LitleMermaid Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Be gentle Let me know what you think! http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1294339572.odt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allo1010 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 PARAGRAPHS!!!!!! =P I can see where you have started a new paragraph because of the space between the margin and text, but right now it really is just looking like a huge wall of text. Not very appealing :¬/ I'd like to give you some good and detailed assessment and critique but I am not an expert and seem to just lose myself in any story I read. =s Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LitleMermaid Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 I have indented the paragraphs but I think you are probably right that a blank line between them would look better. I have to double space for Uni which I hate, was probably subconciously rebelling against that Thanks for your reply! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Hi LitleMermaid, Thanks for posting your story. I enjoyed reading this. I thought it was nicely written and I was enthralled by Lucy's thoughts at this life-changing time. The misunderstanding was skilfully exposed and I'm afraid to say I did laugh at times. Men, eh! What are they like? But the ending was also nicely done, as Lucy comes to a profound realisation. The formatting, spelling mistakes, lack of title and uncommon file format are all things that may slightly put readers off. But that would be a shame because I thought you handled this emotive subject with great intelligence and sensitivity and, for me, it was a pleasure to read. Thanks for posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LitleMermaid Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks for your feedback! Spelling mistakes...apologies, I admit I haven't read it through properly to check for spelling, which is totally unacceptable As for the uncommon format-your right, this is just what I tend to write on though. Will bear it in mind and use Word in future, I didn't even think about that being a problem for anyone. I remember just being struck by the hideous three minutes of waiting for a pregnancy test to give you an answer when my sister did one at my house, and find that many of my stories do tend to explore and elaborate on the goings on and thoughts of very short spaces of time. I'm really looking forward to hopefully becoming an active member of this group now I've got a bit of a portfolio of work to my name! Short stories are my favourite things to write, but I try and be a bit of a poet when the mood takes me. Usually the results are for my eyes only though, I'm still a bit weird about sharing my work. Something else to work on there, how will I improve if I don't share? Thanks again for the post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Nice one LitleMermaid, I enjoyed this. As its been said, the presentation could have been better, and the use of Open Document Format is a bit off-putting but that’s something to work on next time. However the story flowed nicely and you handled the emotional side just right. A pleasure to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Hi Mermaid, The nail-biting, three minute wait is not an experience I've been through, but Lucy's emerging feeling of disappointment did resonate. Your intention to be an active member of the group is good news and will add to the pool of support within the group. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trixsta Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 read it too fast 1st time but will try again when mor time, very good on 1st thoughts tho! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 pretty much what rob said. you did well with old 'show don't tell' too, i felt. you can infer emotions from what said without the 'she huffed', 'she was fuming' etc. loved it. and Lucy's voice too. good stuff. i struggle with the punctuation etc too with the first few drafts. good stuff. what 'fiddy cent' would call 'a diamond in the mud.' good first go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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