I will never treat my child as I have been treat..

[charlie9865]

Hi people just writing to ask advice, I suffer post traumatic stress disorder After having a life of mental, physical and sexual abuse

 

I wrote about one of the recent events I was faced with, I wanted to inspire people around me and maybe release my own book

I have motor neurones/cmt which is a progressive disorder which means I'm wheelchair dependant

 

My punctuation and grammar is terrible so gonna post what I wrote and was wondering if anyone can advice me on how to channge things ect

 

 

 

Hi all am bk on top and much better I have used the wheelchair 18mnth and thought I was coping*

Everything went in a blur, I spent that time feeling vulnerable

*and being vulnerable is a feeling I hate Feeling as iv had a rough childhood and feeling like that brings back terrible flashbacks.

 

I came out of hospital after 5 month of neuro rehabilitation*

I'n that 5 month I had all of 2 visits off my mum.

 

I was in 2 week and not 1 visit when I asked why????, all she could say was "I can't deal with it".

 

Again I rang to see why? she still not been four week on?, she said she wished I had never had my daughter. As she blamed the pregnancy for causing my condition to progress.

Her own grand daughter she wished away, my beautiful baby that gives me the most heart warming smile in the morning. I know what my reason for getting up is.

 

Then first time she visited me she told me how she didn't like my hair.

My eyebrows needed plucking and she said she didn't like my tracksuit*

 

So as per usual mum was on about what's important to her

I never felt so hurt but I gritted my teeth.

 

*I started seeing a neuropsychologist she *helped me through a bad time. And was getting me to deal with past.

 

As i had never dealt with my own issues would take on other peoples so I never had time to sort my own.And I also did art therapy with Sally I could work out on paper with few colouring pencils how I felt using pictures.

 

My drawings started with a dark black cave and the cave has been boarded up I'm in pitch black by the doors but it was me that boarded it to keep me safe.

The cave was under a grass mound and on top of it was people playing and having fun

 

I really enjoyed it apart from the fact that every night away from kids made it harder to leave them when they visited.

Poor ant used to be non stop on school runs and work and making sure kids saw me every night.

 

So my last month in there I told him not to come Monday to Thursday. He would come get me Friday and take me home while Sunday.

 

Living in a small 3 bed unadapted home though drove me mad.

For 12 month they said I had to have a strip wash at kitchen sink.

 

No way was that happening I thought, and it didn't. Ant would carry me up to the bath bless him.

 

(So anyway I'm getting side tracked again.)

I had target setting meeting and a review every so many month.

 

Everyone on ward would be getting excited about having a review because they wanted to go home.

 

Some had been on in the neuro rehabilitation unit at northern general for months. One of the girls mentioned had been on there a year.*

 

I remember the first day on there, I was petrified and wanted to go home.

A lot of the women where older I just felt I was gonna be alone. *As I was only young one on there.*

Their was people with a range of problems from ms to brain injuries.

 

Osbourn 4 became the first place I felt safe in, now I was in the wheel chair.

As outside I got that feeling I did not like the vulnerable feeling.

But back at hospital I felt safe, the staff where ace and it was like living with another family*

 

Weird I suppose, how things go.

(So now look at me again I started to fall off track.)

 

So my husband said he would come to my 1st *review and so did my mum.

I so could not wait for them to say I could go home.*

 

We was waiting on ward me and ant, not for doctors and neurologists but for my mum. I just clung on to thought she was stuck in traffic and gone walk in anytime soon she didn't.

 

Anyway it went well and although I cried because mum let me down. I decided i was not gonna let her see that.

 

So when she phoned, to save her feeling bad about not coming. And a rubbish excuse came out her mouth

I gritted my teeth and kept that smile on.

She may as well of just ripped my stomach out.

 

Anyway time continued, I was still seeing neuro psychiatrist and the art therapist.

 

My sister Vicky made an effort to visit me in-between working.

As for the other one 14 month younger (my other sister). Well she never came once after all years of helping her.

Running her hospital, sorting her rows, making sure she had eaten ect.

 

And she did nothing but ring me being abusive on phone.

Because I was not in a situation where I could help her.

The 5 month was up and it was time to leave the one place I had felt safe in.

 

We went back home I was so relieved to be home but also sad for the friends I made I was leaving behind. Specially nat she was my inspiration.

 

But I stayed in touch and had Corey to focus on as he was tested for cmt.

He went for. Check up and was showing signs of the condition, but only a blood test and a few month will tell.

 

I rang mum to tell her the news, dad answered and as per was very supportive.

He Said mum was out but she would ring and he would tell her.

 

Days went by and mum never rang, I phones her instead.

I was heartbroken by the end of the call.

She accused me of causing Corey pain and hoped I suffered just as much

And she told me that "when he never played football that was my fault"

 

Talk about kicking a girl when she is down.

