Dear Forum... Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 First of all can I thank you all for your advice. Secondly let me elaborate. My OH has never once been violent towards me, he isn't a violent person. He has never cheated, and he isn't an alcoholic - we only go out maybe once a month, he might have a beer or two around the house at weekends but he doesn't drink during the week. I know that he will never hit me (and yes, I do KNOW) and I know he has never hit a woman before. When he loses his temper its walls that get punched, and his phone that gets smashed - never anything of mine. All it is that makes me cross is the fact he doesn't want me going out without him. It never used to be a problem but all of a sudden it is - it's like he doesn't trust me. We had a rough patch about a year or so ago and it is ever since then he has got more paranoid. He thinks when I want to go out without him it means I want to cheat but its not, it means I just want to go out without having to worry that he is going to kick off at some point as I know its going to happen and I know it will ruin our night. How do I get it across to him thats why I want to go out? He always says he won't drink that much next time but he does. Hes ok on the lager its just when shots/cocktails with mixed spirits in come into play he gets horrible. His friends actually dumped him for well over a year when he was younger because every time they went out he would end up trying to fight either them, or another group of lads and even they got tired of it quickly although that said he hasn't had another scrap with blokes for at least 5 or 6 years now - he finally grew out of that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kthebean Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Well would you consider not binge drinking to save the relationship? Maybe both of you could stop after a few lagers instead of not seeing it as a 'proper night out' unless you're thoroughly twatted. If as you say he is the perfect partner without this. If you leave him you'll just find the next 'perfect' guy who is really really great except whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuteWitness Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Just because he is not violent towards doesn't mean you are not in a abusing relationship. If you went out on your own would he be sarcastic, say things like "have fun", start an argument so you did not go out ? that is someone who is trying to control you. He won't change until he wants to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessica23 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I'd tell anyone who was in a relationship with a partner who didn't want them to do something like go out with their friends to get the hell out of it, regardless of what the partner was like when drunk. Jealousy and possessiveness = bad news. Always and without exception. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert_Baehr Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Originally Posted by Dear Forum... he isn't a violent person.........he isn't an alcoholic ......... When he loses his temper its walls that get punched, and his phone that gets smashed.........Hes ok on the lager its just when shots/cocktails with mixed spirits in come into play he gets horrible.........he got that drunk he decided to swear at me in the middle of a fairly upper class bar..........but he does throw stuff around and punch walls etc. He screams in my face in the middle of the street then walks miles home..........[/Quote] How do you define an alcoholic? He won't be an alcoholic until he decides he is an alcoholic. Most people can drink one or two drinks and then stop. One of the first parts of your brain to be affected by alcohol is the part which sends the message to your bladder which says 'Don't pee!' - When that message stops, you feel an urge to urinate. In some people, the part of the brain which allows an individual to stop drinking may be affected early, or the part of the brain which says 'I like this stuff' may send a stronger message. (I don't know.) Either way, a significant number of people suffer from a 'dysfunction' which inhibits their ability to control their intake. Some alcoholics suffer from an overpowering urge to drink, others don't, but once they start drinking - and once alcohol begins to affect them - they can't stop. Your liver and your brain can't tell the difference between alcohol from beer, alcohol from wine and alcohol from spirits - but if you drink spirits then (perhaps) the alcohol hits more quickly. You may want to attend a few meetings of Al-Anon, a support group for the families of alcoholics. - That might help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyclone Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I wonder if you could have approached it differently when you told him he wasn't invited on a night out. Possibly told him that he was only invited if he agreed to not drink excessively. Which isn't to say that he can't still go out and have his binge drink if he likes, he should just do it with his mates and not with you. If he shouts at them they'll probably give him a clip around the ear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyclone Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 How do you define an alcoholic? He won't be an alcoholic until he decides he is an alcoholic. Most people can drink one or two drinks and then stop. One of the first parts of your brain to be affected by alcohol is the part which sends the message to your bladder which says 'Don't pee!' - When that message stops, you feel an urge to urinate. In some people, the part of the brain which allows an individual to stop drinking may be affected early, or the part of the brain which says 'I like this stuff' may send a stronger message. (I don't know.) Either way, a significant number of people suffer from a 'dysfunction' which inhibits their ability to control their intake. Some alcoholics suffer from an overpowering urge to drink, others don't, but once they start drinking - and once alcohol begins to affect them - they can't stop. Your liver and your brain can't tell the difference between alcohol from beer, alcohol from wine and alcohol from spirits - but if you drink spirits then (perhaps) the alcohol hits more quickly. You may want to attend a few meetings of Al-Anon, a support group for the families of alcoholics. - That might help. It doesn't sound like he has a problem stopping drinking though, he drinks with meals and at other times without being unable to stop. Like many other people he probably makes a conscious choice to go out and drink a lot, his behaviour when he's done that isn't pleasant though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DenadaInnit Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 He has got a drink problem however, I think you are indicating that its okay as long as he stays out of trouble. I believe he knows he's in the last chance saloon with you which is why he's trying to control the area where he's not allowed to go out with you and your friends for a night out. I had a friend years who I used to see every other Friday for a night out. When the day arrived her husband would start 'creating' in the afternoon in the hope that she would cancel. She never did, she cancelled him. I'm nervous of men's tempers through reasons of my own and if I was with someone who was lovely but horrible in drink I'm afraid I wouldn't stay. He wouldn't act this way with anyone else (I think you said his friends dumped him till he sorted himself out) but you are giving him a licence to carry on. I'm afraid you aren't ready to do anything yet because you are trying to justify his actions. If it was love then this person would not scream in your face drunk or sober. Fact. Good luck love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crookesey Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 There was a guy who used to come into my local for early bar. He was as nice as pie when he came in, however four pints later he wanted to take on Mohammed Ali, one night he found him (so to speak), ouch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sccsux Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 My OH has never once been violent towards me There's a crucial word that you missed, and that is yet. I know that he will never hit me (and yes, I do KNOW) No, you don't (and, indeed, can't) know this for certain. I know he has never hit a woman before. Make sure your not the first. When he loses his temper its walls that get punched, and his phone that gets smashed - never anything of mine. Normal people don't smash up the house and objects within when they lose their temper. he finally grew out of that one. Not really. His violent side simply manifests itself in a different form (abusing you). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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