Collecting a Child

[Babooshka]

I am sad to say it only gets worse.

 

It turns out that after he came in to my house and went through everything, and realised that I did not love him, he went home and told his girlfriend to come off the pill cos he was ready to start a new family. She was beside herself with glee that he had finally decided he loved her and wanted a family with her. She dutifully did what he asked. He bought her an engagement ring.

 

Now that he has decided he does not want children with her. Does not love her. That he was acting as a deranged imbecile when he told her he did, and that he only ever wants to be with me.....she is going to have a termination. EVEN SHE is sending me messages to tell me he is desperately in love with me, and that I need to let him in to my life. Oh my GOD. I am absolutely beside myself with desperation at the futility of this situation. Everyt time I think it can not get any worse, it does! I just can't cope with this anymore, and I don't know what to do.

 

I am having therapy...not least because I HAVE to for a course I am doing, but it is just not helping. I am on the verge of a total breakdown. I can not deal with this termination in this instance. It was a planned pregnancy. What the HELL am I going to do??????????????????????????????????????????????

[Redstripe]

Do nothing. As harsh as it sounds all of this is their problem. From what you've said you haven't led to the breakdown of their relationship in any way so anything that happens as a result ie the termination is not your fault either.

 

Just be thankful that this guy is an ex and concentrate on making you and your child happy. I know that's a bit of a cliche but it really is all you can do when faced with the kind of person he appears to be.

[Suffragette1]

I am sad to say it only gets worse.

 

It turns out that after he came in to my house and went through everything, and realised that I did not love him, he went home and told his girlfriend to come off the pill cos he was ready to start a new family. She was beside herself with glee that he had finally decided he loved her and wanted a family with her. She dutifully did what he asked. He bought her an engagement ring.

 

Now that he has decided he does not want children with her. Does not love her. That he was acting as a deranged imbecile when he told her he did, and that he only ever wants to be with me.....she is going to have a termination. EVEN SHE is sending me messages to tell me he is desperately in love with me, and that I need to let him in to my life. Oh my GOD. I am absolutely beside myself with desperation at the futility of this situation. Everyt time I think it can not get any worse, it does! I just can't cope with this anymore, and I don't know what to do.

 

I am having therapy...not least because I HAVE to for a course I am doing, but it is just not helping. I am on the verge of a total breakdown. I can not deal with this termination in this instance. It was a planned pregnancy. What the HELL am I going to do??????????????????????????????????????????????

 

Oh God, Babooshka, how awful for you. I am not surprised that you're on the verge of a breakdown, what a selfish b/stard.

 

You can't be responsible for them, nor are you. They have made their life choices and you should not suffer the consequences of them. If she is prepared to have an abortion on these terms, then she can't have wanted a baby much in the first place, despite the fact that it was planned. None of this is your fault, your ex has known the score all along if he chooses to delude himself that he can somehow worm his way back into your life, then he's the one who needs the therapy quite frankly.

 

It's always good to talk these things through however, if you need to offload at any time of day or night, you can always phone Samaritans on (0114) 276 7277 or the national number on 08457 90 90 90. Sorry that the therapy isn't helping, however, you're still reeling from this latest development and probably still trying to digest it all.

 

Remember, you are not responsible for the ex, his girlfriend or their unborn child. You just have to try and accept that it is out of your control and leave them to wallow in their own mess and sort it out.

[Babooshka]

It is just so hard. Seeing my therapist tomorrow. My thoughts processes are just going round in circles.... 'I used to love him, before he changed'......'he did treat me dispicably'.....'if I was with him my son would have his father around' (which my son wants more than anything, and the ex has now said he WILL move to Sheffield now if we get back together), 'his apparant re-birth might not last long'.....'it would solve all my money worries'..... and so it goes on.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Why is he so fixated on me. I am just an average girl with an average life.

