Story - Alec & Nikki

[Ron Blanco]

Here's my belated effort for October's 'crash' theme:

 

Alec & Nikki

 

All comments and suggestions are very welcome.

[maidinsheff]

Hi Ron

 

I have read your story but think I need to re-read it more thoroughly - unfortunately I sort of sussed out the ending fairly quickly which spoiled it for me and had me skipping forward to see if I was right, which I was. I'm not sure that the argument works - there doesn't seem to be any real build up to the nastiness and the sudden 'wedding's off'! It all feels a bit too flimsy.

 

I'll have another go and see if I feel any differently. Maybe a more unpredictable ending would help!

 

MIS

[Ron Blanco]

Hi MiS,

 

I wasn't aiming for an unpredictable ending in this story. But nor was I aiming for flimsy, so I may have failed in that respect. In my experience arguments appear out of nowhere, but it's useful to know how you viewed it. Thanks for reading and commenting.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Ron,

 

An interesting story with some pretty good dialogue. I think the following sections could do with some subtle tweaking:

 

I didn't anticipate the exact ending but I had a pretty good idea that Alec was going to have a road traffic accident because of this early repetition:

 

Line 11 “Sorry babe, I’m stuck behind three lorries. Have been for about five miles. So I’ll be a little while yet, I’m afraid.”

 

Line 18 “I will, but, these bloody lorries.”

 

Line 11 could be "I'm stuck behind a lorry" (not three)

Line 18 could be deleted.

 

Alec shuffled in his seat. His back felt sticky. Nikki’s voice was more agitated now.

“I need to let her know about the menu.”

 

The underlined section is 'telling' - show the reader ie:

Alec shuffled in his seat; his back felt sticky."I need to know about the sodding menu," she said. (Her speech shows she is agitated.)

 

“I think pink is great. I think blue is great. Now would you please just shut the **** up?”

Nikki jerked the phone away from her ear and froze for a few seconds.

“I’m going home. The wedding’s off.”

 

I agree with Maidinsheff, the argument escalates too quickly. How about moving Cheryl from the beginning of the phone call and using her as the trigger:

 

Nikki jerked the phone away from her ear and froze for a few seconds.

"Who's in the car with you Alec?"

"No-one."

"It's Cheryl isn't it? that's why you're late, I should have known!"

"Babe, look-"

"Don't you babe me! YOU PROMISED!"

"Nikki-"

"Sod you Alec, sod you and sod the wedding - It's off. You can sodding well have her."

 

Alec was dizzy with frustration. He bashed his head against the steering wheel, again and again, causing the car to lurch one way and then the other.

 

This doesn't seem right. First, Alec seems to be an 'in control' kind of guy, although I could imagine him hitting the steering wheel with his fist, second, physics, the last time I tried to bang my head against the steering wheel ('Hillsbrough tramgate' ) the inertia reel seatbelt thwarted my attempt.

 

The repetitive movements of the wipers, and the soft sound of rubber sliding across wet glass, slowly soothed her.

A young family appeared at the café exit. The dad strolled proudly to his car and drove over to pick up the rest of his family.

 

This doesn't ring true, if it is raining heavily enough for the father to fetch the car to the door, it's unlikely he 'strolled proudly' - he is more likely to 'dash quickly'

 

Nikki watched the vehicle until it was out of sight. She released her clutch on the mobile phone…

 

The words 'Vehicle' & 'released her clutch' instantly tricked me into thinking she was about to set off & follow the car, not drop the phone - a small literary pothole that trips the reader.

 

By the way, when she leaves the café car park, show the reader she's still forgotten to fasten her seat belt. (for an extra twist: maybe she is heavily pregnant and can't get the belt round her?) This is important with what I'm about to suggest later.

 

"Impulsively, she made another call."

 

"He peered round the lorry, anxiously."

 

If it ends in 'ly' - look again, it's an adverbial modifier that could probably be deleted, "She made another call" is just as good. "He peered around the lorryand ignored the sweat running into his eyes." [showing anxiety]

 

‘That girl. Why all the fuss, and stress? Good bloody riddance to the wedding, and to her. Favours, for God’s sake.’

 

The underlined section doesn't look right, he writes her off too quickly, could probably be deleted or replaced with a rhetorical 'what have I done to deserve this?'

 

‘I must catch up with Nikki.”

 

This line puts them on the same road, I'd probably delete it, we're about to find out this fact in a spectacular way and this pre-cursor spoils the surprise.

 

In that split second he could tell that, more than anything, she just wanted to be with him. Behind his own horror-stricken features, a loving smile started to form, as they came together one last time.

 

I'm not sure about the ending, whilst I like the 'time slowing down' moment it goes on too long and is too dreamlike; it needs to accelerate into a short, sharp smash to finish the story on.

 

The writing at the end has to be much tauter, if you read it from "He pulled out again" it sounds like a disinterested witness statement. I would try to write it so that Nikki phones him back just as he pulls out, he glances down at his phone just as the Volkswagen comes around the bend…

 

"He punched the button and heard Nikki screech "OHMYGOD!" her voice was cut short by a massive impact that stopped his car dead. His eyes snapped forward straight into her horrified face as she flew through the windscreen towards him."

 

THE END oh yeah.

 

There you go Ron, I know you like a detailed critique; I hope you find some of the above useful.

 

PS I see you got the title link sorted too

[Ron Blanco]

ha ha ha

 

Thanks Mantaspook.

 

You managed to tear my story apart and make me laugh heartily at the same time. Seriously though, I appreciate your constructive feedback.

 

ps I think I should have added a warning: the theme is 'crash' and it involves two people driving along, so no prizes for guessing the ending!

[Geza]

Hi Ron,

 

I like the theme of the story, that the couple are meeting up to plan their wedding. Also that they're are arguing over trivial things. I think lots of couples fight in the run up to their wedding. I also didn't guess that they would both collide with each other; I thought it would just be one of them so I was trying to guess which one. I certainly didn't think it was flimsy but I do think that you've got some good advice from Mantaspook. I tend to agree with most of what he said- except from the ending actually... I think that in cases like that time does slow down. It's strange what you think about too.

 

Geri

[Ron Blanco]

Thanks Geza. I tried for a gently tragic ending. The intention was not to shock, but to show, through dialogue, a scene where two people who just want to be together are driven apart by things that shouldn't really matter. Needs a bit of work. Thanks for reading and commenting.