April 2011 theme and competition entries

[LFT1]

Awakenings

 

I became aware of the world in that unreal way that occurs prior to waking from a deep sleep. Noises, indistinct at first but rapidly sharpening to discernable sounds, voices, activities. Followed explosively in my consciousness by nosmic input and light.

 

The first smell was me. My sweat, both stale and fresh, as if I’d been sweating on and off during the unconscious period and the odour was trapped in the fabric surrounding me. The second was dusty with a sharp overtone of fish. My stomach turned over with disgust.

 

The light I could see through my closed eye lids was in a band. A stream from my left side at about 30 degrees from my head and ran down, across my body and beyond. I could feel the heat from the light, but instead of warming me, it made me aware that the areas in the shade were chilled.

 

Before opening my eyes I tried to put everything together. The noises came from all directions. A low tone drone, distant, but definitely from above. Perhaps a prop plane? Below me muffled voices, low tones again and the clumping as of leather on wood at irregular intervals.

 

To the right more sounds. A squeaking and muffled groans. No, not groans, more grunts. Like someone putting a lot of concentration in to a repeated action. It seemed to occur in spurts. Sometimes slower, sometimes faster and accelerating. Then, pausing before beginning again.

 

I returned my ears to the other side, slightly behind my head. This sound seemed to be getting closer and more squeaky. There was an occasional ‘tink’ noise and a lot of scuffling.

 

I knew somehow that I should be concentrating on that sound, the approaching one. Anything coming closer has to be more disturbing than distant noise but I just couldn’t seem to focus on it. The grunts were distracting me. I struggled to place the sounds through the haze and throbbing that had established itself in my head. I should know what it is. It just wouldn’t come to the surface of my consciousness.

 

I was exhausted. My body ached all over and the pain in my head was ratcheting up by the moment. What had happened to me? How had I arrived in this state and where was I?

 

Suddenly all attempts at putting it together were abruptly halted by a sharp blow to the stomach. My eyes flew open at the same time as the light flooded in, blinding me temporarily.

 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Uncle John, happy birthday to you! Did you have a good party last night, Uncle John? Mum and Dad are still in bed. You must have stayed up really late. Granddad said you were all in a state. What does that mean? We made you some breakfast. Granddad helped. He said you would love to have kippers for your special birthday breakfast so we both made them and here you are!”

 

Ah yes, stopping at George’s after my 40th. The joyous sounds of suburbia.

 

Lft1

[Lady Agatha]

Another one from me...

 

The Wake Up Call

 

Dear Frank

 

Your mother telephoned this morning. She wanted to know if we were going for dinner on Sunday. I said you'd probably be there but not me. I didn't say why - I'll let you tell her.

 

Because I've decided to leave you, Frank. I'm sorry. I've packed up everything that's mine and I'll be gone when you get home. I'm trying to make this as easy as I can for you. There's a shepherd's pie in the oven. Just turn the dial on the left to 200 and let it cook for 40 minutes. Then sort out a tin of peas - you'll find them in the cupboard above the washer. Empty them into a saucepan and heat for a couple of minutes. Your work shirts for the next week are washed and ironed.

 

If you look in the bread bin you'll find a box with my engagement ring in. It's had a good bit of wear now - well you know its barely been off my finger this past 8 years - but you might still get a decent payout for it at the jewellers in the precinct. You might need a bit of extra cash as I'm taking the car. Well you did spend my birthday money when you bought it so I feel that it belongs to me.

 

I expect you'd like me to give you a reason why I'm going. Well I've decided that I want more from life then being your fiancee. I have relatives in Berlin (as you often remind me) and they have got me a job teaching English over there. I know you don't like the idea of going abroad so you won't follow me. Goodbye Frank, I will miss you.

 

Jane

 

PS Give my best to your mother, and giver her that big box of washing powder that's in the garage (to the left of the door - a big white box with Whiter Wash written on it).

 

XX

 

 

Lady A

[greg2]

JUST ANOTHER FRESCO

 

That morning Lorenzo climbed as usual through the trees towards the hilltop of Montone, and on to the church at the top of the hill. This climb was familiar now, after nearly three months lodging in an upper room in Signora Valentini’s small villa down on the plain. Father Antorini, who had approached him with the commission to paint a series of frescos in the church, had also suggested that during the work he might lodge with Signora Valentini.

