A Matter of Faith

[De Batz]

Chapter one of 'A Matter of Faith'

 

I bet that didn't work...

 

In any case, sorry for the persistence of my posting this evening, I've just found myself in a mind to do it. The above is the first chapter of a novel I'm working on, and I'd like to know if people read it and want to read more. I suppose I'm interested in knowing whether it piques your interest. I have given it an initial proofreading, so (barring howlers) it's more or less as I want it. I'd appreciate any comments on bits that are difficult to figure out or otherwise unclear in what's going on, and whether it's got legs as a story.

 

I set myself the rules of telling the story from the perspective of a film director, so no comments on the characters' internal states beyond what we can see. Another rule I set myself is that I didn't want characters to speak purely for the purpose of exposition of plot, which is to say that I have tried to be scrupulously authentic in how they speak to each other, without 'editorial' insertions in their speech to make my job as novelist easier. We'll see, I suppose.

 

So, anyway, thanks in advance for reading.

 

Andy

[De Batz]

As Christian Slater once said, "Blind me!"

 

It worked. Amazing.

[Ron Blanco]

Hello De Batz,

 

I really enjoyed this chapter.

 

I particularly liked the build up of the characters, and the tension created by the impending duel. I also liked the intrigue you created by alluding to the comment Longshawe made to De Winter's family.

 

In terms of the feedback that you are seeking, there were a couple of bits that could be improved to make it an easier read. Firstly, you sometimes indent paragraphs when a different person speaks, but often you forget to do this. Secondly, in the opening paragraphs, when James and Edward are introduced, I found it a little confusing matching the dialogue to the person. I think it would be clearer to structure it as follows:

 

Describe James

James speaks

Describe Edward

Edward speaks

 

But maybe others will comment whether they experienced the same problem.

 

I thought the chapter was nicely structured, though (given your intentions re exposition) I did find some of the dialogue in the middle section a bit contrived, as though it was for the purpose of exposition. Consequently, I lost interest during this middle section. I wonder if you could afford to be more patient in allowing the historical setting of the story to unfold more naturally.

 

A couple of the details added authenticity, such as your reference to the terms harquebus and coxwold (I had to look up harquebus, and wondered if you could have used musket instead, whereas coxwold I assumed was some sort of insult). Longshawe's recollection of a man's legs being crushed by a horse also added a good, vivid detail.

 

The duel itself was very well handled I thought. I did care about what happened, and I was pleased by the outcome. So in answer to your question: would I like to read more? - the answer is Yes.

[De Batz]

Intriguing. My version has all the paragraphs indented correctly, but for some reason the RTF has lost some of the formatting. I can see how this would make it tougher to follow. In all cases, the indented paragraphs indicate a new speaker, and without that it is trickier to read.

 

The conversation Strelley and Longshawe have in the middle of the chapter could be shifted to later on, though it is really there to give you some indication of their respective characters, rather than - as I have tried to avoid - giving you an editorial character sketch. They would speak like that, I think; my job has been to only give you that which you need to know rather than all the inane babble of two young men at their cups. They aren't discussing history for your benefit, if you see what I mean - it isn't exegetical in that sense - rather they're discussing current affairs.

 

As far as this dialogue issue is concerned, I can understand your complaint, but I wanted to avoid giving things like names for free. They have to be spoken before we know them (again, a bit like the film director comment I made before). I can see the value in altering the order in which you as a reader get the detail of who is speaking versus what they say. I suppose the drive is towards being sparing in description; you can imagine for yourself the details without me telling you!

 

I have had a go at editing the subsequent chapters just recently, which I'll post at some point in the near future. I'll also try to convert the master to a .doc which should preserve some of that lost - and therefore confusing - formatting.

 

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

[Ron Blanco]

Hello again De Batz.

 

My apologies, I should have guessed there was a technical reason for the formatting problem. I think your plan to post in .doc format is a good one. I hope you will post more of this story, once you are ready. I also hope, meanwhile, that one or two others will be able to leave their comments on this first chapter.

 

As for the middle section. Even though I found it a little heavy, I would not be surprised if some people lapped it up.

 

I had a couple of other thoughts. Firstly, I wondered if it would be clearer for the reader if you referred to the character's surname when describing who is speaking rather than alternating between, for example, James / Longshawe. But perhaps there is a reason why sometimes you prefer to use James rather than Longshawe? Secondly, I liked both characters, Longshawe and De Winter, and I'm glad you didn't make De Winter an out-and-out baddie. In fact, I thought Longshawe seemed the more unreasonable.

