January Theme - A New Start

[maidinsheff]

A New Start

 

Here's the link to my effort for the January theme. I enjoyed writing it - hope you enjoy reading it. Just a bit of light hearted fun, I hope!

[Geza]

Hi MaidinSheff,

 

[** Spoiler Alert **]

A nice story and I did enjoy reading it!- You can tell that you found it fun to write. I thought it was a nice take on the circle of life: from a grumpy old codger to an unborn baby.

[Ron Blanco]

Hi maidinsheff,

 

Funny, clever and perfectly suited to January's theme.

 

I liked the humour, particularly this moment in the queue:

 

"He reminded me of a pilchard in a stargazy pie, gaping up at nothing with wide dead eyes"

 

and the scene with the surgical gown, culminating in:

 

"...my bare buttocks squeaking on the shiny surface."

 

Great fun! But I also liked the curiosity you created whilst describing the mystery of the queue, and the riddles you set with the cards marked J, A and R.

 

In terms of how to improve, my only suggestion at the moment would be to consider whether it could be pruned, in order to make it a tad sharper. For example, take the first paragraph:

 

‘What we waiting for?’ I tapped the shoulder of the woman in front of me, expecting her to turn and answer. She didn’t. She ignored me. I asked the question again. ‘Oy, What we waiting for?’ I tapped harder, jabbing a finger into her soft skin. She continued to ignore me. I tutted, wiping my runny nose on the back of my hand. People are so bloody ignorant these days.

 

This could be rewritten:

 

I tapped the shoulder of the woman in front of me. ‘What we waiting for?’ She ignored me, so I tapped harder, jabbing a finger into her soft skin. ‘Oy, What we waiting for?’ Still no response. I tutted, wiping my runny nose on the back of my hand.

 

And then you have reduced the word count by a third without harming the story, in my opinion. I would be interested to see what impact it might have if you went through your story again with the aim of reducing your 1557 words to a mere 1000.

 

Just a thought, but a super story nevertheless, and I hope a few others will add their feedback.

[Ian Rivedon]

Hello Maidinsheff,

 

I think your piece 'A New Start' is good, and i enjoyed reading it. I don't want to comment upon the structure and grammar in your writing, as I'm not qualified to do so. However, I am a voracious reader of literature, and an indication to me that a writer has become too elaborate, is when I automatically begin to 'jump' sentences to get straight to the point. I began to do this while reading 'A New Start'.

In writing a novel, occasional floridity is probably unavoidable (unless you're George Orwell), but in a short story it is essential to cut out any 'fat'. Therefore, I agree absolutely with Ron Blanco's exceptionally helpful remarks.

You obviously have a very creative mind. Just keep writing that creativity down, and you'll begin to recognise when you're, 'over egging the pudding'.

Don't worry, all new writers do it. I'm going through the same process, too.

 

IR

[De Batz]

I like this. As a good short story generally does, if left me thinking, and wanting more of it. I'm not sure I agree with Ron and Ian about the pruning, but then, if you've read any of mine you'll see what I'm about...

 

There's an interesting problem with writing dialect-y language like this. I (literally-ish) heard this fella speaking to me - whether he was speaking (directly) in the text or whether he was narrating. The sound of the direct speech was closely reported - and welcome from a native - but the narration is more classical, RP-ish. This left me with a sort of clash. When I was listening to him speaking (to someone else), Archie had a particular voice, but when he was speaking to me (narrating) he had a different voice. Where do you draw the boundary between the speech and the narration? Don't know, and don't know whether you can (or should) change it whilst preserving the good qualities it carries at the moment.

 

Anyway, I'm glad I went back to this!

 

Andy