 

The lodging had proved satisfactory. The eggs from Signora Valentini’s chickens meant there was usually a light breakfast, while in the evening Lorenzo would visit one of the town’s two trattoria for a meal and some wine. Relieving himself behind a tree as he walked back down the hill, he would bid Good Night to the Signora before climbing the narrow staircase to his room. If during the night further relief was required, a small shuttered window opened over the terracotta roof of an outbuilding, affording discretion and only a slight sound.

 

But opening the shutter one night Lorenzo had heard a quiet sobbing. Was there a redness around the Signora’s eyes at breakfast? He spoke to Father Antorini.

“I fear the Signora will still be grieving the loss of her husband, Lorenzo. He was a stone mason who fell to his death while working on the church. We must pray that the Holy Mother comforts the Signora.”

 

Lorenzo had now completed four frescos, and today he must decide the composition of the last, which was to depict The Last Supper. The composition would need to fulfil certain expectations. The Duke, as the major patron of the church, would expect to be recognisable as a principal character – perhaps Saint Peter? There would be a balance to be struck in hinting sufficiently at the large ears which were a characteristic of the Duke’s appearance, without going so far as to suggest ridicule. Father Antorini might appear to the side as a supportive onlooker. There was even a suggestion that the Duchess might expect to appear, though there was no immediately obvious role and Lorenzo in some desperation was considering a gallery to the right of the composition from which the Duchess might be contemplating proceedings. And it would be imperative that Judas bore no resemblance to anyone.

 

But these were familiar challenges for a jobbing artist. More radically, Lorenzo had been considering making this fresco incorporate the new fashion for perspective. He had seen this on a visit to Sienna, but it would be an innovation out here in the countryside. Would he succeed in creating the illusion? Would they like it? He would try it. It was just another fresco. And above Christ’s head he would have a small shuttered window, through which in the distance – there would be a sense of distance – would be a building set in fair and sunlit country, its walls being tended by a figure who might be a mason.

[aardvark6535]

Awakening, "Bay of pigs" April 1961

 

Surly this can't be life, so full of trouble, so full of strife.

Gone are the day's before TV. when we could sit, talk and read quite peacefully.

Now the day's are getting darker, though not through lack of light.

But through the shadow's of the gloom, which hang over this troubled life.

Just look through any window , into a busy street, the people that you see there are far to absorbed to speak, to absorbed in self survival to look anywhere except there feet.

But please, don't you mock them as you stand look and stare, for that window is a mirror, and it's ME AND YOU OUT THERE.

 

 

 

The Awaking of Russia & the USA. to the fact that either could/can end the world.

[maidinsheff]

Crikey Moses - I'm going to have my work cut out judging all these great stories. Thanks everyone for submitting them. Maid

[Tallyman]

Thanks to everyone who submitted such excellent stories to the April competition. Maidinsheff will be announcing the winner in this thread when she's arrived at her choice.

[maidinsheff]

Decisions Decisions – this has been a challenge. However:

 

Fat Dave – Why Babies Cry

 

Wow. You certainly set the bar pretty high with this one. It is an excellent piece of writing. I was drawn immediately into the last thoughts of the dying man. In a few sentences you were able to build a picture of an entire family, their loves and lives and their feelings for their father/grandfather. The story flows from his acceptance of the inevitable, to a glimmer of hope and joy, to reunion and ultimate happiness, and then into rebirth and into the first thoughts of a new life still hung over from the last one ....brilliant.

 

Lady Agatha – Mother’s Day

 

I like the way that you handle that feeling of grogginess, of the slow comprehension of surroundings that grows after waking from a deep sleep and then the sudden realisation that all may not be well. I particularly like the line ‘her guts kicked her out of bed’ as it completely expresses that feeling of utter panic you get when you have overslept and need to get a grip of reality. Another really well constructed and written piece.

 

MaidinSheff – Awakening



 

Kaimani – The First Movement of a Ghost Rising

 

Creepy stuff this Kaimani. The writing is intricate and demands attention but naughty naughty – the brief was to write a story in 500 words or less – I wonder if this were condensed to fit the brief, making every word earn its place, whether it would be stronger? I really enjoy your writing. It is intense, lyrical, but you do all the work and leave nothing for the reader to do; nowhere for my own imagination to take me. Writing to length is a favourite theme on the OU courses I have done. It really helps hone your skills. Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I don’t think the last sentence, ‘It would be a long week’, is necessary.

