Alcoblog Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 It can now be announced that after last minute talks Stevie 'boy' Hawking will be replacing Santa this Christmas! The agreement was hammered out on thursday between Santa and 'the boy' at a secret grotto location deep in the bowels of my facility. The heavily modified sleigh sees many improvements. Rudolph is to be replaced by a Lynx MK9 helicopter (complete with a red nose cowling). This is capable of travelling through space and time and should ensure a complete success rate for deliveries in the 'present' time frame. Other improvements from the traditional delivery methods include a special crack team of 'chimney descenders' enrolled from a specially trained division of the SAS. (Stevie feels reluctant to shimmy down chimneys himself and just wants to do the driving) These 'descenders' are capable of delivering presents of upto 243 Kg down the chimneys of lucky recipients in their tinsel encrusted backpacks. If the chimney is blocked they have the option of blowing a wall out to ensure total present delivery satisfaction. Other shock news is that santas little helpers have been ousted for elf and safety reasons. They are to be replaced by Stevie's mates and include Richard Dawkins, John Travolta and the Christmas Spice Girls. They will be 'coming to a chimney near you' very soon! This move is pretty controversial and there are yet some points to iron out ... any comments would be appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alex3659 Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 I put a thread on about ordering my turkey from ashley peacock yesterday and that has vanished, along with my turkey. This thread will soon be gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mort Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 As I live in a flat with no chimney access I'm slightly concerned about the Sas blowing out a wall, tinsel encrused backpacks or not it could really take the shine off christmas morning to have half the wall removed. Could they just knock on the door instead? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted December 11, 2010 Author Share Posted December 11, 2010 By the way ... Stevie 'boy's DEC talk DTC01 voice synthesizer has been reprogrammed by none other than Bill Gates to shout 'Yo ho ho ... Happy Chrismas! to all and sundry at the blink of an eyelid! (Stephen hawkings is a hero of mine and has an excellent sense of humour. Take his appearances in the Simpsons for example... I'm not putting him down) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted December 11, 2010 Author Share Posted December 11, 2010 As I live in a flat with no chimney access I'm slightly concerned about the Sas blowing out a wall, tinsel encrused backpacks or not it could really take the shine off christmas morning to have half the wall removed. Could they just knock on the door instead? No... they're highly trained and have night vision goggles. They'll just blow the wall out behind the Chrismas tree so you won't really notice it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alex3659 Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 It can now be announced that after last minute talks Stevie 'boy' Hawking will be replacing Santa this Christmas! The agreement was hammered out on thursday between Santa and 'the boy' at a secret grotto location deep in the bowels of my facility. The heavily modified sleigh sees many improvements. Rudolph is to be replaced by a Lynx MK9 helicopter (complete with a red nose cowling). This is capable of travelling through space and time and should ensure a complete success rate for deliveries in the 'present' time frame. Other improvements from the traditional delivery methods include a special crack team of 'chimney descenders' enrolled from a specially trained division of the SAS. (Stevie feels reluctant to shimmy down chimneys himself and just wants to do the driving) These 'descenders' are capable of delivering presents of upto 243 Kg down the chimneys of lucky recipients in their tinsel encrusted backpacks. If the chimney is blocked they have the option of blowing a wall out to ensure total present delivery satisfaction. Other shock news is that santas little helpers have been ousted for elf and safety reasons. They are to be replaced by Stevie's mates and include Richard Dawkins, John Travolta and the Christmas Spice Girls. They will be 'coming to a chimney near you' very soon! This move is pretty controversial and there are yet some points to iron out ... any comments would be appreciated! You'll be telling me he is on stricktly come dancing next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mort Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 No... they're highly trained and have night vision goggles. They'll just blow the wall out behind the Chrismas tree so you won't really notice it! That's not quite the answer I was hoping for but I suppose windows will be easier to replace than a wall. Another slight problem has occurred to me. Traditionally of course one leaves out a glass of sherry and a mince pie for Santa. Now I might be wrong but I have a suspicion that the SAS aren't sherry drinkers so what should I leave in place of sherry? Given that they're armed with explosive and have just removed half the wall I don't want to upset them. How do they feel about mince pies? How many should I leave out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted December 11, 2010 Author Share Posted December 11, 2010 That's not quite the answer I was hoping for but I suppose windows will be easier to replace than a wall. Another slight problem has occurred to me. Traditionally of course one leaves out a glass of sherry and a mince pie for Santa. Now I might be wrong but I have a suspicion that the SAS aren't sherry drinkers so what should I leave in place of sherry? Given that they're armed with explosive and have just removed half the wall I don't want to upset them. How do they feel about mince pies? How many should I leave out? The crack SAS team has been specially trained to cope with the sherry problem ... small glasses of 'low alcohol' fortified wine are no prob! So far as your (quite reasonable) question over the mince pie conundrum is concerned ... don't worry! Any kind of pie ... be it (for the sake of argument) a Fray Bentos steak and kidney to something more akin to a top of the range Debenhams special will all be minced to the same consistency once the initial bombing is over! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mort Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 Not wishing to put a spanner in the works, because on the whole I think replacing santa with Stevie boy is a fine idea, I do think there are a few minor issues we need to iron out here. Is there likely to be a whole media storm about the '3rd elf on the balcony'? If I leave out a fray bentos pie should it have already had the lid removed or will they come equipped with tin openers as well as C4? What happens if Stevie gets into the fortified wine? We don't want a him at the helm of a modified apache gunship while loaded to the gills with cheap sherry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dozy Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 It's all well and good coming up with these new-fangled ideas, but what on earth do I leave out for an apache gunship?? I assume the usual carrot won't be acceptable. I'd appreciate a swift reply, as I'm about to finalise my Sainsbury's order. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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