My partner can't handle his beer

[Dear Forum...]

Hiya,

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a few years now and at first it was great .. in fact, it still is great, until he decides to have a drink.

 

When we are at home and he just has a couple it is fine, but as soon as we have a night out he is a nightmare. Hes in his mid 20's so its not like hes only just discovered alcohol but he acts like a 17 year old yob.

 

Last time we went out he got that drunk he decided to swear at me in the middle of a fairly upper class bar. Everyone was looking at us but fortunately for me he stormed out in a huff so it only lasted a few seconds (but felt like a lifetime).

 

Hes never ever violent to me, but he does throw stuff around and punch walls etc. He screams in my face in the middle of the street then walks miles home, refusing to get in a taxi with me.

 

Each time he wakes up the next morning feeling sheepish so he knows hes done something bad - although a lot of the time he doesn't remember what.

 

Its weird because he is the perfect other half when he isn't drunk, we go out in the day and do lovely things, have lovely holidays and have nice meals out (with beer) and its all fine. It's just a proper night out he can't deal with.

 

So I have told him today next time I go out with my friends he isn't invited and good god he wasn't happy about that. He says he knows I have more fun without him (sarcastically) and tells me just to do what I want. He thinks by me saying I wanna go out without him it means I wanna cheat on him - not the case. I just don't want to be out with him when he can't behave himself.

 

At first it was once a year, and now its once every few months. I don't know how to change him.

 

Am I being unreasonable wanting to go without him? How do I make him see its because of him, and not because of any motives of my own?

[caparo]

Hiya,

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a few years now and at first it was great .. in fact, it still is great, until he decides to have a drink.

 

When we are at home and he just has a couple it is fine, but as soon as we have a night out he is a nightmare. Hes in his mid 20's so its not like hes only just discovered alcohol but he acts like a 17 year old yob.

 

Last time we went out he got that drunk he decided to swear at me in the middle of a fairly upper class bar. Everyone was looking at us but fortunately for me he stormed out in a huff so it only lasted a few seconds (but felt like a lifetime).

 

Hes never ever violent to me, but he does throw stuff around and punch walls etc. He screams in my face in the middle of the street then walks miles home, refusing to get in a taxi with me.

 

Each time he wakes up the next morning feeling sheepish so he knows hes done something bad - although a lot of the time he doesn't remember what.

 

Its weird because he is the perfect other half when he isn't drunk, we go out in the day and do lovely things, have lovely holidays and have nice meals out (with beer) and its all fine. It's just a proper night out he can't deal with.

 

So I have told him today next time I go out with my friends he isn't invited and good god he wasn't happy about that. He says he knows I have more fun without him (sarcastically) and tells me just to do what I want. He thinks by me saying I wanna go out without him it means I wanna cheat on him - not the case. I just don't want to be out with him when he can't behave himself.

 

At first it was once a year, and now its once every few months. I don't know how to change him.

 

Am I being unreasonable wanting to go without him? How do I make him see its because of him, and not because of any motives of my own?

 

I think it is time for an ultimatum.

[mh01]

unfortunately a lot of people cant or wont admit to having an addiction. iv seen the effects of what alcohol does to people you love & its not nice. look after yourself first & foremost, youve told him your reasons for not wanting to go out with him so its up to him to change his ways.

 

 

 

 

p.s what you doin at the weekend?

[*Wallace*]

He has a drink problem plain and simple i would think it's just a matter of time until he turns violent considering he already screams and swears right in your face,no respect at all there.

[medusa]

The first thing you need to do is to accept that you can't change him- the only person who can change him is him, and the only person's actions for which you are responsible are your own.

 

The next thing that you could really do with accepting is that even if it's infrequent and doesn't involve actually hitting you, his actions constitute abuse. It's the sort of abuse that doesn't leave any visible bruises on the outside, but that doesn't mean that it's not leaving bruises on your emotions.

 

If you talk with him when he's sober and he isn't prepared to take responsibility for his choices with drinking then I'm afraid I'd be telling him that it's simply not acceptable to treat any other human being the way he's treating you and then letting him choose whether to adapt his behaviour as a result of that.

 

I've already been through the process of getting out of an abusive marriage and I lost count of the number of times he reduced me to tears in public, stopped me from doing something by throwing a tantrum to try to guilt me into doing what he wanted me to do, rang the police and accused me of assault because I touched him without his permission.

 

If he loves you but isn't prepared to change his behaviour to avoid abusing you in this way then I think that tells you a lot about how much he prioritises you in his life (i.e. not very much, compared to getting drunk) and how much he actually does love you. Personally I think that it's better to be alone than to be in a relationship which damages my soul and my spirit.

 

I'd consider you to be unreasonable if you were asking him not to see his friends or family, but if your only request is that he doesn't abuse you then no, that's not unreasonable at all.

[funkymiss]

I used to go out with a bloke like this. I remember him refusing to get in a taxi too! I also remember when he shouted at me for waving at someone before going over to say hello to him. Things he would never have done sober! Give him a chance to change if you think there is enough left in the relationship to justify it but prepare yourself that things might not change.

[Odin's Wrath]

Explain to him exactly what he says and how that makes you feel when he has a drink.

 

Either he doesn't come out with you anymore or he gives up the drink.

 

Neither are unreasonable requests for a grown up couple to ask of each other.

[rayggb]

I get couples in the back of my cab where this situation happens,I always think "get rid of him love!" The guy has got issues within himself. My mum waited 20 years before she left him,leaving us the offspring with issues!. We love our mum but,boy was she nieve!

[Jenjenz]

I think he has a problem when he drinks, rather than a drink problem tbh - it sounds from the OP that he doesn't drink very often?

 

I agree - it doesn't sound like he has a drink problem in the sense that he is drinking often, it just sounds like he can't handle it when he does drink. That said, it is still no excuse for his behaviour and you are not in any way being unreasonable by not wanting to go out with him.

 

Have you explicitly told him how he behaves/things he says to you when he is drunk or do you brush it off and try to forget about it? I think you really do need to tell him exactly what he does when drunk and how much it upsets you, and that you like your relationship with him when he's not getting into this state. I agree that filming him when drunk might be a good idea to really show him how he is behaving, although it might be hard to start filming in the middle of an argument!

[banjodeano]

He'll calm down when someone gives him a kicking...