Which version is better?

[Kaimani]

it's for a specific event, so need it to be more a 'spoken piece' rather than one for reading. thanks.

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he never knew to look between Venus

and mars for stars. Didn't know that TV

luminaries were sorry reflections

of the diamonds in the sky. the boy got

caught up in stolen illusions of a life

that never was and never would be his.

half thought to switch channels when the judge passed

society's vengeance. Cop Locked cages

told him never to speak unless spoken to,

then never spoke to him so when he got out

he heard the streets calling and redefined

himself a street warrior. made the street

corner his world. when his castles began

to crumble no one rose to concrete kiss

them back together. he waged wars too dark

to see his foes looked and walked like him.

some will say it was all written because

when he came His mother was too close to

her own first bleeding to be a woman.

His father, the son of a gone father,

said he'd never learned to be a father.

then he went and left the girl to raise a man.

 

we should have known better than to stand on

the sidelines or turn away and say he wasn't there

should have held his hand and unfurled his fists,

weaved our fingers with his and grasped life as one.

And now that he lays in glorious sleep

as his ribs are parted from breath we hope

that when others come and seek to walk in his shoes

instead of "what are you fighting for?"

or "what are you dying for?" we will ask

‘WHAT WILL YOU LIVE FOR?

======================================================

when he came His mother was too close to

 

her own first bleeding to be a woman.

 

His father, the son of a gone father,

 

said he'd never learned to be a father.

 

then he went and left the girl to raise a man (11)

 

she never knew to look between Venus

 

and mars for stars. Didn't know that TV

 

luminaries were sorry reflections

 

of the diamonds in the sky. the boy got

 

caught up in stolen illusions of a life

 

that never was and never would be his.

 

half thought to switch channels when the judge passed

 

society's vengeance. Cop Locked cages

 

told him never to speak unless spoken to,

 

then never spoke to him so when he got out

 

he heard the streets calling and redefined

 

himself a street warrior. made the street

 

corner his world. when his castles began

 

to crumble mom couldn't to concrete kiss

 

them back together. he waged wars too dark

 

to see his foes looked and walked like him. we

 

should have held his hand and unfurled his fists,

 

weaved our fingers with his and grasped life as one.

 

And now that he lays in glorious sleep

 

as his ribs are parted from breath we wish

 

that when others come and seek to walk in his shoes

 

instead of "what are you fighting for?"

 

or "what are you dying for?" we will ask

 

‘WHAT WILL YOU LIVE FOR?

 

=====================================================

[Ian Rivedon]

There is something really interesting here.

 

IR

[Ian Rivedon]

I now see that you want to know which is the better. In my view, neither. Be brave. Decide what you want it to be, and create it. Don't ask for opinion.

 

What if you were creating a painting, or a sculpture? Would you ask if this, or that, was good? No. Neither should you with poetry. It is a work of art, defined and created by you!

 

People may offer their opinion when you've finished it. Whether you agree is another thing, but such is the life of an artist!

 

IR