Mum, and I'm sure you will carry on doing so. However, you have to meet your own needs (and those of the rest of your family) too. If you went to your Mum's out of duty, you might start resenting "having" to visit her, which wouldn't be good for either of you.

 

All you can do is try to get a balance. Yes, you will feel a little guilty (I went through all this over 20 years ago), but you and the rest of your family have needs to. Don't beat yourself up about this.

[lubylou]

She needs another friend who isnt a relative, preferably one with a dog, then they can walk them together. Otherwise even an elderly person without a dog, would enjoy walking with your mother and her dog. Has she no friends of her own age ?

 

Hi Pat, yes she does, she joined the neighbourhood watch group and has friends from there but she doesnt seem to like ringing people up and asking them to do things, i have tried telling her too and she say,s "oh i dont like too, they might think im been pushy". This is why she can be hard work at times, she knows what she needs to do, but doesnt do it, hopefully in time it will change.

[pattricia]

Hi Pat, yes she does, she joined the neighbourhood watch group and has friends from there but she doesnt seem to like ringing people up and asking them to do things, i have tried telling her too and she say,s "oh i dont like too, they might think im been pushy". This is why she can be hard work at times, she knows what she needs to do, but doesnt do it, hopefully in time it will change.

 

I understand her point of view as well. Shes shy like me isnt she ?

 

 

Seriously I would contact Age Concern and ask their advice. They have all sorts of ideas on Luncheon Clubs and Groups etc; I did this with my mother,and she never looked back.

[lubylou]

Thanks Pat, will try that,as for been shy, erm, not really no