Your first funny story.

[Texas]

I remembered a funny story the other day. It was probably the first joke I was told when I was a kid. Here goes; There's this bloke who fancies a bit of grave robbing, so he gets his spade and one night, at midnight, he goes to the local graveyard and picks himself a grave and starts to dig.

He's got down quite a ways and he feels a hollow sound and he realizes he's got to the COFFIN. So he scrapes the rest of the earth and clay off the lid, and then.............. he hears a low voice.

'There's only me and thee,' the voice intoned.

The bloke freezes.

'There's only me and thee,' the voice repeated. 'There's only me and thee.'

The bloke throws his spade in the air and shouts 'And there'll be only thee, a soon as I get out of this bloody 'ole.'

So anybody remember hearing that? I reckon it must've been Albert Modley who told it, years ago. My mate, who's even older than I am, says it could be Dougie Wakefield.

Offers anyone?

[flyer]

Grabing hold of me in a grip of iron the stable drunk, drool running down his mouth told me about the time he had to go and have a big molar pulled told the dentist no pain killer had to go for job interview??? what pain and told me the time he felt pain twice as bad, taping trees in Quebec for maple syrup just had to go, so bobing down round the nearest maple tree he started to poop on the leaves where someone had hid a bear trap which sprung and fasten on his balls oh the pain, you said twice I said ,to which he reply when i got to the end of that 6ft chain oh the pain.

Now I know( found out later)that this is an old joke but because this guy had smashed legs he had a grip of steel and I HAD to stand there for at half hour, and dead drunk at 10 in the morning he was still smarter than me cold stone sober

[fleetwood]

Texas - Your old joke must have been going around at the time I heard it also, I practically remember it word for word. My old funny story is probably not quite politically correct, but here goes. A man is visiting a friend in a mental institution, he's walking up the driveway towards the building when he approaches a man doing some bricklaying and stonework, he stops to admire the guys handiwork because he is doing some beautiful intricate work. 'Your a great tradesman sir, if you don't mind me saying, are you from around here'? the man answers, 'thank you for your kind words, I'm an inmate and I live in the building'. With that they proceeded to have a conversation that went on for awhile. The visitor said 'you know, I'm going to mention you to the staff, I don't think you belong here you are too clever and smart'. 'Thank you very much, I've been trying to tell them the same thing forever'. The visitor proceeded on his way, suddenly something hit him on the back of his head, dropping to his knee's, he looked around and a half a brick is laying there, he looked further back and the man is shouting, 'now you won't forget now will you'!

[normanmarina]

My mum told me this one many years ago.

American couple visiting Sheffield,driving through Stocksbridge, they are not quite sure how to get in to the city.They stop and ask an old man,"Hi,do you know the way to Sheffield?" He replies,"Course I bloody do...I were born there!!"Then walks away.

[cuttsie]

Billy Graham faith healer at Sheffield city hall,two blokes come up to stage,Billy to first bloke whats up wi thee! I can,t talk right says man in a funny voice, well go behind that curtain says Billy and wait while we all pray for you, Billy to 2cd bloke and whats up wi thee! i can,t walk right says man and hobbles of behind curtain to join funny talker.

Billy does a lot of praying and gesturing and pulling funny faces and gets every one to join in .he then shouts to the bloke who can,t talk right my son you are now cured what have you got to say for theesen to which the reply comes back in a funny voice he,s fell down.

[maxyross]

This old joke came from a period when Red Adair was renowned for putting out oil-well fires.

 

An oil well exploded into flames and left a huge crater. They called for Red Adair and offered him £1m but he turned it down as the fire was so intense. So, they sent for Green Adair, an Irishman who turned up in his battered old Transit van at the edge of the crater and carried straight on down into the flames. Out jumped 10 Irish navvies who beat out the flames with spades and their Donkey jackets.

 

Green Adair and his men tramped back up out of the crater and a news reporter asked him what he was going to do first with his £1m. The reply was "Get the van's feckin' brakes fixed".

[Gerry]

Hi Texas, "There's only me and thee" was one of the first jokes my dad told me when I was a kid. Another one was about the man who had a dog that did it's business in a bedroom. Each time the dog did it's business the man rubbed the dogs nose in it and threw it out of the window. At the end of the week the dog was doing it's business, rubbing it's nose in it and jumping out of the window.

[herbiegrass]

My Grandad was walking along the street with a lurcher on it's lead, a mate of his came toward him " do's your dog bite" he asked. "nay lad" said grandad. to which the bloke went to stroke the dog who promptly grabbed his fingers and took two of em to the bone. " bleedin hell,thought your dog dint bite"! said the bloke. "it's not my dog" said grandad, and went on his way....

[Texas]

I'm glad somebody remembers these old jokes. I thought of another one, very old, about a blacksmith and his apprentice. It's not the 'I'll nod my head and you hit it joke, but it's damn well close.

The blacksmith was gripping a piece of white hot iron in the tongs and beating it with a heavy hammer. A tiny piece of the iron chipped off and went in his eye.

'Kin' helll, he hollers, my bleedin' eye'.

At the same time slinging the iron and tongs through the window and the hammer through the door in his anguish.

The apprentice, noting all this, and trying to please, starts to drag the anvil toward the the open door.

'What the bleedin' hell a tha' doin,' the blacksmith shouts.

'Well, ah thought we were gooin' to work outside,' the apprentice says.

[max]

I remember the first grown up joke my father told me:

 

A man went to the doctor and told him he had diarrhoea to which the doctor asked him "How long have you known you've had diarrhoea?"

 

"Since I took off my bicycle clips", was the reply.