I had not only my condition and problems to come to terms with but I was also upset and worried for Corey

 

And felt a total failure as a mum and that I was to blame. I sat crying for a while

And wrote a Facebook status saying " I would never treat my child as I have been treat".

 

( NO mention of names, but she knew who it was aimed at)

I then decided after years of mental and physical abuse enough was enough.

I spent my time when I was on my feet running round for her, and my siblings.

 

Paying off rent debt, cleaning there homes , hospital trips I spent hours at when they tried to take their own lives, helping them move home, giving them shelter when they needed and warm meals. Instead of concentrating on my self and my own.

 

And now where was they??? When I needed someone's support?

They was too busy ripping me to shreds like they had all my life.

 

So made a decision to keep them out my life.

Told mum if she had nothing nice to say don't say anything at all to me or kids.

 

First time I defended myself but it was too late the damage had already been done to me.

Mum had phoned family and my sisters saying what I wrote on Facebook.*

 

Had my sisters ring threatening me, the one 14 month younger then me gave the best threat, it went like this "best remember your legs don't work can't run when I come smash your face in".

 

Their vile words cut me like a knife And I felt like there was no point.

I would never of cried like that before was always good at ignoring.

 

Until now when I needed people most.*

I was devastated and just wanted them to care.

But they didn't, my sister continued threatening me, keyed car few times left me weird messages and just generally spent her time terrorising me.

 

I came close a few times to taking my own life as that was the only way all this would stop.

In the end I sought legal advice and had my solicitor warn them I would proceed with a non molestation order.

 

So my mum (hate associating the word mum and her together she never deserved or earned it)

Went to her solicitors about messages I first ever sent her and my sisters and had a letter sent to me by their solicitor.

 

Great now they was playing tit for tat.

I gave in and just let them continue terrorising me.

Then I had enough and phoned police out cos ok we all said things at the beginning.

But I had not bothered for months, when the police came out they could see I was the victim and my sister was trying to play one

 

They went and had words*

And I went away for a few days.

My mum bad mouthed me so much to family.

 

After months of running backwards and forwards to Kent trying to help nan. And tolerating mum trying to get at me for months

I decided I would have to cut myself off from the family as I would never be able to move on. (they didn't seem too bothered all but 1)*

 

She would do things like have relatives to come stay and would not allow them to visit me.

But when we fetched nan from Kent on our petrol and drove her back, she would arrange to meet up ect.

 

She just did her best to hurt me at every corner.

And yes for a while she succeeded, it's taken time to come to terms with.

 

And I did find support in people I least expected to (ant, mum ayers, dad ayers and boys, Lindsay, Kirsty and a few others.)

 

I know the last 18 month I have been far from easy.

And it must of been a real hard time for you all too.*

I'm just so glad you all stuck by me and that I learnt who my real friends and family are.

 

Cos I have finally woken up and come to terms with what's happening a bit more. We finally got moved in to a 3 bed adapted home, and they don't know my address. It's staying that way and if they have any sense they will stay away.

 

I forgave my mum endless and apologised when I felt I should not have just to stop the rows and the bullying.

In return I was bullied and she phoned police on me that was her latest trick.

All cos I wrote a few home truths to her.

 

How any mum can treat her disabled daughter like it I don't know.

Especially when all iv done is be there and my sisters have been ones to steal, lie and attack her.

 

They still get invited round for tea and as for me well my names mud.

But hey can't win everybody, so before you judge me or my situation stand back and ask if I deserved it?

 

Cos I know I didn't and am happy I can finally be free and loved , not belittled.

 

 

Oh and Corey test results came back negative so she wished the worst on her own daughter for no reason.

He don't even have the faulty gene to pass to his kids.

 

Just got to hope now my princess will be fine but that's a whole new other chapter*

 

Thanks for reading x

[Mr Gobby]

I'm sure people will disagree with me, and it may sound odd.I would leave it as it is

AUTHENTIC.I won't try to imagine how you life has been, but i wish you every happiness that comes your way good luck.

[charlie9865]

I'm sure people will disagree with me, and it may sound odd.I would leave it as it is

AUTHENTIC.I won't try to imagine how you life has been, but i wish you every happiness that comes your way good luck.

 

Thanks very much Hun means a lot

[De Batz]

What comes out of it for me - as you indicate in your title - is the love you bear for your own child. There is also disappointment of your situation, where love is forgotten and the people around you have fallen into a sort of self-regarding coma.

 

It would be inaccurate to say I enjoyed reading this, because I didn't. But that isn't because it wasn't worth reading! There are a lot of points of interest and enough movement in it to keep going through.

 

I'm not sure I agree about leaving it unedited, because you risk people missing the ideas for the writing. You shouldn't let the technical side of things spoil the experience for the reader. But I tend to be overly critical in this sense, noticing things that actually don't matter.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Andy