Collecting a Child

[Babooshka]

There is a definite loop hole in family law here. I feel so alone. Social Services are not interested unless the child is at risk (which I am glad to say, he isn't). Police not interested unless he physically attacks me (which he won't). Solicitor not interested unless the ex fails to return my son. So, there is NO support out there at all for people in my situation.

 

Suffra, my solicitor did say to me that I could always refuse to allow my son to go anywhere again until he either a) complies, or b) gets a Court Order. I just struggle to be like that cos it's not in my nature. It would be like using my son as a pawn in some game of oneupmanship. I don't want to destroy the relationship my son has with his father...but by not doing so, I am destroying myself.

 

He just wants the control. It's in his nature. Look at his job for God's sake.

 

Solicitors do not have out of hours offers of contact. I have really found myself with very little help. I am beside myself.

 

I just want my son in my arms. I want to be able to live my life without him dictating to me (as has been the case for the past two years...TWO YEARS since we split). Maybe I should get myself a big strong bulldog of a boyfriend!!!!!

[Cyclone]

Man up and the next time he makes unreasonable demands, cut him off from contact for a month.

If he does it again, make it two months.

 

When he starts loosing this power game (because you are actually in the stronger position), he'll almost certainly become reasonable again. At least if contact with his son is important to him.

 

Nobody is going to stand up for you, it's not the job of the police, the courts or your solicitor, you have to do it yourself.

[espadrille]

I do agree with cyclone on this.

Dont waste time looking for outside help, there isnt any.

There is really one person in the world that you can rely on ,but self confidence and self esteem are key and believing that you are doing the right thing, which most people on here are saying you are.

 

Dont use up mental energy thinking about what he is going to do.

Decide on your course of action and stick to it.

[Babooshka]

Man up and the next time he makes unreasonable demands, cut him off from contact for a month.

If he does it again, make it two months.

 

 

What would be the repercussions for me if I should do this? Christ, he would kill me.

[Babooshka]

I mean, would that be stupid of me to send a text saying that he is not welcome to collect his son unless his son he follows the rules I expressed in the letter. I am hopeless at knowing what is the best way to approach stuff like this. SORRY!!!! Really not my area of expertise! Just worried about things being used against me, legally.

[Suffragette1]

I agree with Cyclone, your ex clearly will not respond to reason so you need to assert your own wishes. Whilst I totally agree that it is unfair to use your son as a pawn in all of this and totally understand why you feel reluctant to go down this avenue, I expect that your ex knows this and is using it to his advantage.

 

As Cyclone says, you are in the stronger position here. Are/were you married? My knowledge (which is scant to say the least) of the area of family law and parental rights etc is that he has less paternal rights if you were unmarried, unless he took out one of those parental rights agreements, which came into effect in 2003. More here.

 

Could you find out what the repercussions of refusing him access to your son would be, or does anyone know? If it ends up in court do the arrangements for collection and drop off then become legally binding? It could all work in your favour.

 

Good luck.

[boyfriday]

Man up and the next time he makes unreasonable demands, cut him off from contact for a month.

If he does it again, make it two months.

 

What we don't know is the extent of the relationship the son has with his father, so that could be a dangerous strategy as the son may well believe the mother is keeping him away from his father (which she is) for her own agenda, so it could backfire spectacularly.

 

As far as possible the son should be kept out of this argument (he might see no problem in his father dropping him off directly to his mother and I can imagine a manipulative parent could sell the idea to him very easily).

 

In the OP's position, I would have one of her relatives at the house with her to conduct the handover as she suggested. Logistically it would be impractical and awkward for the father to refuse to hand the child over on the doorstep to his granny or auntie, the father would also look a fool in front of his son if he acted that way, especially if the mother explained to the son what was going to happen beforehand, assuming he's of an age of understanding.

[Suffragette1]

What we don't know is the extent of the relationship the son has with his father, so that could be a dangerous strategy as the son may well believe the mother is keeping him away from his father (which she is) for her own agenda, so it could backfire spectacularly.

 

As far as possible the son should be kept out of this argument (he might see no problem in his father dropping him off directly to his mother and I can imagine a manipulative parent could sell the idea to him very easily).

 

In the OP's position, I would have one of her relatives at the house with her to conduct the handover as she suggested. Logistically it would be impractical and awkward for the father to refuse to hand the child over on the doorstep to his granny or auntie, the father would also look a fool in front of his son if he acted that way, especially if the mother explained to the son what was going to happen beforehand, assuming he's of an age of understanding.

 

I agree with all of the above, however, it seems that this <insert word of choice> sees the handover as an opportunity to see the OP, which she rightly does not want. I expect that given what we know, if Babooshka has a friend/relative present the next time whilst she herself does not come to the door, he will refuse to collect or drop off their son again unless she is alone in the house. It does seem like a real impasse unless Babooshka capitulates to his demands.

[boyfriday]

I agree with all of the above, however, it seems that this <insert word of choice> sees the handover as an opportunity to see the OP, which she rightly does not want.

And of course he has no rights to insist on seeing her, nor is it fundamental to the handover arrangements.

I expect that given what we know, if Babooshka has a friend/relative present the next time whilst she herself does not come to the door, he will refuse to collect or drop off their son again unless she is alone in the house. It does seem like a real impasse unless Babooshka capitulates to his demands.

It may be a problem Suff, but I believe one that is easily resolved. I've not read through all the thread, but Im assuming custody/access arrangements have been formally agreed, in which case a letter from the OP's solicitor to the father's outlining the arrangements for handover and inviting his comments if he disagrees and his reasons why should suffice (since he cant have any legitimate objections to the child being presented to the aunt/granny). If he fails to hand the child back at the appointed time then he would be in breach of the court order outlining custody arrangements.

[Mondeo Man]

unless the ex fails to return my son...

 

...It would be like using my son as a pawn in some game of oneupmanship...

 

...I don't want to destroy the relationship my son has with his father...

 

...I just want my son in my arms.

 

No offence, but that's four times you've described him as "my son".

 

Shouldn't it be "our son"