kevcookie Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 He has obviously "brainwashed" her. This is how these people work. I can understand why you did what you did but try not to do anything that way again. Is your ex in touch with dap? They will help her through it and advise her on the best way to protect herself and your daughter. If she is reluctant to do this I would then push her a little by saying your daughter is your priority and you need to know she is safe. After this your only option would be the courts which I know sounds wrong but you have to protect your daughter and considering he was trying to get to her in the bathroom previously if he comes back she is directly in danger. I hope your daughter and your ex are ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Vader Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 Yeah, as kevcookie says, don't do that again - you'll be no good to your daughter if you end up inside! You need to sit down with your ex and find out exactly how the land lies now with this guy and how this is going to effect your daughter. It sounds to me like your ex has a case to ask for 'supervised' visits at a place of safety, if there is violence involved with this guy. As others have said, your daughter is your priority, but of course, your daughter's mother's wellbeing is important to hers, so it is something you should bear in mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riche Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 If your Daughter is in arms way of this mans outbursts then you can in law take her away and start proceedings immediately. They cannot take her off you as the police will not return her to her mother if you make known your accusations. They have a duty of care and with the current climate will not take any chances buy returning her to her mom. Go to court and the police. Better to be a pest than regret what might happen, your daughters safery is all that matters now. Your Ex should get real and drop the loser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tatman Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 IMO your daughter is the priority. Your ex is old enough to make her own decisions but your daughter isn't. Sorry to sound harsh but if it tips your ex over the edge then that's her problem. You have got to get your daughter out of there. If your ex won't agree then I suggest you contact social services and see if you can get an emergency care order. Or would you prefer to be visiting your badly beaten daughter in hospital? Agree 100% Get the kid out of there and then worry about the ex. If things carry on like this you could be vising both in hospital or a cemetary. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevcookie Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 The problem is if your ex is brainwashed by this man her being old enough to make her own decisions is irrelevant. Yes your daughter is the priority but this needs to be handled in a way that will help both of them afterall your ex is your daughters mum and even if your daughter is safe and away from the situation anything her mother goes through will have a direct result on your daughter. This is why I mentioned DAP. Try contactin them yourself for advice. They are really very good and can suggest or at least liik into the right way to deal with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
medusa Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 The very first thing I'd do in your situation would be to sit your daughter down, explain that it's not OK to do what he has done (and also what she saw you do) and that you're very unhappy with yourself for doing it and for him thinking that it was OK for him to do it too. Then I'd have a big discussion with your ex and explain to her that you don't want to end up taking her to court, but you do not have any control over the situations that she places your daughter in when she's away from you and you are not prepared to allow your daughter to go through seeing that level of violence without challenging it if she's not prepared to change it for good. If she has your daughter's needs as a priority (as most mothers do) then she'll see that whatever her personal feelings for this guy are, her daughter needs her to make other choices, and that will help her to make better decisions. Don't at any stage shout at her, make her feel worthless or back her into a corner because she's probably already feeling worthless enough and backed into a corner. What you need is to help her see that she has the power to change these things and that she has the reasons (i.e. her children) to never again allow them to witness their mother being beaten to a pulp and to never again feel the abject terror that they feel when they are watching her be hurt. She needs to be empowered, assisted and supported to make the changes necessary to move on from this and start to feel that she's worth more than being someone's punching bag, and if you value your daughter then it is in your interests for your ex to get back out of this situation and back on the road to being an effective, loving mum. Collect evidence, turn it over to the police and then do your damnedest to support and protect your daughter and her mum- don't put yourself in the position where they just end up seeing all men as anger and fists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babooshka Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 I reiterate all of these things. Although you clearly care for your ex and don't wish for her to be without her daughter, if this is dealt with by the various agencies, they will see your ex as allowing/colluding in some way for your daughter to be in this violent environment. NOT a good position for mum to be in! Yes, get your daughter out of there. Maybe that act alone will get the message through to your ex. Coincidentally, I have just, today, attended a Domestic Violence Training Day run by one of the agencies here in Sheff. Left me rather shaken, to say the least. But, Medusa is correct. The last thing your ex needs is for you to be domineering with her. This new guy has obviously stripped her of all her strength and confidence, and one the practical safety side is acheived, you can work on the therapeutic side of helping her emotionally, and reuniting her in a safe family relationship with her daughter. Best of luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suffragette1 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Sorry to hear about this situation, it sounds awful for all concerned. Your ex may well be a very strong woman, however, the dynamic between an abusive partner and their abusee and a highly complex one and it often takes many attempts before the victim actually leaves for good and more often than not, things usually reach a real crisis point before that final separation. What you want to try and do is prevent your daughter being in this environment and her needs are paramount. Your daughter is at risk at the very least emotionally and mentally and at worst, physically, so act now. In your position, I would try and get a mediator in to facilitate a serious discussion about this situation between you and your ex. You're understandably extremely worried and concerned, however, it's likely that any conversations you have will get heated as emotions are running high on both sides. As Medusa has said, getting angry with her (shouting) will only further disempower her. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halibut Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 The very first thing I'd do in your situation would be to sit your daughter down, explain that it's not OK to do what he has done (and also what she saw you do) and that you're very unhappy with yourself for doing it and for him thinking that it was OK for him to do it too. Then I'd have a big discussion with your ex and explain to her that you don't want to end up taking her to court, but you do not have any control over the situations that she places your daughter in when she's away from you and you are not prepared to allow your daughter to go through seeing that level of violence without challenging it if she's not prepared to change it for good. If she has your daughter's needs as a priority (as most mothers do) then she'll see that whatever her personal feelings for this guy are, her daughter needs her to make other choices, and that will help her to make better decisions. Don't at any stage shout at her, make her feel worthless or back her into a corner because she's probably already feeling worthless enough and backed into a corner. What you need is to help her see that she has the power to change these things and that she has the reasons (i.e. her children) to never again allow them to witness their mother being beaten to a pulp and to never again feel the abject terror that they feel when they are watching her be hurt. She needs to be empowered, assisted and supported to make the changes necessary to move on from this and start to feel that she's worth more than being someone's punching bag, and if you value your daughter then it is in your interests for your ex to get back out of this situation and back on the road to being an effective, loving mum. Collect evidence, turn it over to the police and then do your damnedest to support and protect your daughter and her mum- don't put yourself in the position where they just end up seeing all men as anger and fists. What an oustandingly good post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevcookie Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 But please also bear in mind that your ex although aware of the hurt caused may not be in the frame of mind to accept that you're trying to get your daughter out of the situation is in your daughters best interest. She may just be seeing it as you fighting against her because you don't like this man being with her. This is the level the brainwashing takes. I've been there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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