Alcoblog Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Work began in earnest in early March, here at 'Area 51 and a half', in the search for the missing 'alco particle' (AKA ... 'alco boson') Having scrubbed out the trusty Small Hadron Collider (SHC) and given it a fresh coat of paint, I rehoused it into my potting shed at the bottom of the garden as can be seen here (you can actually see me at the bottom of the picture if you've got beady eyes!) As everybody knows, the 'alco particle' is the esoteric sub-atomic matter responsible for the property of mass and has been a fascination of mine for many years. I've always eschewed theories by the likes of Higgs and even Hawking and those silly people at CERN ... it's obvious they're barking up the wrong tree with their silly antics! I much prefer my own (much more plausible) ideas. I've always thought that the 'alco particle' must indeed be a very sticky one to hold stuff like protons and electrons together and have written many papers on the subject. As it transpired, it was purely by good fortune and happenstance that on a cold February lunchtime earlier this year, whilst eating a hastily constructed sandwich (I'm always very busy and have little time to eat properly), my new theory struck me, or should I say ... stuck to me!? It was one of those 'Eureka' moments! Marmite! ... it was obvious! It was stuck all over my fingers and face ... virtually impossible to wipe off with conventional face flannels, surely the stickiest thing known to man or beast! Of course, this moment will go down in the annals of history as one of the greatest discoveries of all time, although I eschew fame and fortune in favour of the advancement of science. Work began in earnest as explained above. Once the paint was dry on the SHC (B&Q vinyl matt emulsion 'avocado' ...£2.99 per litre), I started to power up the device. It takes a lot of work to wind up one of these babies as the springs are massive! The idea was to fire blobs of Marmite at each other, under carefully controlled scientific conditions, at velocities up to (and including) the speed of a hurtling train! At these velocities, space and time stand still for nanoseconds as the resulting collision produces 'anti-Marmite' and hopefully the all elusive 'alco particle'! Early tests proved inconclusive as telemetry readings showed the Marmite was sticking to the sides of the machine before impacting. However, after a couple of months of careful re-calibrations, I've finally managed to retune the Teflon coated spoons to throw the Marmite in a straight line down the accelerometer tube. Today was supposed to be the Big Day ... the day of the first 'all systems go' experiment! I've been up since the early hours putting the finishing touches to the machine. It was fully wound up and had a good polish with Mr Sheen and beeswax. It was midday and the time was right! Trembling with anticipation on what was supposed to be such a momentous day for the advancement of science, I walked proudly and with head held high into the kitchen facility to retrieve the Marmite jar from its secure cupboard storage area. With shaking Marigold gloved hands, I gently opened the cupboard door and ... it wasn't there!!! It was definitely there yesterday as I had some of it on toast for tea and I distinctly remember putting it back on the shelf! I've searched high and low for it ... even checking behind the back of the fridge and in the cutlery drawer! I can only come to one conclusion ... someone's nicked it! What kind of low life scumball would do such a thing? They've had it away with what could potentially turn out to be the very basic building blocks of the universe as we know it! My plea here, dear reader, is to ask you if you've seen this miscreant in the space of the last few hours? Also, any advice on what I can do would be very helpful ... I can't just go to the Co-op and buy another jar as I'm still wearing my protective rubber wetsuit and space helmet ... people would laugh at me. Normally I can laugh in the face of such derision, but not today ... I'm too upset! ... HELP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritPat Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 You got up too late old chap. Someone fired up the experiment nice and early your marmite and the resulting anti-marmite annihilated each other. The good news is that a preliminary scan of the area shows evidence of radiation that tends to suggest that the alco-particles were indeed produced. Your Nobel Prize for Physics is in the post. Quod Erat Demonstrandum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VideoPro Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 It was me. I did it. Plutonium, my French wasp enjoyed his bath in diluted Marmite very much by the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMozzy Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Normally I can laugh in the face of such derision, but not today ... I'm too upset! ... HELP! Aw bless! I'll keep my eyes peeled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootsBooster Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Revenge, you either love it or you hate it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Revenge, you either love it or you hate it! :hihi: How the hell did you do that!? Is that with one of those Apple type computers? :hihi: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootsBooster Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 :hihi: How the hell did you do that!? Is that with one of those Apple type computers? :hihi: Well, I was just in the right place at the right time to take the right photo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMozzy Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Revenge, you either love it or you hate it! Respect! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I can never understand Alcos posts. What is he on ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritPat Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I can never understand Alcos posts. What is he on ? A rather obvious Pythonesque allusion to the link between his purloined marmite and Higgs Boson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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