[Suffragette1]

It is just so hard. Seeing my therapist tomorrow. My thoughts processes are just going round in circles.... 'I used to love him, before he changed'......'he did treat me dispicably'.....'if I was with him my son would have his father around' (which my son wants more than anything, and the ex has now said he WILL move to Sheffield now if we get back together), 'his apparant re-birth might not last long'.....'it would solve all my money worries'..... and so it goes on.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Why is he so fixated on me. I am just an average girl with an average life.

I think you need to think this through very carefully when you're much calmer and in a more rational frame of mind, at the moment you are understandably experiencing a maelstrom of emotions and guilt is a very powerful pull.

 

Regardless of why he is still obsessed with you, I do think that you need to try and put that to one side and focus on what is best for you and your son as an independent family unit. Whilst your son will naturally want his dad around would he really benefit long term if having you ex back made you deeply unhappy? What would be the impact on your son if getting back together was just prolonging the inevitable and you had to go through all this again at some future point, when your son was older and far more likely to be affected by another acrimonious separation? How would the ex feel once the honeymoon of a reconciliation was over and he was secure in the knowledge that he could behave as badly as he wanted and still win you back?

 

No disrespect to you, but I suspect that with your ex there is a element of wanting what he can't have and the grass always being greener. He has shown his true colours, could you really love someone who's behaved so appallingly, again?

[Donkey lover]

It's not your issue.

 

Top tips, unless the phone calls are about your son hang up. You have nothing to talk about except him.

 

DO NOT phone him unless it's about your son.

 

I wish you all the best

 

Ps you ain't average!

[Babooshka]

Actually, she DID come off the pill before he asked her too. Crikey. So, am not so upset, now. Although, he DID come up last night for parent's evening at school. We talked, and he had a total breakdown about how I am his one true love etc...and that his girlfriend is now saying that she will only have the baby if he marries her, even though she knows he does not love her.

 

They live in the weirdest world I have ever known. I told him to just leave me out of everything, and to never contact me again, and that if she continued to verbally abuse me (she called ME all sorts of names down the phone), then my son would not be going in to that environment again. I told him not to contact me AT ALL until he had sorted out his life, and himself.

 

He has agreed.

Fingers crossed.

[Suffragette1]

Actually, she DID come off the pill before he asked her too. Crikey. So, am not so upset, now. Although, he DID come up last night for parent's evening at school. We talked, and he had a total breakdown about how I am his one true love etc...and that his girlfriend is now saying that she will only have the baby if he marries her, even though she knows he does not love her.

 

They live in the weirdest world I have ever known. I told him to just leave me out of everything, and to never contact me again, and that if she continued to verbally abuse me (she called ME all sorts of names down the phone), then my son would not be going in to that environment again. I told him not to contact me AT ALL until he had sorted out his life, and himself.

 

He has agreed.

Fingers crossed.

So it looks like he's met his match, he's with someone as manipulative and dysfunctional as he is? I pity the child, if she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy.

 

I suspect, and I'm sorry to say this, that he won't leave you alone. If he hadn't behaved so badly and decided to decamp for someone else, then you'd still be together. In true form he has only realised what he had when he no longer has it, which was his choice.

 

Can you bar the girlfriend's number?

[medusa]

What a horrible set of circumstances to even consider bringing a child into. I think that removing your son from that environment can only be positive Babooshka.

 

He needs to sort his head out and decide his own priorities. If his son matters to him then he'll sort out his home and personal life- crossed fingers that he really does understand things the way he appeared to last night

[Babooshka]

Can't bar numbers to my mobile telephone. Have contacted O2 before about it. Plus, she sometimes uses my exes telephone to send awful text messages, and I hear her going on at me in the background when HE calls me. His calls have only just started again, and, initially they were about our son, but have now stopped upon my request, unless it is an emergency, or solely about our son.

 

Christ. She is a lunatic, a deranged wailing banshee.

I never realised how well-adjusted I was until I met this unstable, pathetic example of a woman. Let's hope she makes a better mother.