John Webster Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Hello. This is my story of Valentine's-related woe --- too long for the February 2011 competition to which it relates, so not included on that thread. While this is my story, I would be more than grateful for any feedback, both on the story generally and on whether anyone thinks it could be significantly reduced [as I have not been able to reduce it to anything like 500 words]. Thanks! Fishy Business Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Well I thought it was excellent, although I’m a bit puzzled by the ladies reactions. Great stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geza Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I thought Fay's accent was very interesting- is she French? “Or --- if you’re --- already attached --- I’ll have a standard haddock.” is a great line. A very amusing piece. Poor Emily- did she think she wasn't worthy of being asked out and so assumed she was being teased? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Webster Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks, coyleys and Geza, for your comments and your kind words. Fay's origin was half East Anglian, half East Midlands [apologies to the doubtless many East Anglians and East Midlanders who have never pronounced a 'u' as an 'i'!!!]. Emily was, indeed, embarrassed by being asked out, [a] because she suspected that she was being teased, and because it was done with such forthright language, in a public place, with an audience. Fay was vocally protective of her friend and colleague. The piece is not wholly autobiographical but I have certainly asked someone out in the past with the best and sincerest of intentions, only to reap a bit of a whirlwind. I'm also partial to a standard haddock! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidinsheff Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Hi John I enjoyed this - my sort of off beat story. I am not sure about the accent (made me think more of the Queen with her typically clipped nasal British voice -tirribly tirribly hippy - and all that). I don't agree that this should be edited to hit the 500 word mark. It has the makings of a very funny short story - I think you should develop it further rather than pruning it. I don't understand Emily's reaction at all as there was no real build up to this and no obvious growing relationship with the hero. I also think the piece would benefit from being set out correctly. At the moment it is as bit like a wall of text - particuarly as it would only open as a word.exe on my PC. However, just to say that I think you should work on this - develop the characters and their relationships and I look forward to reading an updated version should there be one. MiS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Hi JW, What a great story! (Spoiler Alert - don't read this if you've not read the story) Regarding the word limit, of course your tale could have been told in under 20 words if you'd wanted to, e.g. "Lonely man asks out chip-shop girl and is given a mouthful of abuse from her friend." And I did have a go at reducing it to under 500 words, here (494 words), but I have to admit it does seem a shame to truncate your lovely long, elegant sentences. The humour in your story is wonderful, and so I would concur with MiS that it would be a joy to see you develop this further. As it stands, I think Fay's outburst is quite shocking and really transforms the whole tone of the piece from warm and amusing to quite frosty. I would also question the peculiar dialect. Given that she is half east midlander I would have expected to have come across such unusual speech during the many years I've lived in the East Midlands. On the other hand, it does add a quirky element to the story and also lessens the impact of Fay's potty-mouthed outburst. Thank you for a very entertaining read, JW. Regards Ron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Webster Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 Thank you for your interesting and thought-provoking words, Mr Blanco. I will consider further the idea of developing the story. For the moment, however, Friday night is fish night, and there's a large cod with my name on it. Au revoir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Webster Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 Just to say, thank you also to MaidinSheff for your comments, which I take on board. Apologies - I meant to acknowledge your comments earlier but forgot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
De Batz Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 For me - having lived in London for a few years - that accent is Sith Iffrikan. Good stuff, I like the way you've used the language to frame the story, and I do want to know more. Is it part of a larger story that you are keeping hidden (are we meant to ask 'why?') or is there no more than what you've shown us? Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Webster Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 Andy --- thanks for the complimentary comments --- much appreciated. Currently there is no more to the story. I haven't had the inspiration to think of how to develop it. Kind regards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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