Jahanshahad Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Hey All, I've posted a couple thing on here before - mostly Latin translations and the like. This here's a short story (crime). It's about someone creating a bit of space to do some killing. All comments much appreciated. Thanks. James http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1313236294.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
De Batz Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I enjoyed reading this, and as I read I got quite into the rhythm of the narrator's voice. I did find it hard at first - I was distracted by my own internal imposition of a cod Noo Yoik accent onto it - but as I say, this fell away as I kept reading. There's a real sense of it being spoken, which again was a source of distraction at first but felt right by the end. This isn't so much your writing style as my reading style, which (as I fall into my stride) becomes less and less 'audio'... So the question that arises is a two parter: 1. I was on to the trickery at some point before the reveal. I couldn't say exactly when, but it came as no surprise when it did come. Did you mean me to anticipate it? 2. Because of the nature of the writing, it felt like it fit as part of a bigger piece. In particular, I would say that it felt like (bear with me on this) a piece of voice-over narration from the second or third act of a TV programme or film, that warrants (demands?) a more complete set-up and a more concrete finish. This comes out of the fact that the key point in the story is this bit of evidence that doesn't fit with the rest of the story, which could be part of a much more expansive piece. Hence the second part of the question: does the back story 'exist'? Could you tell it? Anyway, good stuff and let's see more! Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jahanshahad Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 Hi Andy, Thanks very much for your comments, I really appreciate it that you took the time to give it a read. Yeah, the Noo Yoik accent. I was a bit worried it would be too much like that. I want it to sound like it's a person's dialect but I didn't really want it to sound like an American dialect. Perhaps the 'Stoopid' in the title needs to be 'Stupid'??? In answer to your questions: 1. I didn't really means for there to be a strong reveal, if you know what I mean? What I wanted was a sense of strangeness. You have the narrator on the one hand saying it couldn't be him and on the other hand saying it could - but kind of working its way into this is a sense that the narrator somehow has a large, undefined role in it all as well. 2. Yes, absolutely, the idea is that it feels like a snap-shot from a bigger story - but one that (at least in this short story) will remain unwritten. Anyway, I am redrafting at the moment and will be sure to take on board what you said. I'll probably put the re-draft on here as well should anyone be interested to read it. Regards, James Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allo1010 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I agree with what De Batz said, I found it very hard to get into at the start as well. Though by the middle I did start to get the "rhythm" of it. It's quite nice, I like it how you can tell what's happening behind the main story and that the narrator is very cynical and angry. And how their relationship might be breaking down. Very nice touch. Andrej Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jahanshahad Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hi Andrej, Thanks for your comments. I think I will have to look at the opening again then because of course what I would like is for it to be pretty damn easy to get into! I see you have posted a story as well. I will try and get round to having a look this weekend. Regards, James Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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