Dear Forum.. Was this abuse, or experimentation?

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Scibe

Think about it before you do anything.Once the ball starts rolling, IT won't stop.

I don't want to sound flippant, but there be repercussions which you may want to avoid

[Dear Forum...]

To answer some of the questions posed in this thread. I am currently 27, and single.

 

I just want to get things right in my own mind about what happened. I am not concerned with prosecution or retribution of this man, as I dont feel I would be able to recall the minute details of what happened.

 

I just want to be sure in myself that what happened was inappropriate, abuse or just exploration.

 

I had always been attracted to other boys, and when the opportunity presented itself to become intimate with this individual I didn't shy away.

 

With regards to the issue about the position of trust - from talking to the individuals concerned with the leadership of the Scouts where this all happened, they were only aware of some instances of rule-breaking. I never spoke to anyone about the intimate parts of it, and neither did he. All that the leaders knew was that on a couple of occasions we were in a room together with the door shut. This was usually before the rest of the lads arrived (my Dad was in charge so I was usually there early), or after everyone had gone home. They never knew what went on behind the closed door, and as myself and the 18 year old were good friends before we joined, I guess they thought nothing of it?

[julado]

It's not neccessarily baying for blood to feel that if he was reported it could stop it from happening to other people, as it may be. Nobody knows the ins and outs, so nobody is at more of a position to say either way.

 

Quite!

 

None of us know how long ago this happened..or whether the 18 year old is still involved with the scouts. There is plenty here that we could all speculate on...but the OP asked a couple of questions.

 

All I was doing was offering options to the OP other than those already expressed by others.

[julado]

To answer some of the questions posed in this thread. I am currently 27, and single.

 

I just want to get things right in my own mind about what happened. I am not concerned with prosecution or retribution of this man, as I dont feel I would be able to recall the minute details of what happened.

 

I just want to be sure in myself that what happened was inappropriate, abuse or just exploration.

 

I had always been attracted to other boys, and when the opportunity presented itself to become intimate with this individual I didn't shy away.

 

With regards to the issue about the position of trust - from talking to the individuals concerned with the leadership of the Scouts where this all happened, they were only aware of some instances of rule-breaking. I never spoke to anyone about the intimate parts of it, and neither did he. All that the leaders knew was that on a couple of occasions we were in a room together with the door shut. This was usually before the rest of the lads arrived (my Dad was in charge so I was usually there early), or after everyone had gone home. They never knew what went on behind the closed door, and as myself and the 18 year old were good friends before we joined, I guess they thought nothing of it?

 

My previous post crossed with yours.

 

You were only 10 back then...and now you are 27. It was a long time ago and as you say you aren't looking for retribution then you have to look at what you want to do with your life now....the past is gone....leave it right there.

 

You were good friends with the 18 year old at the time...and you experimented...and only now you question whether it was abuse. I have a question....did it feel like abuse at the time? If you do then perhaps some therapy of some sort may help....if you didn't then just leave it be.

 

For the record my own partner was experimenting from a very early age...I was shocked when he said how old What you may have seen as experimenting - and there is no harm in that per se....for the 18 year old it was inappropriate....but it happened - you have to work out what you want to do with the information and where you go from here.

 

You should now have discernment....the ability to know if something is appropriate or not....you didn't have this back then. Don't let people take advantage of you....do what you WANT to do...and enjoy your life.

 

At 27 and being gay.....just get out there and strut your stuff...I reckon you won't be single long

[clairelaw123]

I am a male, and I would classify myself as gay.

 

When I was 10/11 years old I met a boy who was 18 years old. I was at that stage where I was just developing my own sexuality and took an interest in this guy. We experimented with each other for a good while. At the time I thought nothing of it, and actually enjoyed the experience, as that's what my hormones were telling me.

 

Looking back now though, I can't help but wonder if this was actually abuse?

We met via the Scouts where he was one of the leaders. I've found out that he was warned several times by the leader of the 'unit' about being alone with me, however he didn't heed these warnings and we were found a few times alone with each other, about to engage in a sexual act.

 

I'm worried now that this experience may have altered my perception of the world, or in actuality 'made' me Gay? I never thought for a moment that what we were doing was wrong, or improper. Is it still abuse if you enjoy it?

 

Please help.

 

To answer some of the questions posed in this thread. I am currently 27, and single.

 

I just want to get things right in my own mind about what happened. I am not concerned with prosecution or retribution of this man, as I dont feel I would be able to recall the minute details of what happened.

 

I just want to be sure in myself that what happened was inappropriate, abuse or just exploration.

 

I had always been attracted to other boys, and when the opportunity presented itself to become intimate with this individual I didn't shy away.

 

With regards to the issue about the position of trust - from talking to the individuals concerned with the leadership of the Scouts where this all happened, they were only aware of some instances of rule-breaking. I never spoke to anyone about the intimate parts of it, and neither did he. All that the leaders knew was that on a couple of occasions we were in a room together with the door shut. This was usually before the rest of the lads arrived (my Dad was in charge so I was usually there early), or after everyone had gone home. They never knew what went on behind the closed door, and as myself and the 18 year old were good friends before we joined, I guess they thought nothing of it?

 

 

In your first post it seemed as if they had caught you and it had been obvious that you were "about to engage in a sexual act".

[Karis]

Some of us in life choose to look back for retribution of the wrongs that were done to us....and more of our lives is then given up as a victim of it....some of us choose to move forward...letting it go...and not letting it take any more of our time.

 

As one who has been abused at an early age....I chose the latter.

 

I'm really grateful that you posted this, for I was in the same boat, and I think that rather than obsessing and demanding justice, moving forward is a much healthier state of being, one, not everyone can understand or attain (as it's so much easier to point the finger without looking at how reliving all those memories will make you feel).

[julado]

I'm really grateful that you posted this, for I was in the same boat, and I think that rather than obsessing and demanding justice, moving forward is a much healthier state of being, one, not everyone can understand or attain (as it's so much easier to point the finger without looking at how reliving all those memories will make you feel).

 

It's about knowing and understanding whether we will remain being victims to the hurts of our past..it goes hand in hand with the Serenity Prayer.

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

[Karis]

It's about knowing and understanding whether we will remain being victims to the hurts of our past..it goes hand in hand with the Serenity Prayer.

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

so, So, SO very true!!!

[julado]

so, So, SO very true!!!

 

I am full of good words and encouragement for others

[Twiglet]

It may sound harsh, but the OP is fairly irrelevant in this situation. What is important is whether this behaviour perpetuated into a cycle of abuse for the older boy.

 

Whether or not the details can be remembered, this should really be reported. It's unlikely the police would press charges over this particular case, especially if the OP said they didn't wish to do so, but it should be looked into.

 

It's fairly likely this then 18 year old was engaged in activity with other boys around that time, for some of whom it may have caused longer standing problems. It may have continued for the last twenty years and they may still hold a position of trust. There may be a long standing pattern of abuse surrounding this person, or it may have ended there.

 

All I will say to conclude is, this type of report is where many major child abuse investigations have started, and where large numbers of 'silent' victims have been discovered.