 

DeBatz – Hindsight – My Brother the Liar

 

Two clever (and infuriating) interwoven stories and I am still not sure which one of the brother’s is the liar! I get the feeling this is a story about a ‘split personality’ or maybe I’m just imagining things. Hindsight at first gave me the impression of someone struggling with his deteriorating faculties, with Alzheimer’s probably, by creating a better and more illustrious life for himself than he had actually led and seeking comfort in memories that were not really his own whilst making a laughing stock of himself. Then I realised, after reading the second story, that something darker was going on and you hadn’t revealed anything about the creature the first brother had made a bargain with.....intriguing. The protagonist in My Brother the Liar sounds a stronger more lucid character but I get the feeling he’s the alter ego and the more dangerous of the two. This the ‘creature’ with whom the bargain was struck........’my brother has for the last forty years or so, been aware of his mortality’.....he’s the computer literate one, the worldly-wise one manipulating the other brother and the anonimity of the internet.....the devil incarnate....... well done – clever writing but I’m not sure whether this is one story split into two.

 

 

Clea 4eva – One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, floor

 

This is another subtly written piece. Melanie struggling with what she thinks is a monumental hangover and so busy trying to justify said hangover that she has no concept of what has really happened. I like the way you have used dialogue too to express Melanie’s internal thoughts and her being ‘not quite with it’ and to develop her sister’s growing panic and exasperation.

 

LFT1 – Awakenings

 

A twist in the tale! I was fully expecting a crash victim being cut out of a vehicle. The way in which you have your character awakening and becoming aware of his surroundings, of the sounds and smells, of light and shade, cold and heat is very well executed and doesn’t give anything away. And it is one of those endings which makes you re-read the story and think ...’Oh, yeah, I get it now.....the kids trying to sneak up the stairs and struggling with the breakfast tray. The jolt back to reality aided by a thump in the stomach from the now impatient minors – birthday jingle at the ready. The humour – Grandad recommending kippers! Just what you need for a hangover.

 

Lady Agatha – The Wake Up Call

 

There is a whole history of a relationship in this story and a wake up call for all three characters. With just a few light strokes you have painted a vivid picture of a strong female, committed to an engagement but realising it is going nowhere and the fiancee is a bit of a waste of space. Even if writing the letter is a bit of a cowardly act she is taking charge, getting out and getting on with her life. A male who clearly enjoys being cossetted. He obviously believes he’s the one in control but is about to wake up to just how dependant and useless he really is. The mother, still wanting to be the focus of her son’s life?.........well, she can have him, and his washing too! Brilliant!

 

Greg2 – Just Another Fresco

 

Greg2, some of your sentences seem to be fragments and this makes for difficult reading at first. I wasn’t entirely sure where the story was going. However, you create an intriguing character in Lorenzo, his almost laconic, fly-by-night attitude, his boredom with the old fashioned expectations of his client/audience and his determination to be a little risque comes over clearly. I anticipated the small shuttered window above Christ’s head would be a touch of irreverence – after all Lorenzo regularly pee’d out of his bedroom’s small shuttered window onto the terracotta roof outside – but then you added another layer to Lorenzo’s character by revealing his sentimental side.

 

Aardvark6535 – “Bay of Pigs” April 1961

 

I’m old enough to remember the crisis of the ‘Bay of Pigs’ and I distinctly recall the darkness in my dad’s eyes when he remarked that ‘this will lead to another bloody war’ – he was a prisoner of the Japanese in Burma in WWII – so the darkness in his eyes had a special depth. I think your poem could relate to any such crisis as it encapsulates the trance-like self-absorbtion we are all guilty of. I think you need to work on the structure of your poem and there are places where the rhythm goes awry – I really like the line ‘Now the days are getting darker, though not through lack of light’ as it speaks volumes.

 

 

I hope everyone well welcome my comments on their work. SWG is such a talented bunch of writers but, sadly, there can only be one winner and I have truly struggled to pick which one really caught my imagination. It has to be Lady Agatha for the Wake Up Call. A deceptively clever and witty piece of writing.

 

 

MaidinSheff

April 2011 Competition Theme - Awakening

[maidinsheff]

Phew! Now I need to find a darkened room and lie down in it

Maid

[Lady Agatha]

Eeek thank you so much I'm ever so chuffed. And well done to everyone else too, that was some competition.

 

I'd better get thinking about the June theme then, as I'm off on my hols on 30th May!

 

Lady A

[Ron Blanco]

Congratulations Lady Agatha. A very clever and witty story. I thought Maid's assessment of Frank was a bit harsh though - he had been slogging away at work, after all.

 

Some really good stories, and a super competition MaidinSheff. And what great feedback you gave. I'm sure it was appreciated.