Ed Miliband, the Labour leader now known as CUBE DX-9

[Stoatwobbler]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/feb/07/ed-miliband-rebranded

 

You can understand why his press advisers keep shoving him in front of the microphones and cameras. They want the voting public to get to know him. The trouble is they're getting to know him as "that drippy guy". It's not his fault. He's burdened with an inherently drippy demeanour. Image shouldn't matter, but it's impossible to blot out.

 

Rather than making Ed more accessible, his PR team should be doing the opposite. He's never going to come across as "one of us", so why not actively go in the other direction? Make him unknowably distant.

 

Here's an idea: get Ed to seal himself inside a featureless metal cube and insist on conducting all political business from within it. And vow never to be seen in public outside the box. No nerdy face for us to judge, no wet mannerisms to chortle at. Nothing to get a glib critical foothold on. Just cold, blank steel. Ditch the name Ed Miliband and insist on being referred to as "CUBE DX-9" instead.

 

CUBE DX-9 wouldn't speak, either. It would communicate exclusively via typewritten messages, each about the length of a fortune cookie prediction, which would come whirring out of a tiny slot on its front. Crucially, these would be brief, gnomic proclamations about sensitive issues that would a) be open to interpretation and b) provoke intense debate. And once any debate had started, CUBE DX-9 would refuse to be drawn into it. CUBE DX-9 never clarifies its position. It simply issues a contentious statement, maintains an enigmatic silence, and trundles away, leaving argument in its wake. Did I mention CUBE DX-9 has wheels? Well it does. It also has an ear-splitting siren that goes off whenever someone tries to touch it.