First chapter of draft story for children

[maidinsheff]

Here's something I have been working on for too long and have become very disillusioned with - any comments (particularly encouraging ones) would be most welcome.

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1289939679.doc

[coyleys]

Well it’s nicely written, the dialogue is good, you’re quite good with the descriptive work, although I have no idea where it’s going yet. You obviously have the basic plot in mind. If that was the first chapter, then I would suggest you end with a bit of an enigma, making the reader think – Oh! That was interesting; I wonder what is coming next. But start chapter two with a digression – bringing a different part of the story into play – and finish similar. Every chapter giving a little bit of the plot, eventually all coming together. “he slays the dragon and saves the damsel“. Opps! wrong story.

I look forward to reading more.

Nice one Sheff.

[sauerkraut]

Hi MIS, I’m not Mantaspook but I saw your appeal on your other thread and it made me want to take a look. I like to seek out stories to read with my son and am glad when they don’t revolve around snot and farting .

 

So I had a read, and although I was interested enough to want to read on I don’t think my son would be. Why? Because not enough happens. The chapter is basically all scene-setting.

 

But please don’t let that discourage you – (a) because it’s only one person’s opinion and (b) because if I’m right then it’s easily fixable. How? Simple: start with chapter two. I bet that’s where the story really gets going. So plunge right in there, and weave your background info into the story bit by bit as it progresses.

 

I hope that’s of some help .

[Ron Blanco]

Hello MiS,

Mantaspook's excellent critiques are much sought after, but sadly for us he is a very busy man.

 

I am in the same boat as you, working on a children's story, so i'm interested in the feedback you get here. I thought there were some really nice bits of writing in your story. I particularly liked these bits:

 

"the dark fringe of hair which usually stuck out at an odd angle from under his hat had been flattened by the drizzle and now stuck to his forehead like a question mark"

 

That was an outstanding image, I thought. And in this next bit:

 

"He hunched the heavy bag onto one shoulder"

 

'Hunched' is so much better than a less specific word like 'lifted'. But I wasn't sure about this later bit:

 

"Kyle Baxter, an ugly fourteen year old with pimples, ran up to Tim"

 

because I thought the association between ugly and pimples might not be welcomed by your potential readers.

 

I think Coyleys and SK make astute points. Coyleys doesn't know where it's going, and SK thinks not enough has happened. I think these are both very relevant observations, and both are elements that you need to get across early on.

 

I'd also consider if the writing is consistent for the intended age. In your story you start with bunny rabbits but later move onto dad's "raison d'etre". There has to be some latitude allowed, but I wondered if these might be examples where you are straddling, rather than hitting, the intended readers. Just a thought.

 

Overall I think it is really nice writing, but with some key aspects that need addressing.

 

Cheerio

Ron

[Allo1010]

I agree with most of what Ron Blanco said, although I think if you changed pimples to acne or spots then it would probably flow nicer.

 

Overall, I liked it and I eagerly await the second chapter =p

[Mantaspook]

Hi Maidinsheff,

 

I can understand why you've become disillusioned with this opening; the opening hook in the first few lines is absent, or rather, you set the reader up for a story about rabbits in a rocky cove then the rug is pulled from underneath them and the story is re-started in the car. Not a good beginning.

 

The rest of the story, as Saurkraut has already observed, is mostly scene setting. The main problem is that it simply doesn't inspire the reader to continue which could be due to the following reasons:

 

1. Overpopulated with characters.

 

The initial chapter is approximately 1600 words long, you introduce twelve characters by name. This is too many to track and because you have to spend time describing the action they barely get a mention beyond a name check.

 

Here are your characters, and what we learn, in order of appearance.

 

Dad - Constantly exasperated by the antics his day-dreaming son. Drives a BMW. (Therefore well off?)

 

Erwin Timothy Peterson-Hope (Tim) - The protagonist. Nerdy, (he likes astronomy) bullied, socially inept due to his day-dreaming, nevertheless he has three 'best' friends at school. Age 13-14? Possibly just becoming interested in girls, in particular the aloof Becky Green.

 

Scarlett - A mute, apparently, she doesn't say a word!

 

Paul - Tim's best friend, another nerd with sticky-up hair, he owns a telescope but it's not as good as Tim's, probably less prone to day dream and spends a lot of time keeping Tim's spirits up.

 

Kyle Baxter - Acne ridden chief bully.

 

Aunt Grace - Old, pretty, artist, owns a shop, looks a bit like his mum.

 

Barmy Barnett - Teacher of English, no real explanation why he has been christened 'barmy' - shouts at Tim (probably for day dreaming)

 

Tom & Sam - Tim's other best friends. (Name checks only.)

 

Mr Shortbrook - The school caretaker. (Name check only.)

 

Becky Green - Aloof, possibly attractive and unobtainable to Tim, love interest?, if so, surprisingly no description of her appearance, the only other salient fact we're told is that she owns an umbrella.

 

Bindi - The flame haired, evil stepmother that resembles a snake; drives a silver two-seater sports car, probably bought with dad's money.

 

Right, at this stage you have to decide three things.

 

(1) What is your story going to be about?

 

(2) What 'hook' will you use to intrigue your reader to continue?

 

(3) How do you want chapter 1 to end?

 

Using only four of the above twelve characters, how are you going to achieve this? - remember you can introduce the other eight characters as the story progresses.

 

Suggestions

 

(1) Using the above character notes, an adventure story aimed at the early teen market, the protagonist is Tim and he will encounter great danger whilst exiled to Hawker's cove, possibly defeating pirates / smugglers & Kyle Baxter along the way, he'll also win the heart of Becky Green and have lots of adventures with his mates, plus his telescope will be really handy at some part of the story.

