My partner can't handle his beer

[Tess]

In my case, everyone I have spoken to who have witnessed it have said that they know he isn't actually like that, hell, he even knows himself. This is my best friends and my family speaking and I think if they were concerned they might speak up. Just my opinion.

[sccsux]

What, if its in public? its hardly like its his house its smashing up, probably just a wall in a street or something.

 

"When he loses his temper its walls that get punched, and his phone that gets smashed - never anything of mine"

 

Implies that it happens in the home, too.

[sccsux]

everyone I have spoken to who have witnessed it have said that they know he isn't actually like that

 

If people have witnessed it, then he is actually like that. Blaming alcohol is a pretty pathetic excuse to cover an inadequacy.

[Tess]

If people have witnessed it, then he is actually like that. Blaming alcohol is a pretty pathetic excuse to cover an inadequacy.

 

You've quite obviously made your decision about people who can't hold their drinks. But I think each case is different. Would it be different if I screamed back in the bar - would that just make it a row instead of bloody wife battery?

[sccsux]

You've quite obviously made your decision about people who can't hold their drinks.

 

My decision isn't based on an ability to "hold their drinks". If people act in a certain manner when drunk, then you can pretty much believe that is how they are (at their core).

 

I no longer drink (haven't since I was about 21, over 24 years) but when I did, I simply used to fall asleep, never was I violent, towards anyone. Not because I can "handle my beer", simply because I have no violent tendencies.

 

Would it be different if I screamed back in the bar - would that just make it a row instead of bloody wife battery?

 

I have no idea what it would make it, it would still be an abusive relationship, though for both parties, regardless.

 

Remember, abuse and abusive relationships come in all shapes and sizes.

[rickiethecat]

My decision isn't based on an ability to "hold their drinks". If people act in a certain manner when drunk, then you can pretty much believe that is how they are (at their core).

 

I no longer drink (haven't since I was about 21, over 24 years) but when I did, I simply used to fall asleep, never was I violent, towards anyone. Not because I can "handle my beer", simply because I have no violent tendencies.

 

Ah right, you're a recovering alcoholic. That would explain your rather "extreme" views on this topic.

 

But back to the OP's problem, it seems quite a leap of faith that just because her bloke gets aggressive after a few drinks, he's going to turn into a wifebeater.

 

All the OP needs to do is sit down and talk to her partner explaining her concerns. He may change, he may not, but either way, I don't think this is a problem big enough for her to consider ending the relationship.

[Isabelle]

I'm not going to try to tell the OP what to do with her life, this invariably does not work. People in situations like this are often in denial and feel they have to prove that everyone else is wrong.

Make sure you don't alienate your family and friends though, they can be a great help in bad times.

I hope the OP resolves her problem, either way, life is too short to be miserable.

[sccsux]

Ah right, you're a recovering alcoholic.

 

You div. I quite drinking when I was 19 (makes me fall asleep) over 26 years ago..

 

Though I have worked in a support roll with recovering alcoholics.

 

That would explain your rather "extreme" views on this topic.

 

What's up, does the description sound a little like one of yourself? That would explain your attempted veiled insult.

[sccsux]

just because her bloke gets aggressive after a few drinks, he's going to turn into a wifebeater.

 

No one's said that, merely that it is a form of abuse. You seem to think that there is only physical abuse:loopy:.

[Arguendo]

Hiya,

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a few years now and at first it was great .. in fact, it still is great, until he decides to have a drink.

 

When we are at home and he just has a couple it is fine, but as soon as we have a night out he is a nightmare. Hes in his mid 20's so its not like hes only just discovered alcohol but he acts like a 17 year old yob.

 

Last time we went out he got that drunk he decided to swear at me in the middle of a fairly upper class bar. Everyone was looking at us but fortunately for me he stormed out in a huff so it only lasted a few seconds (but felt like a lifetime).

 

Hes never ever violent to me, but he does throw stuff around and punch walls etc. He screams in my face in the middle of the street then walks miles home, refusing to get in a taxi with me.

 

Each time he wakes up the next morning feeling sheepish so he knows hes done something bad - although a lot of the time he doesn't remember what.

 

Its weird because he is the perfect other half when he isn't drunk, we go out in the day and do lovely things, have lovely holidays and have nice meals out (with beer) and its all fine. It's just a proper night out he can't deal with.

 

So I have told him today next time I go out with my friends he isn't invited and good god he wasn't happy about that. He says he knows I have more fun without him (sarcastically) and tells me just to do what I want. He thinks by me saying I wanna go out without him it means I wanna cheat on him - not the case. I just don't want to be out with him when he can't behave himself.

 

At first it was once a year, and now its once every few months. I don't know how to change him.

 

Am I being unreasonable wanting to go without him? How do I make him see its because of him, and not because of any motives of my own?

 

 

 

You know it’s difficult giving specific advice; as each relationship is different, like you say you can see qualities in him that you love; you say your both mid twenties & life’s wonderful when drinks not involved. I think what you have to consider is this, firstly he has no right to give you verbal abuse whether he’s had a drink or not, whilst punching walls & smashing items up is very intimidating if not incredibly frightening for you. If he’s behaving like this now whilst life’s good, what’s he going to be like in years to come when the pressures & responsibilities of life kick in, at the moment you’re not married, & you don’t say you have children, so there’s nothing keeping you together apart from the love you have for the good aspects of your relationship?

 

I can practically guarantee what will come next, as I have several sisters, two of whom went through something similar; you’ll get to a stage where he’ll go too far, he’ll blame his insecurity no doubt profess is love for you & offer marriage, you’ll get married, which will give him his belief that you’ll never leave, then when a problem arises something he can’t cope with, your face will become the wall, you’ll not be allowed friends as these friends won’t like him, he’ll poison your mind, he’ll make you paranoid until you become a loner who’s totally reliant on him for company &support, whilst you’ll become a punch bag for all his frustrations, & slave to all his needs. Yes some people can change, but very very rare, my advice is, get rid of him now before it’s too late. Good luck.

 

Before I get slated this is one opinion from my experience, there's many others who have had different experiences who will offer different advice, no ones wrong.