[De Batz]

Firstly, I wondered if it would be clearer for the reader if you referred to the character's surname when describing who is speaking rather than alternating between, for example, James / Longshawe. But perhaps there is a reason why sometimes you prefer to use James rather than Longshawe?

 

It's supposed to be that I'm only using information that the characters have given us - so we only get a name for the first time when one of them uses it, and it's surnames all the way once we learn them. But I may have to abandon that as a trick if it's not clear. It's all part of the thing I was on about earlier, that I'm trying not to let myself tell you the story rather than let you see it as it develops. As I say, though, I'm pragmatic. If it doesn't work, it can change.

 

And I agree about DW and Longshawe: there's no clear baddie/goodie distinction running through the story in my head, just two young men with their own views!

 

Anyway, here's chapter two, in much the same vein. I've had a look over it for major howlers, and barring one or two bits I've earmarked for recasting, is again fairly much as I intend it. I've had a look at the download link and it seems to display correctly in OpenOffice, though that doesn't guarantee much for users of other programs!

[Ron Blanco]

Hello De Batz,

 

I think this story is developing nicely.

 

Chapter two starts well, with a good change of setting: Talbot's ticking-off. There were some nice touches here, such as your use of the portraits, and the distinctive way in which each character enters the scene.

 

There was some good dialogue throughout, although by the end of the chapter I felt there had been too much talking.

 

In order to raise it to the level of the first chapter I think it needs something extra: more tension; some action or the introduction of an interesting new character.

 

In order to create more tension I wonder if we need to feel more anticipation at the thought of L serving under DW. Perhaps this could be done by consolidating the sense of conflict between them. For example, L's apology to DW could be more formal and begrudging. By referring to DW as George there is a softening in their relationship. Similarly, later on, DW seems to express some fondness for L. It is nice to see people getting along, but perhaps this lessens the conflict between them, and, as a result also lessens our interest.

 

There is a lack of women so far, and I wonder if chapter two might have been a good place to introduce a female character, especially given L's womanising credentials (sorry if I've misjudged him).

 

Also, given the title, I have to admit that the religious/heretic aspect of the story is not grabbing me in the same way as the interraction between L and DW. Perhaps a scene, at some point, describing the gruesome treatment of a heretic, might illustrate the danger that Strelley faces. Just a thought.

 

Of course these are just my personal thoughts, but I'd like to reiterate that I am enjoying following the story, and I would like to read more.

[Allo1010]

I agree with what Ron says about the dialogue in the first chapter, and that sometimes I found myself re-reading to be make sure it was the character who I thought was speaking.

 

I think you've set up a nice little plot, though what I want to know about is Strelley. I don't know the plans you have for the character but I'm sure that in that time period they burned heretics? Or at least arrested them?

[De Batz]

Interesting that you should point to there being too much talking. I set myself a challenge of trying to make the dialogue the focal point of the novel. There are a few chapters where essentially nothing happens other than a conversation (which reveals some off-stage event to have taken place), but this is deliberate on my part. Reading it back, the action chapters are less interesting (in one sense) than the conversational chapters, because you learn more about the characters when they're speaking. Though I appreciate your thoughts: I already know what I'm trying to show at each point, but your feedback is very valuable to tell me what I actually am showing.

Also interesting that you should point to the lack of women, a fact of which I'm aware but also, if you will, untroubled. There are some worthy female leads (if that is the right word) later on; I suppose in a way, the women form the backbone of the story of these four young men. They just haven't been introduced yet.

 

You've also identified a theme (religion) which waits in the background for some time before coming out again in a big way later in the piece. Your suggestion is quite right, but comes much later.

 

The threads that run through will take a while to develop, I suppose, and these two chapters represent about a tenth of what I've written so far, which is perhaps a third or a half of this novel. Having said that, I've got a plan which runs to a hundred chapters to tell the story up to what constitutes the end of the first major set of events, and as I write I find that what I planned for a chapter sometimes takes two. But then, it sometimes takes four lines...

 

I'll post chapter three when I've had chance to scan it over. Thanks for reading (again) and thanks for taking the time out to offer your thoughts. I'll have a think about what you've suggested when I'm 'editing'!

[De Batz]

As ever, time intervenes. I haven't reread this in any great detail (it's from perhaps five months ago, to give you an idea) but I have checked it for obvious deviations and errors. Chapter 3, which introduces a figure who will have a great part to play in a much later episode of the story.

 

If you're up for it, there's about fifty thousand words of this stuff. I can send it to you as an email attachment (rather than uploading it to the Writers' Forum) if you'd be interested in reading it...

 

Andy