 

(2) The hook could be that Paul has learnt something has happened at Hawker's cove and conveys this breathlessly to Tim, what could it be? Perhaps Aunt Grace has mysteriously disappeared? Strange lights in the sky seen through his telescope? A sighting of a ghost ship?

 

(At no point should anyone say "If it wasn't for you pesky kids I'd have gotten away with this…" copyright Scooby Doo)

 

(3) Chapter 1 could end with the prophetic words "Perhaps I ought to take my telescope after all…"

 

2. Character names

 

Think about your choice of character names, Kyle Baxter is an excellent choice for a bully, not least because every Kyle I know is a little chuff. Mr Shortbrook, excellent name for a caretaker, it implies stoutness, someone you can rely on.

 

However, Erwin Timothy Peterson-Hope for the main protagonist… to paraphrase Robin Williams in 'Good morning Vietnam' - "We've gotta requisition you a new name!"

 

Tim sounds like the beginning of timorous, not a good quality for your protagonist, unless the idea is to show how he develops over the course of the book. Also one of his friends is called Tom, can you imagine writing a scene with Tim & Tom To you, to you, to me, to me… - well you get the idea, they sound too much alike.

 

Where'd you get Bindi from? - is she Australian?

 

These two names need a re-think.

 

3. Tone.

 

The tone of your story is flat, very little happens apart from setting the scene. You've actually done a very good job of creating a dank, horrible scene at the school and forewarned the reader that Hawker's cove is 'boring with a capital B' - not something for the reader to look forward to, is it?

These are the sections that set the wrong tone:

 

"he stepped out and into a muddy puddle."

 

"He looked up in time to see Scarlett, his little sister, smiling bleakly at him."

 

"The dark fringe of hair which usually stuck out at an odd angle from under his hat had been flattened by the drizzle."

 

"Nope, but I will have to put up with my Aunt Grace and you have no idea what she’s like."

 

"Not that there was a real snowflake in sight. It had been a typical winter so far; damp and foggy and miserable."

 

"Hawker’s Cove for five weeks!" He muttered under his breath. "Five stinking weeks with nothing to do."

 

"Tim’s mind kept drifting away to the lonely cottage near the cove. To rooms which smelled like oily seaweed and were dark and dingy and then to the curving windswept beach at the foot of the rocks. Hawker’s Cove sounded like a place where you could have great adventures but it was nothing of the sort. It was boring: Boring with a capital B."

 

Have a go at re-writing it so that Tom can't wait to get there, the tone has to be one of optimism, he is escaping the drab school and is looking forward to seeing his favourite Aunt Grace. (Incidentally, I'd make her as nutty as a fruitcake to act as a comic counterfoil to all the serious adventure stuff)

 

You can add the odd humorous line anywhere to lighten the mood, using a technique called 'observational-dialogue repetition.'

 

For example:

 

 

Tim looked across the yard and saw a disconsolate looking Paul strolling towards him; he looked wet, like he'd just fallen in a puddle.

 

"Hello mate," said Paul, "I'm wet. I've just fallen in a puddle."

 

4.Odds and ends

I'd consider re-writing the following:

Tim’s mind snapped back to the interior of his dad’s car and he realised the vehicle had stopped moving.

‘Honestly Tim, I don’t know where your head is these days.

You tell the reader his mind snaps back and then the dialogue tells the reader yet again - repetition.

 

Paul's introduction.

. Tim raised his hand as if to wave but then remembered where he was and stopped himself.

‘You still have to go then?’ Paul, Tim’s best friend, arrived alongside him,

 

Too clunky, dialogue isn't attributed correctly and you simply tell us that Paul is his best friend.

 

How about:

 

 

Tim was about to wave when he was bumped from behind

 

"Hello mate!" said Paul, "Long time no see."

 

"I saw you yesterday, you nutter."

 

"Oh yeah, I forgot! You still bogging off to Snoozeville-by-sea then?"

 

"It's called Hawker's Cove, actually. And I've just discovered something very interesting…" said Tim.

 

Also:

 

‘Hey, they do snail mail you know. We could write to each other. It’ll be one way of keeping in touch. Ow!’

 

Snail mail is computer slang, I'd consider deleting this as it instantly dates your story, 1985 -2010 on the other hand, your target audience may know this slang. Possibly they'd snigger - writing a letter! - wouldn't text messaging be more probable?

 

Anyway, that's my analysis but you could also study some other books too, have a look at the Sparknotes for Harry Potter & the philosophers stone. Particularly the Chapter one analysis.

 

Note that in Chap. 1 JK Rowling only introduced four main characters by name, she hints at Harry Potter's destiny and makes a veiled mention of his nemesis, thus creating a setting for the story, if not the entire series of books.

[maidinsheff]

Hi Mantaspook

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to review my first chapter. You have confirmed much of what I already suspected, truth be known. I was getting bored writing this story so it was never going to inspire anyone to read it, I guess.

 

I think I need to go back to the drawing board with it and have a rethink. It is a finished piece of work so far as a complete story is concerned but I have rather lost my way with it and overworked it all. The original (written several years ago) was much fresher (although full of spelling errors and rather dodgy grammar). Maybe a rest from it will help me get back some of that freshness.

 

I will certainly keep all you have said in mind for the future.

 

I for one will miss you on SWG. Sigh.

Hope Blanco knows what he is in for

 

MaidinSheff